Features

James · #1

With the return of Gothy-poo to the boards, I decided it best to celebrate by posting some of his secrets, tips, and homemade remedies to keeping yourself looking as stylish and lovely as him! In no time, you too could make a living as a model for Hot Topic, Abercrombie & Fitch, or even horny old men who live in run-down schoolbuses.

1. How do you keep your face looking so soft and smooth, and pimple-free.

Gothy: Oh, my fortune comes as a glorious side effect to my endless torment. You see, I spend about 3-8 hours a day crying about how this world has forsaken me. The endless waterfalls of sorrow provide adequate moisture to my skin, while the saltiness of the tears act as a drying agent to handle oiliness. This ends up as a cleanser of sorts, washing away the trials that each day places upon my head, like a mask of empty voids and dragon's fire.

2. How can I get luscious blonde hair just like yours?

Gothy: Why, God? Why must you forever burden me with pain? Huh? Oh yes, my hair. You see, the trick is to keep it far away from sunlight. I used to have a curly 'fro of black hair; Black like my heart and soul, as they have been shunned by this world. But by depriving it of any nutrients given off by daylight, it began to fade to the shimmering gold you see before you.

To straighten it out, I constantly run my fingers through my hair - Something I do when I am overcome with grief and endless unhappiness. My hair, being already so brittle and thin, is very manageable.

3. How do to maintain such a wonderful physique?

Gothy: Well, having to support my ex-girlfriend and our child, Dracus Moonstone, I don't have a lot of money left over for food. So, I stick to a diet of raven's eggs and baby food. As for exercise, I always manage to burn a few calories in the mosh pits of Insane Clown Posse concerts that happen to come our way. We live in a Juggalo nation!

4. Any shaving or makeup tips to accentuate facial features?

Gothy: Shaving? Oh merciful angel of tears, no. My body doesn't produce enough testosterone to create any form of pubic hair. As for makeup, I find painting my face for ICP concerts really shows off my cheekbones. Oh, if only I could paint my eyes to resemble those of someone without never-ending pain and sorrow...

There you go, folks. With just these few simple tips, you can be on your way to being just as stunning as Gothy-poo! Better look for an agent before the modeling jobs start rolling in! *wink wink*

noob3 · #2

sun makes your hair turn blonde, and chlorine. i don't think you know what you were writing about when you decided to write this humour piece

Protoclown · #3

I laughed at parts of it

James · #4

Quote:

Originally Posted by Noob3

sun makes your hair turn blonde, and chlorine. i don't think you know what you were writing about when you decided to write this humour piece

His hair is not unlike a goldfish, which is what I was going for.

Spectre X · #5

Chlorine turns your hair green.

Someone Iknow knows someone who knows someone slese, or something...and they went swimming in a New York pool, and their hair turnd green...or something...or they just scalded their skin off or something, I don't care. You shouldn't either.

I'm sure that you never did either.

soundtest · #6

When I lived in Toronto there was this outdoor public pool by my flat. I used to picture bearded and carefree hobos bathing there at night. There was also a gay bathhouse on my block that got shut down by the Health Unit for unsanitary cooking conditions. I don't know about the general population, but if I were to frequent a place where I put my dick in a random hole in a wall which lead to a random ass behind that wall, I wouldn't be grabbing a sandwhich from that establishment afterward...