An Open Letter to Elmer McFittzins

[Emu]

Let me try!

Dear Mr. Beauman,

The Kellogg Genetics Research Institute has no intentions to pursue the form of procedure you have inquired about. We believe it to be outside the bounds of our capabilities at this time. We have declined to accept your donation of US$2,000 on this basis; we simply cannot put it to use in the manner you specified and cannot accept the money in good conscience. We apologize for the inconvenience.

James Kellogg II, President of The Kellogg Genetics Research Institute.

Dear Mr. Beauman,

I assure you, the procedure you have requested is simply beyond our measure, and likely beyond the abilities of science as we know it. We cannot perform it. We apologize again.

James Kellogg II, President of The Kellogg Genetics Research Institute.

Dear Mr. Beauman,

We have reason to suspect the diagrams you provided outlining your procedure are based on something out of a science fiction movie and not founded in any sort of contemporary research, or perhaps even reality.

Allow me to put it bluntly:

We cannot genetically engineer you a fox tail.

In light of your persistence, we have sent word to the James Gardner Genetics Laboratory in San Juan, and they will not be receiving any mail from you, so do not attempt to contact them.

http://www.mariettapost.com/oct07/obit/009897_17102007.html

OBITIUARIES, October 17, 2007 - Ashton Beauman, a 24-year-old employee of the Marietta Wal-Mart, was found dead in his Garden Street apartment late Monday evening. Mr. Beauman appeared to have hung himself using his bedsheets to create a crude noose. His suicide note gave no clues to his reason for committing suicide, and named an heir, known only as NeonGreenHedgehog1994.