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Jixby Phillips · #1

I was in highschool, and me and my friends were out bowling. Anyway, this redneck guy walks up to us. You could tell that he was being egged on by his redneck friends, for whatever reason, to come say something to us. So he walks up, like he's got something really clever and insulting to say. He sits down at the lane next next to ours, and taps my friend's shoulder. He says one of the most amazing things I've ever heard:

"If there was a yearbook, you'd be dumbass number 1, and you'd be dumbass number 2!"

He walks back to his group of friends.

Lets disect this statement "If there was a yearbook." What? A yearbook for what? The bowling alley? Or does he mean just in general? Did he, before walking over to burn us, convince himself that he invented the concept of a yearbook? Also, does this concept include a "Dumbass #1" and "Dumbass #2" title?

And the best thing about it, is that I got it on tape! I had a camcorder with me, and I taped him saying it! You can only hear the end of it, but his satisfied smile and nod before he walks away, finished with us, is forever captured on tape.

Fuck, I gotta find that tape.

SOMEBODY ELSE GO NOW

Ghost of Fraiser · #2

If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't of spent that last year in college

But seriously, I got one of those failed insults, one time me, Professor Cool, our bassist friend Steve, and this other guy were eating at this resturaunt. This stupid White/Latino guy walks in with a guy who looked just like Hula-Hula from the Plasticman cartoon. Anywho, this guy hated us (he was a senior, we were sophomores)m anyhow we just ignored them until we walked past our table, he stopped turn to us and said this charming little ditty

"Should you fags be eating at a gay butt sex resturaunt" he turns back and his Hula-Hula a high five. We just starting laughing, hard. Sooner or later it pissed him of, he spitted in our direction and stormed off after one of the waitress's yelled at him for spitting.

What a wonderful, man.

NEXT TURN!

pissed off salesman · #3

One time when I was a junior, some fuckup in my biology class slammed his left hand in a locker until it was swollen, and bleeding. He then proceeded to class. He raised his pulpy blood gushing appendage and asked to be excused, but the teacher said to wait till we were dismissed. The dumbass then screamed at teh teacher "HEY, I DIDN'T FUCK UP MY OWN HAND FOR MY OWN HEALTH, BITCH!" he got expelled, and comitted to therapy for self-inflicted wounds!

The Retro Kat · #4

Out of no where this skater fella comes up to me and says "You can't skate on grass." Then he walked away. I later found this fella to be one of the most retarded peoples I've ever come across. Later that week he got caught smoking an carved out apple bong into his locker.

I'm boggled if he thought I was a poser skateboarder (which, wearing 2nd hand resale shop retro clothes, I don't think i look like one). Or if he was stating to me that he can't skate while he was under the influence of cannibas. Either way, it was random to involve me in that.

sadie · #5

when the older of my brothers got really, really angry as a kid, he'd scream, "YOU BALD-HEADED BISCUIT-EATER." it's always made me laugh, but i'm pretty sure it still qualifies as stupid.

Emu · #6

Quote:

Originally Posted by pissed off salesman

One time when I was a junior, some fuckup in my biology class slammed his left hand in a locker until it was swollen, and bleeding. He then proceeded to class. He raised his pulpy blood gushing appendage and asked to be excused, but the teacher said to wait till we were dismissed. The dumbass then screamed at teh teacher "HEY, I DIDN'T FUCK UP MY OWN HAND FOR MY OWN HEALTH, BITCH!" he got expelled, and comitted to therapy for self-inflicted wounds!

that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.

Mad Melvin · #7

There was this guy I use to know, who thought that babies come from womens ass. That would be understandable if the guy was like 8 years old or something, but he said that stupid thing when he was 15. 15!! How stupid can you get?!

glowbelly · #8

the white trash next door used to yell at thier kids all the time. in the summer, it's all i heard (along with loud engine revving) because we kept our windows open as we don't have air conditioning.

the mommy actually said to her child:

"IF YOU HIT HIM I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS"

Rez · #9

Quote:

Originally Posted by glowbelly

the white trash next door used to yell at thier kids all the time. in the summer, it's all i heard (along with loud engine revving) because we kept our windows open as we don't have air conditioning.

the mommy actually said to her child:

"IF YOU HIT HIM I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS"

they need a talkin' to.

not in that PTA-esque "we were concerned" crap

but a more humanitarian "YOU FUCKING BITCH" style.

i cant think of anything really, hobo renee saw cher on the today show, and when she tried to tell me what she said (i forgot) instead of saying

"cher said"

she said

"cher told me"

it's not stupid, but it's fabulous.

MrAdventure · #10

one time there was a blind black man in a wheelchair downtown and he asked for a quarter, and he was like, "god bless you," when my friend gave him a quarter. talk about dumb!

