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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 3rd, 2008, 11:20 PM        hey
think mashing up 1st person and narration would be a good idea?
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Asila Asila is offline
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Old Apr 3rd, 2008, 11:47 PM       
Depends on the context, can you give an example?
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 12:04 AM       
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Guitar Woman Guitar Woman is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 12:11 AM       
I have no idea what you're even asking
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 12:13 AM       
WELL THAT'S BECAUSE YOU FAILED HIGHSCHOOL HUH? YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. HAHAHAHA I AM SUPERIOR VICTOR.
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 01:24 AM       
he will someone review my writing for me?
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Pub Lover Pub Lover is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 03:26 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Misdemonar View Post
think mashing up 1st person and narration would be a good idea?
I found it clumsy, occasionally jarring but mostly muddled.

Is your keyboard broken or are you attempting some motif with the recurring lack of 'M's?

You have the start of something that could go somewhere, but you have to be sure you have a place to go. Your descriptions are interesting, and I have a sense of a place and it's people, but it needs more.

I suck at reviews. :x
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 4th, 2008, 03:35 AM       
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pub Lover View Post
I found it clumsy, occasionally jarring but mostly muddled.

Is your keyboard broken or are you attempting some motif with the recurring lack of 'M's?

You have the start of something that could go somewhere, but you have to be sure you have a place to go. Your descriptions are interesting, and I have a sense of a place and it's people, but it needs more.

I suck at reviews. :x
yeah my m and b and space bar are broken, and I have to hit them for it to work.
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Old Apr 5th, 2008, 04:06 AM       
Okay, my first reaction was to say something referencing the fact that the design of keyboards is centered around the idea that individual keys need to be "hit" for them to work in pretty much any conventional/intended use. Like, say, I could play on that idea with the suggestion that you have telekinetic powers that are useless on the M and B keys and the space bar because they, as you mention, are broken.

The problem is this would be very inconsistent with my character as you all know, since Sethomas would distinguish between the generalized act of "hitting" keys and the verb "depress" which would be more precise in this context.
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 5th, 2008, 03:36 PM       
I meant HIT THEM HARD.
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 6th, 2008, 08:12 PM       
alirhgt, so I wrote an outline for a two part story

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liquidstatik liquidstatik is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2008, 03:16 AM       
if i liked reading i swear i'd help you out man
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Asila Asila is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2008, 09:36 PM       
I only got through half of one of Tribes draft, but it was due to time and not a lack of interest. I really like your use of descriptions, and they're really vivid but not overwrought or overdone--like, for instance, the way I write--but you do use a loooooot of commas. They stop the eye somewhat, they're so prolific.
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Misdemonar Misdemonar is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2008, 09:49 PM       
Thank you for taking the time to read my draft, and the review, it means alot to me :o
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