I've debated with myself for a long time whether or not I should talk about this little escapade in my life because of all of the sheer wackiness
and retardation and nerdy teenaged drama involved but loveline has seriously sucked some huge balls lately (except for CaptainBubba's paint hentai game thread, that was good) and though I don't know if this post will redeem the forum
or anything I'm going to talk about it anyway because we could all use a good depressing am I right? of course
I have had one real girlfriend. Ever. She is my currently my sorta-fiancee (I haven't actually asked her to marry me or anything but we call eachother that because calling her my girlfriend after nearly five years sounds kind of stupid especially since we are living together although I will continue to refer to her as "my girlfriend" in this story shut up) We met on the internet. I won't say how because frankly I don't really remember the details and you don't care anyway right
I'm going to try to keep things short. I live in Illinois and she lived in Florida at the time. After about two years of internet dating
we planned to meet eachother. My family had wanted to take a vacation anyway, so she and I planned to meet in Atlanta, GA, where my family would be staying at my uncle's mostly-vacant house. I say mostly-vacant because he and his then-wife were both BIG BUSINESS PEOPLE who literally flew back and forth across the country several times over the course of a few days, every week. So we didn't see much of them. This part is relevent but not necessary to the story so I'll try to make it short ok
We met in person for the first time at my uncle's house. My family had already been there for a day or so before she arrived. In the interim all kinds of retarded thoughts were jumping through my head (The one I remember most prominently was "o god what if she's black or something how will i explain that to my family" even though I had seen several pictures of her and she was not and even still my cousin had married a black woman two years earlier and nobody cared.) Basically we spent the vacation doing fun family activities and just getting a feel for one another's personal activities. That and attempts at fondling. We were both utterly inexperienced virgins and, moreover, incredibly nervous around the rest of my family. We ended up not doin' it though I was blueballed for the entire trip
Afterwords we went back home and I fell into another desperate funk. I was very depressed at this time and was actually in therapy for it (which in retrospect was probably a mistake.)
My parents were feeling bad for me I guess and we organized a trip for her to come up in November and spend three weeks at my house. I was excited of course. She came up and spent time with us and after she left I felt like I was finally starting to come out of my depression. About a week after she had gone I got hit hard and couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. My parents became really frustrated with me and told me that basically the only reason they had let her come up (and they implied that it was also the only reason they had let the relationship continue at all) was because they wanted me to cheer up. Thanks guys
I honestly think I suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD, haha, f*ck you) which is that thing where depression hits you hardest in the winter months. After winter had ended (this is around March of 2004 now) I started feeling better. Senior year was on the downslope and I felt pretty confident. Of course, that was only a short step up from my initial depression and I was still feeling pretty bad. I ended up failing three of my classes required for graduation -- I needed an economics credit, a lit credit and a science credit. I ended up taking correspondance summer classes to get those missing credits and I graduated more or less on time (if a BIT late.) Life began improving after this point. My girlfriend and I were keeping up a strong relationship in spite of the milage between us.
Summer 2004 was a strange time for me. I honestly have no recollection of anything that happened except that the library's new building opened. Somehow I talked my parents into allowing my girlfriend to come up and live with us and allow us to take classes at college together. I honestly have no idea how that happened.
At the end of the summer, she was on her way up again. Things were cool.
In spite of that, though, I was completely and utterly unprepared for college. I had planned to and did get a part time job at a local restaraunt and I was initially not going to go to school until Spring 2005; my girlfriend ended up doing just that, except at a grocery store. My parents absolutely forbade this in my case and forced me to sign up for classes. I reluctantly did so and, being utterly ignorant of the situation at large, was relegated to a counsellor who organized my schedule for me. She did an awful job.
I got stuck in some shitty classes. Because of my job's schedule, they were all scheduled at night (6:00 p.m. - 8:45 usually) and I remember I was in Biology 110, English 110, a correspondance literature course and a study skills course. My English teacher was a second-year teacher and probably 25 years old. She had nothing but utter apathy during class and utter snobbery outside of it (the comments she left on my papers were ludicrous) and I walked away from the class with nothing but a headache and wasted gas, especially on the FOUR occasions when I had to drive 30 minutes to school only to find out class was cancelled. Fuck. I failed the class.
I also failed study skills because of the ridiculous hours and the fact that I missed the first day because I was violently ill from working in the restaraunt. I worked there in the mornings when the entire town's chain-smoking population would drop in for morning coffee. I loved the old folk to death (except for the one who asked me, "Did you know that you're beautiful?" more on that later) but sweet Jesus they could smoke 20 packs in 10 minutes let me tell you. And there is almost no ventillation in this establishment. I worked from 6 AM to 1 PM, breathing literally nothing but smoke and the smell of fried eggs and bacon, moving at lightning speed during the breakfast and lunch rushes; you get it. I quit the job after a mere two weeks (though I did make pretty good money, really) and decided to focus on school.
Study skills, though. Failed it because the bookstore couldn't be bothered to restock the book necessary for the class in spite of the fact that the supplier and the class' teacher were one in the same person. I had to go 3 weeks without a book.
