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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 01:32 PM        The waxy-complexioned celebrities of Niagara Falls...(many pics)
Let's start off by saying that I have been to the Falls many, many times. My parents honeymooned there, and we went almost every summer. It almost feels like an old friend, albeit a rather cruel one. I got salmonella there once. I broke my leg there once. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, when I'm there I'm usually stricken by something at some point. But most of what I hemorrhage is money.

Niagara Falls, for those who haven't yet traveled there, is a truly impressive natural spectacle. It's an enormous river falling off a fucking cliff. Up close, the roar is deafening, and there's a perma-mist in the air. I think I read somewhere that 20% of the world's fresh water falls over that cliff at some point. You can pay to get on a boat to see it closer, or pay to go down to a platform to see it closer, and I wholeheartedly advise you to do so someday.

However, the vast tourist-trap crust that has formed around the falls themselves has absolutely nothing to do with them, and has become its own entity. I've been going there for 32 years that I remember, and the tourist crap may have been simpler back then but it was always there. Over 100 souvenir shops, funhouses, haunted houses, and the ever present "museums" are all there on Clifton Hill, the street leading down to the falls, with a hand out for your money.

This time, for the sake of the pictures and experience, I went out on a Friday night and said what the fuck and paid what they asked. I paid the money and did the legwork, and I am passing the free pictures on to you.

The first place I stopped was the Criminals Hall of Fame. This "museum" has been around forever and has remained virtually unchanged for 30 years, not even to dust. I sort of have warm fuzzies for the place, though. The quality is just so very bad. For example:

This is the least convincing depiction of Gary Gilmore that I have ever seen. They only had one or two male head molds, and you'll see why that's so funny in just a second.

Here's Dahmer. The fridge was filled with Canadian groceries, but the hands on the wall clock behind him were a nice touch.

Lizzie Borden, or as I always call her here, Trannie Borden. To make a female figure, they just slap a wig and makeup on a male head.

Like Trannie and Clyde here.


Most of the scenarios have helpful signs near the murderers, to tell you who they were trying to approximate. It'd be anyone's guess otherwise. Here's an 80s-era sign telling us that Ted Bundy confessed the killings. But who's he standing over?

I'm not really sure if they intended to depict this victim as alive or dead. We just know she was wearing Dolly Parton's wig from 9 to 5, that she went to bed in full makeup, and that he surprised her as she was clutching photos of herself and the other victim.

Next post- on to Louis Toussaud's.

Last edited by Kitsa : Jun 19th, 2011 at 05:14 PM. Reason: typo
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 01:43 PM       
Louis Toussaud's probably puts forward the most effort, so the quality is marginally higher than the other nothing-to-do-with-the-Falls museums in Niagara Falls. Marginally. They set up all of these photo-op scenarios, instead of keeping the figures in glass closets the way that the Criminals Hall of Fame does.

Queen Victoria, looking very much like Gordon Jump in drag.

One thing that I found consistently funny was that the figures were all billed as "instantly recognizable", but they all wore brass nametags just in case.

"Hi, my name's Jack and I'll be taking care of you today. Can I start you-all off with something to drink?"

You can sit and carry on a phony conversation with wax Oprah.

There was a Harry Potter room. They looked awful.

Kim Jong Illin':

George Bush Sr. looking boxy in a recliner.

For some reason, they put Sr. and Jr. off in a room by themselves, like a fake study.

I love that the Jack Nicholson figure has a nametag here. I guess they weren't leaving it to chance.

I can't remember, in all honestly, if this Manson came from the Criminals Hall of Fame or here, but judging by the quality, probably here.

He was standing in a room where they were blasting the theme music from Halloween. In Niagara Falls, that is the only music that they use for anything horror related. When you hear the Halloween music blasting out of a haunted house or whatever, that's how you know it's supposed to be scary now.

