Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican Today

[Zebra 3]

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

If everyone had a gun, teenagers could shoot the angry kid in school before he shoots anyone else.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in public schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George W. Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which mean Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The Christian Right has a monopoly on family values, and hate is one of them.

The separation of Church and State applies only to nations under Islamic rule.

[El Blanco]

Its weird, but everytime I see that, someone adds more to it and it keeps getting less funny and intelligent.

Same applies to the liberal version.

[davinxtk]

It all seems to apply rather well, without much need for humor.










psglobalwarmingisjunkscience

[ziggytrix]

I'm unaware of conclusive evidence for or against global warming as a result of human influence, and it is certainly possible.

The attitude that humans are incapable of disasterously affecting our enviornment is both foolish and dangerous. Localized water table depletion and desertification are probably more serious issues than global warming.

[Brandon]

In the interest of staying "fair and balanced."

Things You Have to Believe to Be a Democrat Today

Drug addiction is a disease that should be treated with compassion and understanding...unless the addict is a Conservative talk show host.

The United States should be subservient to the United Nations. Our highest authority is not God and the U.S. Constitution, but a collective of tinpot dictators (and their appeasers) and the U.N. charter.

Government should relax drug laws regardless of the potential for abuse, but should pass new and unConstitutional anti-gun laws because of the potential for abuse.

Calls for increased security after a terrorist attack are "political opportunism," but calls for more gun control after a criminal's spree killing is "a logical solution."

"It Takes a Village" means everything you want it to mean...except creeping socialist government involvement in the nuclear family.

Disarming innocent, law-abiding citizens helps protect them from evil, lawless terrorists and other thugs.

Slowly killing an unborn innocent by tearing it apart limb from limb is good. Slowly killing an innocent disabled woman by starving her to death is good. Quickly killing terrorists, convicted murderers and rapists is BAD.

Every religion should be respected and promoted in public schools the name of diversity, so long as that religion isn't Christianity.

The best way to support our troops is to criticize their every move. This will let them know they're thought of often.

Sexual harassment, groping and drug use are degenerate if you're the governor of California, but it's okay if you're the President of the United States.

Sex education should be required so that teens can make informed choices about sex, but gun education should be banned because it will turn those same teens into maniacal mass-murderers.

Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.

Poverty is the cause of all terrorism...which is why the leaders of al Qaeda are typically U.S.-educated and were raised in wealth and luxury.

The Patriot Act is a horrific compromise of Constitutional rights, but anti-Second Amendment laws and Franklin Roosevelt's Presidential Order 9066 must be regarded "reasonable precautions."

We should unquestioningly honor the wishes of our age-old allies, even when said allies no longer act like our allies and have vested economic interests in propping up our enemies.

Socialized medicine is the ideal. Nevermind all those people who spend every dime they have to get to the United States so they can get quality medical care...that their nation's socialized medical community can't provide.

Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and Natalie Maines are perfectly qualified to criticize our leadership, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, and Dennis Miller are just ignorant political hacks.

John Lott's research on how gun ownership reduces crime is junk science, but Michael Bellesiles is still an authority on why gun control is good (even though he was forced to resign from Emory due to research misconduct over his book "Arming America").

Bush's toppling the Saddam regime was a "diversion," but Clinton's lobbing a couple of cruise missiles at Iraq in the thick of the Lewinsky sex scandal was "sending a message."

A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies' intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning Second Amendment rights and shopping the courts for judges sympathetic to causes that wouldn't pass in any legislature.

"The People" in the First Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Fourth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Ninth Amendment means The People; "the People" in the Tenth Amendment means The People; but "the People" in the Second Amendment (ratified in 1791) means the National Guard (created by an Act of Congress in 1903).

You support a woman's "right to choose" to kill her unborn child, but don't believe that same woman is competent enough to homeschool the children she bears.

Proven draft-dodging is irrelevant, but baseless claims of AWOL status is crucial to national security.

Threatening to boycott Dr. Laura's and Rush Limbaugh's advertisers is exercising Freedom of Speech, but threatening to boycott CBS's "The Reagans" and Liberal actors over their asinine anti-American remarks is censorship and McCarthyist blacklisting.

Its weird, but everytime I see that, someone adds more to it and it keeps getting less funny and intelligent.

Same applies to the liberal version.

Amen, brother.

[Perndog]

The fact that a similar list exists for liberals makes the whole thing pointless.

There's are a couple of things called pragmatism, and when you're trying to govern a quarter of a billion people with a few thousand conflicting viewpoints, one or the other of them is going to take precedence over strict adherence to principles. This applies to conservatives and liberals equally.

But liberals are still bigger whiners.

[Big Papa Goat]

You're way worse than OAO ever was.
And davin, I didn't know you were an atmospheric scientist. :P

[ziggytrix]

Goes with favoring change over staying the course, Pern. It means you aren't happy with the way things are. *shrug*

[Drew Katsikas]

Originally Posted by ArtificialBrandon

"People here aren't tolerant of views right of Max. Everyone fucking worships him."
- Drew Katsikas

You can never tell if these sig things are a joke. Mind letting me know?

