Today's Headlines from Major News Outlets

[Sethomas]

...followed by a sentence or three that reflects either the mental image created by their poor wording, or the absurdity that people think it should be news.


(See ACTION MOVIE thread for background.)

Storms pound heartland; 2 dead
No, seriously, today in the national news there was rain in Idaho. An elderly woman died in Portland and a teenager was killed in a drunk driving incident. That's all the news for the entire country, but we've got some really shitty "personal interest" articles if you'd like to support our ad revenue.

Circle of men prayed, cried during temple raid
Sexologists and social psychologists are presently analyzing the implications raised by the first known instance of post-ejaculatory male weeping involving a Mormon circle-jerk, despite a statistical precedent set for Mormons who cry after sex or masturbation.

American 'sorry,' cancels 570 more flights
Americans in general are poorly-perceived on the world stage, but holy shit, this particular American takes the art of being a douchebag as seriously as if he were on stage in a televised douchebag contest judged by the pope. What is this, he's "sorry", but he can't help himself so he goes and cancels hundreds of even MORE flights? Who even gave him the power to cancel that many flights, anyways?

Nude photo of French first lady sells for $91K
Speculation is circulating as to how its value will be affected when it's re-introduced to the market in roughly three days with a visible residue of Jean Marie le Pen's semen*.

Glenn Beck: America's deadly addiction
If America can't learn to put aside their Glenn Beck habit, they'll end up like their brother... just another Glenn Beck overdose.

Bee invasion is 'like a horror movie'
You don't know shit about film if you don't know that the original "Wicker Man" was way better than the remake. The remake wasn't even a horror movie. Maybe you could say it was LIKE a horror movie, but whatever dude. You probably can't even name all the Terantino movies.

Shop sells cat-dung coffee at $100 a shot
(I just wanted to note that I first tried Kopi Luwak back in December aftere years of building up to the effort of buying it.)

Baby Gets Pacemaker
Look, you little shit, I've had THREE pacemakers after the first was recalled and the second malfunctioned. Did I ever get on the CNN frontpage? No, the most I got was an interview with The Washington Post, and if you think that counts for shit then you've got a lot of growing up to do.

Timeline tracks case of slain Marine
Analysts predict that, given their new applications in crime solving, timelines show an incredible amount of progress and timeline technology is only improving. Timelines are not immune to controversy, however, as many predict that they may soon experience emotions, raising a host of concerns of how we may ethically use them.

*French politics lol