It was a grownup spelling bee, and I figured it was at least worth the $40 walmart gift card. I usually own that shit, which makes it even worse that I was knocked out for such an easy word. But that's the way those things go.
I was in a spelling bee. I made it to the final four, and I was thinking "hey, okay" because the last three people at least got medals. I got "dynamite", which is a stupid-easy word that should have been no problem. But as I was getting ready to spell it, two things happened: a fight broke out behind me in line because some old woman who hadn't signed up just tried to jump in in the middle of the contest, and the guy pronouncing the words kept saying "Dy-no-MITE! Dy-no-MITE!" in his best blackperson accent to entertain the crowd. So I got fucking "dy-no-MITE" stuck in my head and that's how it came out my mouth.
So, ultimately, I looked like a dumbass who didn't know how to spell dynamite.
One of the first words they gave me was Tribology and I was like what the hell is this shit? And then the next guy got, I don't know, "pencil" or something. It was all over the place.
That reminds me of when I was in elementary school and we used to have some sort of shitty awards thing for the kids at the end of every school year, and since this is a shitty Southern town, most of the kids would even learn how to read once they got to highschool, I would always get the award for most books read. I was going through my attic last night and found all of my little dollar store trophies. I burned them for some reason.
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"You've gotta' look to the future. The future is anarchy. I'm talking about lawlessness, I'm talking about the Lebanons of the future. I'm talking about the breakdown of the whole system. The military defending people against people. You won't get your appropriations waving that flag, there's no glory in that kind of warfare!"
I don't know, I like that stuff. Happiness is just an amalgam of positive little shit like that, and it's so fleeting that when it happens you just have to be on it like a ton of bricks.
I'm not sure. I don't think I'll try to kill myself again, because even though I'm extremely depressed and have started feeling like I'm not even living my life, but watching it on a television screen, I'm afraid to do it again, because I'm terrified that I'll be found and sent off to another shitty "hospital" where I'll have to lie through my teeth that I'm better and end up in even more debt.
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"You've gotta' look to the future. The future is anarchy. I'm talking about lawlessness, I'm talking about the Lebanons of the future. I'm talking about the breakdown of the whole system. The military defending people against people. You won't get your appropriations waving that flag, there's no glory in that kind of warfare!"
I had a friend who got so used to the in-and-out-of-the-nuthouse routine that he fully expected to wake up there after every suicide attempt. It got to be a joke for him...suicide gesture, go in, come out, laugh about it, next suicide gesture. He showed up at an employment agency once with his arms gashed all to hell and they called the cops on him.
For that reason, I think when he actually did commit suicide it was accidental. He liked seeing what happened after the attempt too much.
Then again, he was in Canada and the debt thing didn't apply so much, so I don't advise it.
I once heard someone say, or read it somewhere, or something... Anyways, if you ever find yourself suicidal and depressed and you feel like you have no meaning, just start walking, or driving. Go wherever you want, do whatever you want, and maybe you'll find something better, because you can only go up.
It made a bit more sense where I read it or whatever, but I always kind of liked it.