Glowbelly's Post-divorce questionnaire for flirtatious jerks

[doopa]

Originally Posted by glowbelly

just kidding.

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
If I want to be a man that's my business

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
I would just show them what they look like

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
It's my mother

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
Wrong hole

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No, I'd say it was a helpless blind baby old woman with asthma

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
if you call keeping it up my butt "hiding" then I'd say you're over emotional

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
breast pump

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I wouldn't say either. I'd just ask you back what the hell a snap on account is

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I'd say it's all you baby

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
It would depend on how drunk I was

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
why yes I do

12. have you read them?
and yes I have. and yes I can. and you can do it too!

13. did you really go to college?
Does anyone REALLY go to college?

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
I have to say yes to this one

15. do you talk in cliches?
I valk in cliches to zound french no?

why is the edit on this thing weird

[wobzire]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
If by change you mean get. Then no.

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
I find Non-cartoon boobs intimidating.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
I would tell you it was my boss but i would continue pretending to be a man.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I would be too out of breath to muster an "Oh my god please forgive me"

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
I'm a cat person

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
Bad how? like micheal jackson or like the power glove?

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Try to remember where I hid my really bad porn.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
The new Batman movies taught us that lies are good.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
Ask you if you have come across any really bad porn.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I don't smoke.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Yes.

12. have you read them?
No.

13. did you really go to college?
Yes, but they chased me under a table and ran around the table and so if I tried to get out they would run into me and it was kindergarden actually.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
You wont have to. Also you wont be able to.And if you are able to talk with a gag in your mouth from beneath a foot of goats blood you have earned your right to say whatever you want in my opinion

15. do you talk in cliches?
No I speak in internet memes kthxbye

[Fathom Zero]

I'll try this.

Originally Posted by glowbelly

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
That really isn't something I could try to do, much less actually pull off. I'd think I'd let you know if I had misgivings about my current job and was looking for another one.

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
Yes I would. If we were in a boob-talking-about conversation and you're cool with that.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
I'd tell you exactly who it is, unless I'd happen to be cheating on you. Actually, I'd probably be embarassed about having another girl call me and even if it was something insignificant, I'd make myself look very incriminating.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I felt that fucked up at something or I thought about something weird.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No. That's dumb.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
Hiding it is half the fun, no?

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Easy. Sell plasma. I'm not joking.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I'd lie through my teeth and work like hell to right it. If I'm unable to, I'll own up to it.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I'll let you handle it if I can't. The last thing I want is for you to be pissed more than you already are.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I'd go through every pack I happened to have and bum off of other people.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Assloads.

12. have you read them?
Yeah. Books as decorations are really gay and so are the people that have them.

13. did you really go to college?
Nope. Not yet.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
If we had a very long conversation about "anything" right before we got into the room, then yes. Otherwise, I couldn't.

15. do you talk in cliches?
Of course, baby.

[darkvare]

what does flirtatious means

[Tadao]

Because they don't have google where he lives.

[darkvare]

cause i'm whoring for attention

[Tadao]

We all know that mexican google is too lazy to give you an answer on time.

[darkvare]

i use french google

[Tadao]

[sspadowsky]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
I hate what I'm doing, and it's either I change jobs, or you see me on the news for killing an awful lot of people.

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
I don't understand this question. Quit being an art-fag.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
I tell you it's some whore who can't forget my incredible penis, which I don't need to tell you, because you spend every waking moment with your friends extolling the virtues of my incredible penis.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
Because I stuck my thumb in your butt without asking you if you were ready for it. Which you totally are, but you don't want to admit, because you're modest. Which, of course, is why I love you.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No, because any dogs hanging around 9/11 were service dogs, and they had the sense to get the fuck out of there. Animals are smart like that.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
If you weren't watching porn with me, I would question the quality of our relationship.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Jebus invented credit cards for a reason.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I don't know what a snap-on account is. 6000 bonus points for me.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I promise to take care of everything, because I'm a man, and that means I'm a provider, and that means my ego is the size of Montana, and you should shut the hell up and sit back and for Christ's sake not get pregnant while I try to handle everything.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
ALL OF THEM. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR EXPANDED VAGINA.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
I own no such book. I own other books whose virtues might contribute to me getting rich, but they are not directly connected to such a scheme.

12. have you read them?
The vast majority of them, yes. I do have to sleep from time to time. FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

13. did you really go to college?
Yes, but I didn't take it seriously. My mistake.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
I wouldn't do that. I would tell you, "My family sucks; here are some things to watch out for."

15. do you talk in cliches?
Only if I truly think it will get me some pussy. And isn't that why you ended up with me in the first place?

I declare myself the winner of Glowbelly's heart. All entries will cease now.

[Sethomas]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
To answer a question with another question, Would you hurt me? (note: answering either way will not bar further consideration of the matter.)

