Thanks a lot, Church. You Fucked Me Forever.

[McClain]

I've never gone in to much detail analyzing my spiritual beliefs. I've either found it interesting or not interesting. At the moment I don't find Christianity very interesting. It's somewhere below video games and above making salsa on my List of Interests. However, it once played an integral part in my life. I'm sure a lot of you who were raised in the church will be able to relate to some of these thoughts I've had.

Remember those dorks in youth group who didn't act or sing, but they did sign language to hokey Christian songs? It seemed like every performance was to The Champion by Carmen. Yeah yeah. Jesus comes back in an ass-whooping crescendo and you guys translate in to sign language. They'd wear black turtlenecks and white gloves. Remember how painful it was to watch? Who are they signing for? Jesus? Does anyone really know that the motions they're making are correct? Can we bring in a deaf guy to authenticate?

In retrospect that's how I view my church experience. I was a spiritual sign language-er. Merely miming what someone else told me to mime. I could have been doing hand jives or making the motions of feeding crackers to ducks; it didn't matter. None of it made sense to me, I just did it. And it made Mom & Dad really proud. And the church members always praised us and told us how talented we were. I loved it because I knew that outside of church I was marginal at best. But in church - HOLY SHIT! I'M A JUNIOR SUPERSTAR! I'm in church choir! I do the annual church musicals! I feign interest in religious matters! I can find 1st Corinthians before you can! I sing "This little light of mine! I'm gonna' let it shine," at church camp but I'm thinking up ways to hold hands with Molly McButter over there during prayer. THIS IS THE LIFE! I can't remember that elder guy’s name to save my life, but he knows me! Come on Sundays and Wednesday afternoons, you never get here fast enough!

I've often considered where I'd be spiritually had I been raised agnostic. I’m a 25-year-old non-believer and the mantra of “Christ = Salvation” is still a part of my subconscious. I can’t just erase 14 years of spoon-fed theology. And I’m scared. Because "what if"? What if I’m going to burn in hell for eternity? That’s not fair. I'd rather be ignorant.

Can't I just be dead when I die? You know, like... die and be buried without all the transcending. Why does there have to be more? I don't want to live forever. The thought of eternity, even in heaven, scares the shit out of me. The bible tells us that we'll spend 24/7 in heaven praising our lord and it will be blissful.

Me: "But what if I want to eat Dilly bars and play basketball in heaven?"
Elder: "You won't want to do those things in heaven son. You'll want to praise our Lord God."
Me: "But I want heaven to be like a roller rink, with a Double Dragon arcade and a 100-foot licorice rope around my neck. And when the D.J. calls for the reverse skate and everyone changes directions, I'll be able to turn to my right really good instead of shuffling my feet so that I don't slam in to the wall!"
Elder: "Haha! You silly billy! Trust me - you'd rather praise God for eternity. You'll sing his praises with the angels! You'll wash God's feet and feed God grapes. Forever. And ever. It never ends. Your simple little mind can't even conceive the happiness you'll feel while kneeling at the altar of our Father in Heaven. No more ailments! No more cancer! JUST YOU AND A BAJILLIION OTHER SOULS SINGING HALLELU HOSANNA HALLELUJAH TO THE TRINITY OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR EVER!"
Me: "Heaven sounds shitty."

No matter how hard I try I can’t shake this interminable feeling that there are only two choices after death and there’s only one way to go up. Practical judgment drives me away but guilt and fear bring me back. I don't currently practice any faith per se, but I cling on to a sliver of a sliver that what I was taught in church just might be right. And I do this for the sake of my soul.

The truth is I'm so far removed from Christianity I sometimes feel like I'm crawling up Satan's ass. But I've got one foot hanging out, just in case. You know... I'm keeping my options open. Can't let that anus slam shut! Never close a door!

I have a "Christian" imprint on my soul and even if I wanted it to it will never go away. I could end up being a Shaolin Monk in a state of nirvana and still have that deep-rooted feeling of guilt by association. "Oh shit! Jesus is watching! I just imagined a naked boobie! Dear God please forgive me for my evil impulses!"
I don’t know whether to thank Mom and Dad for raising me in an institution with values or to curse them for using permanent spiritual marker on my clean slate.

So now I not only have the burden of figuring this out for myself, but I need to know what to pass on to my daughter. I take my siblings as an example. We're three reasonably successful stories. We're not destitute. We're not homo's. We're not felons. But still, none of us ended up the way mom & dad preferred. If they had it their way, we'd do prayer circles and family conference calls that would end in "amen" and "yes father, my spiritual life is thriving. Thanks for asking!" But they didn't get any of that. Isn't it their fault? They're the ones who introduced us to Jehovah! One by one we stared falling from grace.

I don't mean to criticize my parents because now that I am one, not a day goes by when I don't realize the sacrifices they've made. And they really did a great job. I mean, I'm a great person. And I'm good looking, too.

These are hard choices.

I try not to let fear impair my judgement, but when it's so deep rooted, regardless of whether I believe it or not, it's still there. Whispering to me. Passing judgement. "Jesus wouldn't have urinated on that cat! Jesus wouldn't have called that elderly lady a whore!"

Christianity is based on FEAR! "Do not do these things OR YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!" I stopped being scared of things I can't see a long time ago. Those monsters under my bed? Yeah, they're gone now. What about Jesus? I can't see him, but he kinda' scares me.

I've come to a conclusion with my beliefs and they certainly don't go hand in hand with Christianity. And now every time I watch an R-rated movie or say the words shit or ass, I have this programmed mental response of GUILT and WWJD?

Well damnit, I'm tired of this. There's no more room for these convictions. They take up valuable brain space which could be used for other things like harboring ill-feelings toward vegans and more discontent toward ravers.

THANKS J.C.! THANKS CHURCH! THANKS A LOT GOD!