Dec 18th, 2007, 12:08 AM
I once worked at a 'respectable' metropolitan library as the computer guy. By 'computer guy,' I was the guy who sat in this lab and helped out people if they had issues or wanted to print something out. Sadly the people who ran this library were retarded to the point of madness, so I could easily pull 24 hours a week simply sitting on my ass and getting paid fairly good money.
But the most interesting thing about this job was that, despite the fancy branches the library would have and the aura of respectability that the whole joint tried to have, most of the people who went there were dirt poor and possibly mentally deranged. Most of them were definitely brain damaged and would expect me to teach them how to use 'the computer.' If you have ever been asked this by anybody, you can expect the situation to turn to shit since most people think 'the computer' is a singular item that you can type in and, much like Star Trek, get a solid answer back. On top of this, most people who went there were poor and horny which meant that occasionally you would have a conversation with an uptight soccer mom whose little shitling would go to grab their homework and come back with somebody's bad imaged black and white--we couldn't afford color--print of Craigslist porn. And it was always gay men. Always.
On top of that, I usually had to stop really stupid people from donating their weekly paycheck to the evangelist of the week. Since I really couldn't stop them, I had to help these people--who always smelled of piss and such--from wasting their money. I had a heart to some extent, and these people were just the worst. They probably should have spent their money on themselves.
But the best story I ever had from that joint was this white trash family who, like everybody else in the world, thought that you could go into the library and gain knowledge through osmosis. If you were in a lie-berry, you were doing some learnin' even if you were just sitting your fat ass in front of a computer for hours on end. Literally, hours on fucking end. This family was made up of a fatass mom who looked thirty-five, a daughter who dressed exactly like a Maury tramp who was aged fourteen, and the younger son who was easily ten. Since I was in the lab most of the time I would see the mom the most and the kids would vanish. One day I found out where they vanished to.
In the branch I ran, there was a bathroom in which the door could lock. This was the handicapped stall so people who were disabled could use it with some privacy that the other bathrooms did not afford. What was revealed is that this white trash family's daughter was fucking a group of ghetto kids from public housing a few blocks away and she was using that bathroom for her business. She was finally caught when the current branch director caught them heading into the bathroom one after another and walked into possibly the grossest orgy ever.
The best part was that one of the ghetto kids just happened to have his grandmother reading in the library as he was paying the white trash girl $5 to get it on. That's right. He was getting laid in a bathroom of a library while his grandmother was reading a book and maintaining the other 'cousins's' she was raising from Detroit. And this loser had the honor of being escorted from the library while his grandmother turned this into the best scene ever. The lines 'waz u in that girls cootchie, wuz u, wuz u??' echoing throughout the building is when I lost my shit and I had to take a break.
But the coup de grace came not two hours later at close when I saw the white trash family head out of the library. The girl was flushed but defiant in her embarrassment (which was foreshadowing for her later life, I would imagine) and her brother was giving her hell. They were playing the dozens for nobody's amusement but their own and when they were walking out, this exchange scarred me for life:
SISTER: You're a retarded butthead.
BROTHER: Whatever, crotchcheese.
SISTER: At least I don't have a half-circumsized dick!
BROTHER: At least I don't have crabs!
SISTER: I DON'T HAVE CRABS ANYMORE!!
The mother looked at me, shugged, said 'Kids!' and walked out the door as proud as ignorance can make one. And I stared over at the desk she was sitting at, left a note for janitorial, and left without saying another fucking word.
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