By now you're probably asking yourself how this works into my love story. Come January my parents found out about my ineptitude and threw a fit. I was so utterly enraged by this point that I ripped my computer out of the wall and didn't touch it for two weeks (and ended up missing Helm's great "Frustratingly true love stories" thread which I re-read today and inspired this thread, actually.) My girlfriend thought my parents had treated me rather unfairly (given the situation, and I've purposely left a few things out) and we bonded over our angst. After going cold turkey on the computer and bonding with my girlfriend and such at this point I was beginning to feel better.
Here's where things get interesting for you dramacrats ok
My girlfriend and I literally spent every waking (and sleeping) moment together for the next four-five months. We even took all of the same classes in school together, and I drove her everywhere.
Any of you people who have done similar, you probably know where I am going with this.
The mitigating factor here is that we also car-pooled to school and hung out very often with my best friend (who is also a girl -- settle down, you clods, this isn't going where you think it is)
My best friend and my girlfriend also became fast friends after meeting. They're both artists of great talent and enjoy a lot of the same stuff. So we all hung out together a lot and things were going good.
Gradually, over time, they began spending more time "with" eachother than with me. That said, they were having 18-hour long chat sessions on AIM -- they would often continue mostly unbroken from noon to 4 in the morning. I started feeling a little rejected, but I didn't really mind, since we were all getting along so well and things were going good for me -- summer was fast approaching and I was scheduled to spend the summer in Florida with my girlfriend and her grandparents.
Gradually my girlfriend and my best friend's relationship got tighter and my girlfriend began talking of my best friend coming to Florida with us. I didn't mind at the time, though her grandparents objected on the basis that their house was too small to be occupied by 5 people. The idea remained up in the air for a little while.
Gradually, my girlfriend started behaving strangely around me. She stopped returning signs of affection -- when she did return a hug or a kiss or whatever, there was no enthusiasm; she was kind of doing it like it was her duty or something. I started feeling awful. Truth be told, though, I'm not going to pretend like this isn't also partially my fault. I was beginning to grow tired of her being around, since we had literally spent all of our time together for the past six months. I needed some time alone, and I wasn't really being subtle about it. But when she began ignoring or outright rejecting me, I panicked and became clingy. She began shoving me off or pulling away if I tried hugging her or anything.
She had basically stopped talking to me at this point. We kind of kept up a charade of being cheerful around my parents and my family, but when we were alone in my room together we basically didn't talk. She stopped sleeping in my bed. She would stay up until 4 in the morning talking to my best friend on AIM -- and when she went to sleep she would just go into the basement and sleep there. Several times I contemplated breaking her laptop into pieces with a sledgehammer, but never acted upon it.
I tried a last ditch effort to restore some kind of affection for me in her -- we went to the zoo. I know that sounds cheesy or something but we had never been and we both love seeing the animals. That and it brought back memories of visiting the HUEG zoo in Atlanta -- which is what I was going for. She remained frigid the whole time. Just to be cutsey when we went into the Batcave I tried to hug her from behind just because I'm a complete retard but she ended up just tensing up, pushing me off, and almost started crying. I was a broken man by this point.
I will admit at this point that I'm sort of naive. I wasn't really sure exactly what was wrong with her. Certainly it was a combination of things, but I figured at most that it was was that she missed her grandparents, who she hadn't seen in nearly a year. We were scheduled to go to Florida together and spend the summer there, and I was hoping that would cheer her up.
I take it back -- I wasn't really broken until one night in late May. My girlfriend seemed upset about something (I wasn't sure what, but this was just after the zoo trip, so I figured maybe that was it) and she was, of course, talking to my best friend about it and not me. She came and picked my girlfriend up and they went to Dairy Queen or someplace. I took this opportunity to read their conversation. One of the last few lines went something like this:
Girlfriend: I don't know, I just don't feel safe anymore. I feel like he might hurt me.
I don't think I've ever been so offended in my life. I am not and never have been a violent person, nor had the thought of hurting her or anyone else -ever- crossed my mind. I don't know what the fuck that was about. As proof of this point, I reacted to reading that by taking a drive out in the country. When I got back she still wasn't home yet and I went out into the back yard and picked one of the poppies that grew wild and gave it to her when she got home. Whenever I stop to wonder if I'm gay, that moment keeps recurring in my head, I wonder why
Naturally, she was more or less unaffected by the flower. Women.
Then when I was getting ready to order my tickets for Florida, my parents told me I couldn't go. At all. They didn't want to pay for the ticket. And I had no money. Whoo.
My girlfriend's grandparents offered to pay my way -- they're really generous folk and I love them dearly, and they really wanted to see me since I hadn't seen them since we went to Atlanta. I turned them down because I couldn't take their money, and I had thought that perhaps my girlfriend needed some time alone. I grudgingly accepted and she went to Florida at the beginning of summer 2005.
I was well over my initial depression at this point. In spite of what had happened to me, I refused to let it get me down. Instead I managed to fall into what I can only call a haze. My entire life became sort of cloudy at this point. I don't remember a lot of it except that I came down with a really severe cough that didn't go away even after a month -- whether or not it's related to the situation is anyone's guess. I ended up taking a summer psych course in order to fill my time (since I wasn't feeling up to working) and ended up living vicariously through Led Zeppelin, who were basically all I listened to for that summer.
