Pretty sure I have THE worse relationship in the entire history of mankind

[LordSappington]

Alright, I'm gonna assume that this is legit, and you're really in this shitty of a relationship.
My advice: MAN UP, SUZIE. Get your ass out of there. You don't need to be gentle about it. Just get someone, family, friends, hired muscle, to help you move your shit out, whether the dickweed is there or not. Then move in somewhere else, preferably alone so you can get your damn emotions back in line, and go find some better friends.
And if you instead choose to stay there and take all the abuse, then it's your damn fault at that point, because you really have no excuse to even still BE in this relationship.