MrAdventure · #11

haha oh yeah and this other time a panhandler walked up to my friend's car while we were in it, and my friend gave him a cigarette when he asked for one, and he said, "that made my day." hahah i was like, "what a fag i bet he already has cancer"

glowbelly · #12

rez: the got thier "talkin to." they were evicted.

one time the bad ex and a couple of his friends and i were on our way to lollapalooza in columbus (WHERE I MET MIKE D AND DANCED ON STAGE WITH LUSCIOUS JACKSON). they were all fucked up on wine and weed and whippets (not ME

). anyways, we pulled off the highway to go pee at some weird truck stop and on our way out my boyfriend backed into some old guys car. the old guy got out of his car, came up to the window and yelled in the bad ex's face:

"I USED TO BE A PUNK JUST LIKE YOU, UNTIL I GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A RACECAR!"

then he got in his car and left.

MrAdventure · #13

ooo yeah and hey this one time i was sitting in my friend's room and we were watching a tv. my friend is like talking about his ex-roommate, saying, "you know why they can't make phone calls next door? it's because he spent the money i gave him for our phone bill on drugs and stuff!" and i was like, "aww man i could never trust that guy again"

MisSFiT · #14

I was in a discussion about something with my mom's boyfriend and as I was stating my opinion I said "Jesus Christ" and he used to be a preacher and got a little upset. Then after he told me not to say the Lords name in vane I told him that I didn't believe in God. He stormed off saying "Well, if that's the way you think then you should drop out of college!"
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

And I remember when I was little my mom told me that if I ate my boogers my head would cave in.
What a dumbass.

EverythingWillSuck · #15

A couple of my friends were getting stoned/drunk, and one of them got up and said 'Goddamnit, you'd better smoke your fucking beer'

That still cracks me up

kellychaos · #16

Boogerhead!

Drew Katsikas · #17

When my pal was little, he and his buddies whitewashed a kid (buried him in snow) and the kid ran away screaming

"I hate you guys, you sexy apes!"

AChimp · #18

I was waiting for the bus downtown once, when this drunk Native guy walked up to me and started harassing me for change. I gave him a couple nickels and pennies, but he was so plastered that he dropped them all.

Then, he looked at me and said, "You dropped my money, man." I was just like, "You want it, you pick it up."

Rather than picking it up, he decided to sit down on the bench and start sniffing some cottonballs that he had soaked in gas. Then he proceeded to show me the few teeth he had and complain about the Chinese dentist he had gone to. He did a few demonstrations of how the dentist pulled one of his teeth. Then he slobbered all over everything and tried to touch me.

The best part was yet to come, though.

Him: "Hmm... you think you could dance with wolves, boy?"
Me: "Probably not."
Him: "I didn't think so either."

EverythingWillSuck · #19

Quote:

Originally Posted by AChimp

Him: "Hmm... you think you could dance with wolves, boy?"
Me: "Probably not."
Him: "I didn't think so either."

:/

Perndog · #20

"It's nice of Michelle Branch to help out a new band like Santana by singing on their record." - 15 year old girl

Drew Katsikas · #21

Quote:

Originally Posted by EverythingWillSuck

A couple of my friends were getting stoned/drunk, and one of them got up and said 'Goddamnit, you'd better smoke your fucking beer'

That still cracks me up

I always use the phrase "smoking beer" with my pals, a sorta stupid inside joke. Michelobes are the best to smoke, according to us. We even made up lyrics for a heartbreak hotel kind of alchol/tobbaco song.

Since Marlboro went outta buisness
I found a new smoke to smoke
It's not exactly tobbacco
But it's definetley Micheolbe
I got the Skoooooaaal.
I got my Skoal and miceolbe!!

Yeah.

[/i]

crash0814 · #22

Two friends of mine videotaped themselves harassing a group of little kids. I felt bad for the kids, but it was still pretty funny.

Little Kid: I know your mommy!
Jeremy (my friend): You know diddly shit!

But anyway, one of the kids took off his shoe, put it on a stick, and began to wave it while chanting, "This is my shoe! This is my shoe! This is my shoe!"

I didn't feel bad for him after that.

Mr. Vagiclean · #23

Me and my friends have this expression called the battleface, it's just simply going up to a talkative person in the class and making the most AGGRESSIVE face you can make followed by a groaning or growling noise while you violently shake your head up and down

you just have to remember to scream out stupid shit like "BATTLE FACE!" or any word that implies combat + face

Once a friend o mine decided to try that to a hot girl talking about some fuckin shopping habits. Well he got nervous

while he was about to scream out "HECTIC FACE" he accidentally shot his disturbing amount of saliva on to that pretty face. I just asked the teacher for a bathroom pass right after that