I also went to a "Rock Legends" wax museum, and will get those up as soon as I can...stuff to do now.
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10,000 Volt Ghost 10,000 Volt Ghost is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 04:32 PM       
They have the halloween theme blasting out of nightmares there too. The wax figures look really awesome though.
God speed you meddling kids.
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Tadao Tadao is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 04:39 PM       
I can't wait to see the rock legends. Is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame any good? Like worth the plane ticket and maybe other sites near by?
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10,000 Volt Ghost 10,000 Volt Ghost is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 04:58 PM       
In Cleveland? I was actually disappointed by it. If anyone is playing in Cleveland the house of blues is always an awesome venue. Grog Shop too.
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Kitsa Kitsa is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 05:46 PM       
I was okay with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but I was pissed at their camera policy. I went all that way to take a picture by the Ramones case

I have a lot of Cleveland stories. Moving on, though.

Here's the Rock Legends museum. This place was really bizarre...you had to go in a gift shop to pay for tickets ($26 cdn for 2 people), then walk back next door to give them to the girl at the desk with the cash register whose only function was to take tickets

They also had big signs everywhere that basically said "We know we're awesome, but don't you dare take any pictures of our stuff unless you buy a ticket." Yeah, fuck you up both nostrils, Rock Legends.

There was a stage with various crap I didn't take a picture of. You passed under KISS as you went through the entryway. No photos of KISS without paying...yes, this is very much in the spirit of KISS.

The Gene Simmons wasn't bad, but I think there's sort of a correlation between a cartoonish original and a decent rendering.

You just sort of wandered through a chronological arrangement of figures. This was their Jimi Hendrix.

This looks nothing like Janis Joplin, postmortem or otherwise.

Jerry Garcia was looking ok, but I was wondering if all the sunglasses were a lazy move on the part of the sculptors. I kept wanting to lift them to see if there was just a flat expanse of unworked wax underneath.

Alice Cooper.

Freddie Mercury looks like one of those male blow-up dolls. From what I've heard, that might not have been too far off.

Then there was this.

I know there's not much of a leap from "Johnny Rotten" to "rabid baboon", but I feel they could have done better here.

And I think Sid waxing Vicious here might have had a few more brain cells than the original:

For the record, the Sex Pistols were the ONLY token punk exhibit I saw. There was also a 20 foot tall mural of them outside the Hard Rock Cafe. I was very disappointed.

And for some reason, I was offended that they didn't bother to paint the inside of Ozzy's nostrils:

Here's Tina Turner looking terrifying.

Steven Tyler.

Bruce Springsteen?


...would you believe Eddie Vedder?

Bono. Taunting me with his sunglasses.

The funny thing with this place was, they started a rap/hip hop section, but they either ran out of space or enthusiasm. So they basically called it in by blasting rap down the back staircase on the way out, and painted glow-in-the dark Snoop Dogg and Eminem. Didn't even bother with wax.

So those are three Niagara Falls money-eaters, hope you enjoyed them. I'm enjoying the thought of people seeing this stuff for free.

Last edited by Kitsa : Jun 20th, 2011 at 09:13 AM.
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Fathom Zero Fathom Zero is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 07:01 PM       
Oh my god, that rock museum has the scariest, most inaccurate wax figures ever.
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Tadao Tadao is offline
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 08:12 PM       
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Old Jun 19th, 2011, 08:17 PM       
I went to a crappy wax museum in St. Augustine, Florida a few months back because It was where the exterior shots for one of my favorite Vincent Price movies was filmed (House of Wax) and was kind of unnerved by the walls in one room because they had a buch of half formed screaming faces set into the wax.
"You've gotta' look to the future. The future is anarchy. I'm talking about lawlessness, I'm talking about the Lebanons of the future. I'm talking about the breakdown of the whole system. The military defending people against people. You won't get your appropriations waving that flag, there's no glory in that kind of warfare!"
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All Hail Duke All Hail Duke is offline
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Old Jun 20th, 2011, 03:52 AM       
dubya looks a lot like chevy chase
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creeposaurus creeposaurus is offline
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Old Jun 20th, 2011, 04:13 PM       
I kind of want to go to Niagra Falls now. Just for the wax museums
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