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by Drew Katsikas

You can never tell if these sig things are a joke. Mind letting me know?

I wasn't ripping you, I just agreed with the statement.

[Drew Katsikas]

Well, apparently Kevin the guy who has no more food eating preference gimmick, called me a herb, due to my opinion. I appreciate that fact that someone realizes this board is incredibly left leaning and intolerant of different opinions.

[sspadowsky]

I like the list Brandon submitted, because it makes an unintended, overwhelming statement: Conservatives tend to be tight-assed (figuratively speaking) and have little to no sense of humor. That's why reading Brandon's list was like listening to a stuttering internet geek tell a UNIX joke whose punchline he forgot. And Dennis Miller isn't a political hack, he's a shill. And went he turned conservative, he stopped being funny, and just turned into a bitter prick.... which is why he has to pay $15 a head to get people to watch his CNBC show, because they're the only ones watching it. That's his fault, not liberals'.

[Drew Katsikas]

I think both of the lists do point out problems somewhat accuratley. Such as strict contruction leanings in the left, yet 2nd amendment questioning. And with the conservatives improving military morale by slashing benefits. It's not that unfounded.

[Big Papa Goat]

Does anybody have views that cannot be summed up by a direction?

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by Big Papa Goat

Does anybody have views that cannot be summed up by a direction?

I consider myself a moderate. People here who lambaste my sacrilege of *gasp* advocating conservative foreign policy conveniently forget how often I've supported things like gay marriage and abortion rights.

[Perndog]

*raises hand*

[davinxtk]

And davin, I didn't know you were an atmospheric scientist.

Because everyone knows you can't hold an opinion on something without actually being involved. Maybe we should all stop talking about how poorly the country is being run or even voting, for that matter.

Originally Posted by sspadowsky

what he said

Yeah. And it's pretty obvious reading the one about Liberals that it was written as a reaction to the one about Conservatives, and rather poorly at that.

[AChimp]

The author of the Liberal one just reversed everything that's listed in the Republican one. :/

[davinxtk]

Learn the word "attempt," AChimp.

[El Blanco]

Originally Posted by sspadowsky

I like the list Brandon submitted, because it makes an unintended, overwhelming statement: Conservatives tend to be tight-assed (figuratively speaking) and have little to no sense of humor. That's why reading Brandon's list was like listening to a stuttering internet geek tell a UNIX joke whose punchline he forgot. And Dennis Miller isn't a political hack, he's a shill. And went he turned conservative, he stopped being funny, and just turned into a bitter prick.... which is why he has to pay $15 a head to get people to watch his CNBC show, because they're the only ones watching it. That's his fault, not liberals'.

That was either the world's greatest example of sarcasm or irony.

[KevinTheOmnivore]

Originally Posted by Drew Katsikas

Well, apparently Kevin the guy who has no more food eating preference gimmick, called me a herb, due to my opinion. I appreciate that fact that someone realizes this board is incredibly left leaning and intolerant of different opinions.

Your choice of the word "apparently" is apt, because you have no idea as to why I chose to eat meat, or how often, or what in particular, etc. etc.

I had been been kevin the herbivore for a loooong time. I had Roger change it to this to be cute. Period.

As for your opinion:



Your opinion amounts to this: "OVER HERE! OVER HERE! LOOK AT ME, I'M GOING TO BE RADICAL AND DIFFERENT AND TAKE A STAB AT MAX AND THE BOARDS, CUZ Í'M SUCH AN INDIVIDUAL, SERIOUSLY, I AM, OVER HERE!"

Hey, maybe back up your opinion, and remove your lips from Brandon's ass, and then your opinions might be respected. Otherwise, go cry somewhere.

On a more pertinent note, I love it when people post these e-mail chain things, cuz they're guaranteed to get Blanco all upset. At least this time he didn't really bother responding to it all.....

[El Blanco]

What gets me upset is seeing the same joke beaten into the ground over and over.

These lists were posted on here just before Christmas, I think. I'll say now what I said then.

The first time I saw these lists, they were in the same email and were about 10-15 points each. I got a laugh out of them.

Then, I kept getting them, with little chages. The lists kept getting longer with more and more references. The references went from funny, to obscure, to just plain weird.

I truly believe brevity is the soul of wit, and these assinine lists just prove me right.

Why do you think Letterman uses a Top 10 List and not 50?

[KevinTheOmnivore]

So then we should expand them. Make the "to be a Republican..." criteria like 100 sentences long, and then send them to the dopes who would actually read it all and then go "HA! That's soooo true!"

[kellychaos]

Both lists are based on irony. I guess they're supposed to make you think like a Jack Handey "Deep Thought", only they're not that deep. If you were to transpose them into straight foward statements, it's pretty much the same crap you here them flinging at each other over the airwaves daily and, to be honest, it's getting rather old and trite.

[The_Rorschach]

You know, I'm a fiscal conservative, but my social leanings are liberal. . .which, Ironically, is what I thought the Conservative Party was all about, you knowing, keeping the Government small, restricted and for the most part free from interfering in the lives of law abiding citizens. . .Oh well.