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
See, I have a certain number of reservations. Some people take me as having this aura and each would define it in a different way, so I have to take unique approaches with every person I meet with whom I'd like to develop a functional acquaintance, whether it be intellectual or coital or whatever else. Yet I do maintain a few hard-wired prejudices and one of them is that I hope to avoid ever going to California and/or Las Vegas for as long as possible. If it remains realistic, I will aspire to die at whatever age having never gone to either of those. It only follows, then, that I should provide irrational post facto justifications for such things via a voiced hatred of how lacking California boobs are. Also, I will say that California boobs are especially horrific in light of my intimate acquaintance with YOUR boobs.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
I have two bosses and both of them are female. When I throw out such a line, it IS insulting but certainly not to you.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I peed in the pool. Actually, that is not intended as a prurient euphemism, I swear. And really, get over it, the chlorine will kill us long before my urine does. If you INSIST on having a neurotic aversion to bodily fluids that are ejected from my pee-pee, I don't see how this relationship could have lasted so long.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No, I believe strongly in not letting my left hand know what my right hand is doing. I am quite content in the personal fulfillment that comes from having done that act.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
It's like I keep telling you, I'll let you have your porn back ("really bad" or otherwise) as soon as you eat your vegetables and put on the outfit I laid on your dresser. You know the one, and I know that it will fit so don't lie to me and say that the flippers are too big.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Before anything else, I will apologize for having bought a dairy cow with our money and then I'll try to outline why it seemed, at the time, completely logical for me to have slaughtered it for that delicious steak dinner we had last Sunday. Those who are willing to sacrifice a dairy cow for a delicious steak deserve neither dairy nor steak and that is what they get, yes, I know that now. I mean seriously, how big of a deal is it anyways, I have an idea. I think we can make more milk with that tub of Country Crock in the fridge.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
You should know my ability for semantic quibbling well enough to avoid calling me out on a lies versus truth dichotomy. It IS up to $500. If you asked if it were FURTHERMORE higher than $500, I would be honest.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I will promise to take care of everything, but from there I will actually encourage you to worry. I will insist that I've got things under control, but that is no reason to stop cowering in anxiety and, eventually, shame.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I do not smoke cigarettes. However, I know a very delectable maduro cigar that comes in a Churchill vitola. I can buy them in bulk for roughly $3 each and they tend to burn around fifty minutes.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Yes. My medieval philosophy anthologies are especially lackadaisical about getting me rich with respectable expedience.

12. have you read them?
As you likely remember, the first time you came into my bedroom was when I insisted that you look at my bookcase and marvel at the breadth of understanding and character that was implied by its contents. I really, really didn't want to ever hurt you by having to actually answer this question. Not after what I felt with you that night.

13. did you really go to college?
Oh, I did. I REALLY did. Really, holy shit did I ever go to college. God damn.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
No. I like the laconic virtue of just saying "stay quiet" instead.

15. do you talk in cliches?
I speak in archaic clichés, so unless you have a dinner party set in the sixteenth century I don't think I will spur too much rolling of the eyes.

[McClain]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
Certainly.

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
Do you befriend femenists? If so, no. If not, yes.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
No.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I didn't think it was normal to cry.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No. But that's only because I hate dogs.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
Yes.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Borrow $10 from a friend.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I'd give an approximate number.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
Take care of it.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
None.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Yes.

12. have you read them?
Yes.

13. did you really go to college?
Yes.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
No.

15. do you talk in cliches?
Show me the money!

[MLE]

I like how people are answering as if she asked "Do you own any books that have to do with getting rich quick."

Please re-read the question!

[Fathom Zero]

yay, I read the question!

[Sethomas]

Okay, I DID read the question, but the point I was expressing was that the books I own for furthering the goal of me getting rich are so alienated from that purpose that they certainly could not purport to do so in a "quick" manner.

[Fathom Zero]

That wasn't smooth at all.

[Tadao]

Originally Posted by Rez

PRELUDE: do you read? if yes, go on. if no, go away

No one said anything about comprehension.

[Archduke Tips]

Glowbelly, think about your child before you bring some internet weirdo into your life.

[D*O*L*E]

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
Because the spunk SHOT OUT OF MY EYES

[Rez]

hey fuck you seth california is awesome

[MrAdventure]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
A: i already told you a dozen times! i was a big dog, then i was a little dog, then i was a horse, then i was a superman holder, then i was the principal from breakfast club (i said dont write on the wall!) after that i was mr noodle from elmo (i hear he died?) and after that i was a chef! that's right i'm a stay at home dad


2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
A: only if we say tits in whispers while the kid is asleep and then it's because i just said "don't talk about tits goddamnit i dont care!"


