HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU PUNY LITTLE BASTARD. I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE A MAN OUT OF YA, OBVIOUSLY, BUT COME BY ANY TIME AND I'LL WHIP YOUR SUPPLE LITTLE GIRL BODY INTO A SHAPE
So some weird ass guy that would occasionally hang out with my girlfriend and I decided to start texting my girlfriend when he got drunk and try to make "the moves" on her via the phenomenon of texting. I'm not the slightest jealous of him, seeing as he looks exactly like that fetus looking fuck on "The Shield" (Michael Chiklis). Also worth noting is that he's a pathetic alcoholic who's shtick is when achieving maximum "drunkness", is portraying the persona of a wretched fat fuck with a distinctive billowing voice which, ironically, is exactly what he is.
So after taking into consideration of all the amazing contributions he can offer to his and I's wonderful friendship, I decided to write Mr. Fetus a very welcoming, homey letter personally addressed to him. I-MOCKERY EXCLUSIVE!
Dear James,
Leave my fucking girlfriend alone. I'm tired of you bothering her in which she tells me all the wonderful and pleasant shit you say to her which is actually really fucking pathetic. Just imagining you playing with your half assed whiskey dick while texting her is reassurance of how pathetically miserable you truly are. Jesus fucking christ I'll read about you in the newspaper one day about how you drunkingly sexually assualted a kid at a broken down theme park.
p.s. I'll cum on your face
__________________
"That's how much fuck fish." -John Laroche
I wouldn't have written the letter. I would have just went to his house, pulled down my pants, and took a shit on his carpet. If he doesn't have carpet get the couch.