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McClain McClain is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:28 PM        I am now a Cultivator of BEES
So I'm watching the television on the couch with my wife when I hear her yell, "HOLY SHIT!" while looking out the back door. I see what can only be described as a giant cloud of bees swarming in my back yard.
Out of amazement, I adhered myself to the window and gazed as they collectively formed a giant bee hive the size of a melon on the branch of a 6-foot-tall cherry tree, causing the limb to sag about three feet.
After about 10 minutes, most of the bees found a place in the pile and there were but a few still roaming the premises. "This looks menacing," I thought to myself.
Out of consideration for my neighbors, which all have small children or dogs, I decided to call Animal Control. This is the conversation I had with some bozo. I swear to god this is true. I omitted certain parts of the conversation, like my address and phone number, for obvious reasons.


"Hello, I'm calling because there are about 500 bees making a hive in my back yard."

"500 what?"

"Bees."

"What are they doing?"

"Looks like they're hanging out on a branch on my tree. Can we do something about this?"

"Well, we'll probably have to wait four days before we'll send someone out."

"Why four days? They're here now."

"Because they're probably in transit."

"In transit?"

"Yes. They come and go."

"Well, there are lots of young children that live around me. And dogs."

"Do you have young children?"

"No, but my neighbors do. I'm surrounded on all sides my young children."

"Are they African Killer Bees?"

"I seem to have lost my Bee Identification Guide."

"You must have missed that episode of National Geographic. *laugh*"

"Yeah, whatever. Can we do something about this today? I wanted to barbecue and right now I don't see that happening."

"We'll come over this afternoon, but only because you said there are children present."

"Yes. Children. A lot of meandering toddlers. Thanks."

"Thanks."

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Last edited by Chojin : Jan 1st, 2000 at 12:01 AM.
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FartinMowler FartinMowler is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:40 PM       
Well that was informatative. I slipped and fell on my ass yesterday because the ground is covered in ice but I didn't call anyone.
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Rongi Rongi is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:43 PM       


I can't help but laugh, what a moron. That sucks with the bees though, we don't have any at the moment...because of the fucking SNOW .
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:44 PM       






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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:57 PM       
I thought this was going to be about you quitting smoking. Good story, though. :story
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McClain McClain is offline
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 11:20 PM        ...
The people didn't show up, so my wife encouraged me to call them again. I picked up the phone, dialed the number and walked toward the back door to check up on my fuzzy little friends. When I looked, they were gone. GONE. I mean, within a span of three or four seconds they had completely disappeared. Not a single buzz in the air.
The guy on the phone was right. They were in transit. Holy shit that was bizarre.
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 11:35 PM       
what are they up to now???
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:25 AM       
Do they just carry the hive around?
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:31 AM       
But...what about the hive? Did they just abandon it?
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:34 AM       
That's what I just asked
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:37 AM       
They make new hives all the time. There's hundreds of those little bastards. Considering all they do is spit on leaves and stick them together, at a non-stop pace, it shouldn't be too hard to build a new hive every few minutes.

If they did leave the hive and I'm not just spewing out o' my ass, you should take it and put it in someone's mailbox. I don't know why, it just seems like a good plan.

Did you get any honey? Did the bees leave you honey? Honey for their new human master? Honey?
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McClain McClain is offline
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:44 AM        ...
From my limited understanding, they didn't actually create a hive. It was more of a coagulation of bees forming on a branch. I read that bees will follow the queen bee anywhere she goes. If she flies to a tree branch and lands, they will encompass her as a posture of protection.
Chance put her on the tree in my back yard. I guess she got bored and left. Her drones followed, thus ending my legacy as the largest bee cultivator of the 1500 block Murphy Canyon Housing District.

And no... No honey. No nothing. Fuckin' bees.
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Mockery Mockery is offline
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 12:46 AM       
DAMNIT
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 01:09 AM       
someone should read the whole thread.
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 03:19 AM       
MCCLAIN IS JUST LIKE CANDYMAN, EXCEPT BLACK
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Wiffles Wiffles is offline
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 05:36 AM       
Bees scare me >_<
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 06:37 AM       
Wiifles,

Poke the hive with a really sharp stick, then they'll get the picture and leave you alone forever!
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 06:51 AM       
If we poke Wiffles with a sharp stick, will it get the picture and leave us alone forever?
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 07:32 AM       
Nest time bees amass in your backyard, just give your neighbor's children cigarettes.
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 08:27 AM       
Hah-HAH! Killer Bee Invasion!!!

Hey McClain, I thought bees didn't kill smokers?
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 09:00 AM       
Fat Satan's suggestion helped me laugh through my fear of bees. Thanks Satan.
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 09:45 AM       
Didn't you see that episode of National Geographic?
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 11:57 PM       
The bees are following a new queen and will not make a hive until she's mated and settled. It's a cluster of bees, the start of a new hive community. Ths happens when a previous hive exceeds it's popuation density and a second queen is born.

Incidentally, this is how the Bee Beard trick works, and how domestic bee keepers start new hives. The new queen is placed in a box, and about half the hive will follow her and settle wherever she settles. It's scary but they're fairly docile creatures in this state.

It takes a full year to produce enough honey for a human to harvest.

also? They communicate the location of nectar to each other by dancing.

We keep bees at the Museum of Science.

On the downside, the jerkoff at animal control had no way of knowing if this bee swarm was making it's final stop and should have just told you to sit tight for a few hours and see if they were still there, which is just what you did.
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Les Waste Les Waste is offline
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Old Apr 9th, 2003, 12:46 AM       
I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT DANCE!!
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Old Apr 9th, 2003, 11:34 AM       
Finally a thread that was fun and taught me something!
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