I haven't mentioned much about my relationship with my best friend, have I? Well, I maintained steady contact with her throughout the whole ordeal. She was sympathetic, though I think somewhere in the back of my mind she wasn't as sympathetic as she made herself out to be (and honestly, I wouldn't have expected her to be.)
In my girlfriend's absence all kinds of paranoid assumptions and thoughts ran through my head of what my girlfriend and my friend had done together in my absence. If you're wondering (and I know you are) I have it on good testimony that nothing happened. They just talked and listened to music and hung out. I hope the fact that I'm talking about this relatively good-naturedly is enough to tell you that this story does indeed have a happy ending.
I became scared. I was keeping contact with my girlfriend over the phone; idle chit-chat, mostly. Then came the kicker: She wanted my friend to come down and spend a few weeks in Florida with her since I couldn't. Not only that, but she was going to pay her way. Not only that
, but she wanted me
to get the tickets ready, because neither of them knew how to do it.
You know what? I complied. I did it, I got the tickets, and I allowed it, because I still loved her and it was, after all, my two best friends, and I wanted them both to be happy. Even if it meant I could never see either of them again. How could anybody expect me to continue being friends with either of them after this?
I did what she asked, but I fought her the whole way. I told her that I wanted to go instead, but she said my invitation was basically invalidated because I had turned her down earlier. I wasn't happy about that.
My best friend felt awful about the whole situation. But she couldn't turn down a chance to go to Florida, especially an invitation like that. She went, and I was left utterly to my own devices for three weeks; basically the rest of the summer.
I wondered at this point if I should just give up and begin pursuing a new relationship. I'm one of those dependent people who needs other people or else I go insane; I had no other friends to talk to at the time, as most of them had become estranged since high school.
Remember that psych class I mentioned? Yeah. There was a girl in there from Japan who (I thought) kept looking at me and giving me signals. I tossed the idea around in my head for a while, but like I said, I've only ever had one girlfriend and I'm notoriously bad at communicating with people I don't know personally. I decided to let it slide.
As fate would have it, however, I am a complete, utter, drooling faggot for sushi. I eat it as often as I can afford to.
One day after class I decided to try out a new restaraunt I had found and drove over there. On the drive over I imagined what I would do if I went into the place and the girl from class happened to be eating there.
Turns out she worked
I don't believe in all that destiny crap that people write novels and Star Wars movies about but I'll be damned if it didn't seem like that shit was at work right now. We made small talk over some avacado rolls and I gauged the situation. Retrospectively, I should have been able to tell right then that she wasn't interested, and was only talking to me to be polite, but at the time I felt like I had a chance. I visited the place three more times that summer and always made sure she seated me and I left her a big tip. I talked to her a few times after psych class, too.
Then came our last day of class. We each gave our presentations in turn, yadda yadda. I contemplated the whole time whether or not I should bother asking her out. It was likely I would not see her again after this; this was the last class she needed to get her degree and then she would graduate. I decided hey, what the hell.
We got on the topic of sushi (smooth
) and we stepped outside to chat. She immediately lit up a cigarette (one of those gay slim ones that womens smoke) and sucked on it like it was a water fountain and she'd just escaped the Mohave. I saw her visibly relax and felt myself tense heavily. Smoking has always been a huge and immediate turn-off for me (at least in women, I've never found myself giving a shit if guys do it) but I decided to stick to it. I asked her out to a sushi place for dinner (One she hadn't been to... Jesus fuck, I'm bad at this) and she kind of blushed and turned me down. I felt great. I had needed an answer -- yes or no -- just to alleviate the OH GOD WHAT IF SHE SAYS YES/NO situations that were stampeding through my skull. I was a little disappointed, but in light of the smoking factor (and the fact that she out of the blue mentioned having a boyfriend right after I asked) I was relieved. We walked out to our respective cars, chatting about paintball (since there's a paintball pit not a mile from my house, though I've not been) said our goodbyes and went home. I cranked up Led Zeppelin and I haven't seen her since, though I still eat at the same sushi place pretty regularly.
To this day I wonder if she thinks I was stalking her.
I arrived at home with a newfound confidence. I felt strange. I felt like I had just cheated on my girlfriend -- but somehow that made me want her back all the more. I called her and we had several long, long, tear-filled talks. We both missed eachother desperately. As far as I was aware, things between my friend and her were not going terribly well -- neither of them were willing to drive anywhere, so they were both cooped up with my girlfriend's partially disabled grandparents for three weeks with no entertainment besides a TV and a barely-working 56k internet connection and an 8 year old re-built laptop. A Dell, even. Pff.
To make an already too long story shorter, they both flew back together from Florida. Our relationship blossomed anew and to this day we're getting along much better than we were at the time. We learned some things about eachother and we're giving eachother more space when we need it. All three of us -- me, my girlfriend and my friend -- are on good terms now and things are basically back to normal, except for some cheese about how we're older and wiser and that bullshit. Jesus fuck this turned out long.