3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
A: GET OFF DA PHONE GLOWBELLY I'M TALKIN TO YA ALREADY OH AH OH AH OH


4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
A: because i can't stop making race car noises or singing dirty stuff like aaron neville and it's gotten old


5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
A: i'd rather say that a dog rescued ME because it doesnt get better than being pulled from rubble by a dog's love


6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
A: pornography gets stuck in the safe where it's properly danny tannerd (dusted and alphabetized) and if you want to use it both of us gotta be there to turn the keys at the same time otherwise it's gone forever


7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
A: i'm outta here *peels out* and by peels out i mean we're havin bananas and water! okay maybe i borrow a cup from the neighbor (if they're nice i don't want some stoner's milk)


8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
A: if i had $5000 i'd be too busy doing the waynes world "i got five thousand dollars" song and dance to hide it


9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
A: well first off i frown because you swore in front of da kid! then, i say "you got it babe" and then i go to the dry erase board and wonder where my budget blew up


10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
A: the only way i'd ever smoke a thing is if someone gave me a cigar george burns licked (it would let me live to 100 years old i bet)


11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
A: heck yeah i hope you like elves and swords and shirtless dudes


12. have you read them?
A: only til the parts where things get too sexy, then i giggle and close it


13. did you really go to college?
A: i did and now i owe them big time! it was all worth it though, you should see how smug i look when i fill in the some college bubble on those surveys from the mail, and then i put in parenthesis (too smart for college)


14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
A: unless we're doing a reverse surprise party (where we shush each other then open the door and yell surprise!!!) feel free to talk about me my mom would love to tell you about me, she would just be all "i love him he's a great guy a great guy" mostly because it's true and my dad (who wouldn't be there that's what divorce does) would be all "he sure knew how to mow the lawn" which is the extent of our relationship so long as i don't have a real job gawd


15. do you talk in cliches?
A: only the best ones for my new family! it's like you're dating beavis butthead wayne and garth it sucsks... NOT!

[Grislygus]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
Define "jobs".

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
Real or fake?

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
It actually was my boss pretending to be a girl.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I had sex with my boss earlier.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
I'd tell her I raced to New York City after 911 and rescued firefighters from the rubble.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
Hahahaha.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Call all of the lazy motherfuckers I've lent money to.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I would never, ever do something like that unless I could somehow profit from it.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
Rent? Rent? Cute.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I promise that I would switch to chew instead and never leave your side, even while spitting.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
I'm already rich. Filthy, stinking, immorally rich. And yes, by the way.

12. have you read them?
Read them? I will have you know that I am practically a scholar on Calvin and Hobbes.

13. did you really go to college?
Yes.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
Any direct orders I give you will be clear, precise, and typed in advance.

15. do you talk in cliches?
I am an original, unique, almost godlike figure that does not bore himself with repetitive drivel. You aren't allowed to bore him with repetitive drivel, either.

[Blue Fox]

wow. your ex musta been a real dick if your hooking up with one of these retards on the rebound glow... T-T

[Colonel Flagg]

My "stream of consciousness" answers:

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
What, do I look like I have a death wish? Of course.

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
Do they know? If so, then Hell Yeah!

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
Only if it's my boss pretending to be a girl.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
Ummm ... if you have to ask, then never mind.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
Only if they took me seriously. Then I might say that I was also kidnapped by aliens.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
Bad porn is meant to be savored, like fine wine, and can only be properly made fun of in groups of two or more.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
You mean we're also out of Bourbon? If not, then what's the problem?

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
I'm embarrassed to say I had to look up "snap on account" on Google. Honestly, what would I be doing buying all these tools? Im a complete technogeek, wihout any sense whatsoever of what to do with hedge-trimmers.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I call the landlord, ask for an extension and hope you never find out. :facered

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I don't smoke. More to the point, ritual "significant other abuse" is part of "sharing the experience", is it not?

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Of course. Mostly Chemistry and Physics related.

12. have you read them?
I'd better have.

13. did you really go to college?
And grad school.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
We're sufficiently in synch that, yes, I'd expect you to know.

15. do you talk in cliches?
What do you think?

[Cosmo Electrolux]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
what if I don't have a job to begin with?

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
are boobs different in California?

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
My boss is a girl

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I wiped my dick on your curtains...

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
that's too stupid even for me....

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
no..I would insist you star in the porn....

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
steal it

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000? no clue what snap on is...wait, is that the tool company?

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I take care of it.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
don't smoke...

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
yeah, actually my bookshelves are full of books by Robert Anton Wilson, Crowley, and George Carlin

12. have you read them? every last one

13. did you really go to college? yes...I have the failed grades to prove it.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
No, I'd say "pretend you like me"

15. do you talk in cliches? no, I speak in mindless riddles

do I win? are you going to send me topless pics now?