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Dimnos · #1

Three times today someone has tried telling me a joke only to present the same old lame jokes you have herd a million times. I need to hear a new one. Anyone have anything good?

Shyandquietguy · #2

When I clicked on this thread I forgot I had you on my ignore list.

Dimnos · #3

fat load of good that list did you.

Shyandquietguy · #4

Everyone who has Dimnos on their ignore list should visit this thread! 8)

Fathom Zero · #5

Knock Knock

Tadao · #6

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shyandquietguy

Everyone who has Dimnos on their ignore list should visit this thread! 8)

Why, what did he say?

Jeanette X · #7

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dimnos

Three times today someone has tried telling me a joke only to present the same old lame jokes you have herd a million times. I need to hear a new one. Anyone have anything good?

A man walks into a bar. Above the bar is a magnificent silver shield, beautifully etched. He orders a drink, and sits there, admiring it.

"What is that shield from?" he asks the bartender.

"That shield is for the man who can complete two great challanges. So far, no one has ever won it."

"What are these challanges?"

"Well, first, you need to go out in the yard, where we keep a vicious Rottweiler. This dog is mean. He's got a rotten tooth, and your first task is to pull the tooth from his mouth."

"The next great challange is to go upstairs, and fuck the dirtiest, fattest, most diseased whore on the face of this Earth."

"If you can complete these two challanges, the shield is yours."

The man sits there quietly, contemplating this beauty of this shield. He orders drink after drink, staring up at it. Finally, after getting blind staggering drunk, he rises to his feet.

"I'LL DO IT!" he shouts, swaying drunkenly. "I'LL WIN THAT SHIELD AND BE RICH!"

"RIGHT ON!" the bartender claps the man on the back, and steers him to the back door, where the dog stands waiting. He closes the door, and these are the sounds he hears:

"Grrr....GRRRR! RRRROWR! *snarl* RAWF! RAWF! RAWF! RWAF! RWAF R-YIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP!" *whimper* *whinewhinewhine*

The man kicks the door open, his body covered in bites and claw marks, and he says:

"Okay, that's done! Now where's the fat whore with the bad tooth?!"

Your feedback on my version of The Aristocrats would also be greatly appreciated:
http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showt...php?t=69699956

bigtimecow · #8

that was good jeanette!

omgsmg: i have a joke; bigtimecow sits in front of the computer screen and tries to think of a joke

fuck this thread

Esuohlim · #9

A bunch of California cities walk into a bar, and the Anaheim Ducks

idk shut up

Badabing · #10

here's an insult generator
http://www.insultme.net/

Esuohlim · #11

Thank you for this do you know anymore websites on the internet

Fathom Zero · #12

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boggle

Guitar Woman · #13

pirate walks into bar, steering wheel in pants, "is that thing bothering you," "aar, drivin' me nuts," haha, raucous laughter

MetalMilitia · #14

If Jesus was a fish what job would he have?

CARPenter.

McClain · #15

What's the difference between a Jaguar and a pile of dead hookers?

I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.

Dimnos · #16

That insult generator site is pretty cool. I liked Zombie Sniffing Beaver Grabber. lol good stuff.

Jeanette X · #17

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigtimecow

that was good jeanette!

Thank you. I've got another.

A man enters a prospecting town in the Old West. He walks into the nearest saloon.

"I'm new here in town. Where are all the women?"

The bartender chuckles. "Ain't no women here yet son."

The man is deeply dissapointed. "But...but what do you do to get off?"

The bartender points out the window at a large barrel.

"You see that barrel? You stick it in there, and its not bad."

The man goes outside and gives it a try. Sure enough, it isn't bad at all.

He comes back in. "That was pretty nice. How often can I do that."

"Every day...except Wednesday."

"Why not Wednesday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

bigtimecow · #18

hahahah! that one was good too. when i first started reading it i thought it was this joke (jackie martling):

a guy pulls up to an almost barren old town. he sees a general store and out front is an old man sitting in a rocking chair. he's missing a few teeth and looks dirty as all hell. the guy walks up to the old man and says,

"this is a pretty strange looking town; what do you guys do around here?"

the old man replies, "we don't do nothin' but hunt and fuck."

"what do you hunt?"

"somethin' to fuck!"

Jeanette X · #19

I've got another one running along the same line:

A man enters a prospecting town in the Old West. He walks into the nearest saloon.

"I'm new here in town. Where are all the women?"

The bartender chuckles. "Ain't no women here yet son."

The man is deeply dissapointed. "But...but what do you do to get off?"

The bartender says, "We use the animals."

The man is repulsed. "Ugh! Thanks but no thanks."

As he leaves the bar, he sees a sow snuffling in the sewer. He's quite drunk, and maybe its his imagination, but for a moment it looks like the sow winked at him. He brushes this off and goes home.

The next day he's at the bar, and he's drinking even more heavily. As he leaves the bar, the same sow is in the sewer. This time, he thinks the sow bats her eyelashes and wiggles her ass at him. He's taken aback, but ignores it and goes home.

The third day, he's at the bar, and he's getting blind drunk, drunk enough to forget his own name. As he staggers out the bar, he sees the sow. The sow is now doing a sexy dance for him, and he simply can't take it anymore.

He leaps upon the pig, and frantically undoes his belt. As he does so, a shot rings out, and he falls over, dead.

From across the road, a man with a gun swaggers up to him, and looks down at the body, and says:

"Nobody jumps the sheriff's gal."

Dimnos · #20

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

bigtimecow · #21

another one from jackie martling:

a husband and wife wake up in their bed for a normal day, but before they get out of bed the wife says, "i had a dream last night. they were auctioning off penises. big ones were $100 and little ones were $10."

the husband says, "what about something like mine?"

"they were givin' 'em away."

the husband says, "well i had a dream last night too. they were auctioning off vaginas. little ones were $100 and big ones were $10."

the wife says, "what about something like mine?"

"that's where they held the auction."

ahhhh marriage