Your mushroom pic gives you
POWERS.
But anyways, I've figured out why I get depressed. I ruminate (yes, that is the technical term for brooding). Because I am so pessimistic all the time, I will analyze a situation over and over and over and over and over until all I've done is focus on the negative aspects and until I've blown them way out of proportion and forgotten what actually happened. Then, I have to spend a few more days reminding myself that my new interpretation is completely distorted and then a few more days trying to remember what originally occurred.
I can seriously spend days wondering if there was any significant meaning behind a shrug. A fucking shrug.
See, the brief summary of my Loveline thread is that I was recently in a relationship where I thought things were going great. I really, really, really care(d) a lot about this girl, and then all of a sudden one day, "you know, I was thinking a month ago that this might not be working, but I've put off telling you about my concerns. Oh, what's that? You want to talk about it? Well, sorry. I had a really bad relationship in the past, so I push people away. That's what I do. Maybe I'll change one day. No, I don't want to go out with you. I don't want to hurt you. You don't have to prove how great you are to me blah blah blah blah blah. Okay, maybe we'll talk about it a bit.... okay, talking is done. I agree with many of your points, but I've already made up my mind, so I will stop talking to you now and start thinking that you are out for revenge against me. If anyone asks, that's what I'm going to tell them: that sensitive pussy man AChimp is out for blood and I have to lay low."
(Actual conversation was much longer and involved me talking, getting angry, apologizing, getting depressed, then angry again, and more talking. Above conversation dramatized due to my pessimism and probably a fair amount of bitterness, too)
So now, you see, knowing all about her past really bad relationship, and the fact that she agreed with me on a lot of the points I raised in our discussions and the fact that I spend the last two months tearing my hair out and trying to apologize to her for how I acted has resulted in her avoiding me even more.
I spent the last two months trying to apologize for getting pissed off (I said a few pretty mean things and that still really bothers me) only to end up standing there like an idiot because I completely forgot what I was going to say. Her response, "okay." That was it. "Okay." So, what did I do? I wrote it all in a letter. I originally intended for the letter to only be a couple pages, but I wrote ELEVEN FUCKING PAGES and then gave it to her! No response, of course, not even the "tell me to fuck off to put my mind at ease" response that I asked for as a last resort.
I've spent all my time wondering about all the things I could have done differently, all the things I should be doing, and trying to figure out exactly what it is that's going through her head.
So there. I think I need to stop thinking.
Hybrid Mode
