Nov 4th, 2009, 01:14 PM
gain her trust and slowly get her in your house
once she feels safe and comfortable in your house that's when you start pouring the pinot noir. Then you really want to open your ears up and listen to what she has to say because I'm sure she's been through some mess, ya know? Since she has some children she'll probably be upset over not providing for them. She'll put a good bit of blame on herself, but at the same time put blame on their father(s) so that you won't think she's a completely crazy bi*ch who deserves everything she's gotten so far in life. Just tell her that you think she's a great mother and that it's probably all just a bunch of bad luck. Turn on the TV as background noise, and be sure to have something with Matthew Mcconaughey on, but make sure it isn't that dragon movie or that one where he's a loser that fuc*s little red heads that are 14 years old. That would be a deal breaker.
After the movie, deep conversation, and the wine is done you let her know that it's fine if she stays, and you will even let her sleep in your room. You gotta catch up on some reports for work, so you'll just sleep on the couch anyways. Now if you've done everything correctly, she'll be wanting you to go to sleep in your room too. She'll say she's scared or that it isn't fair to you and you've done enough for her already. Reassure her that it's fine and send her to bed, but tell her that you'll consider it.
After an hour or so has passed you'll want to shotgun about two or three beers(six if you have hair on your chest though). Wait about 20 minutes and then brush your teeth and wash your hands really, really well. Spray a little bit of that cologne you got on you on your neck and stomach too, but don't bathe in it for christ's sake. You want to be subtle.
Now right before you go to sneak into the bedroom to lay next to her you should probably do a few push ups. You've been neglecting the gym, but you want to atleast somewhat resemble how you looked in your glory days. Sure it won't be like it was then, but you just shotgunned a few beers, so who gives a shi*? Take off your shirt after your done with your "workout" and sneak in bed next to her with some pajama bottoms on or possibly some running shorts. You don't want to lay next to her in just your underwear because then you'd be some kind of pressumptious assho*e even though she clearly was looking at you with those hungry, lonely eyes, so you need to act like you honestly just want to get some sleep. Remember, you're trying to act like you care and you want her to trust you.
Brush against her "on accident" once you get into bed. Chances are she won't wake up, so ease up next to her and pretend that youre asleep. This technique may back-fire because (a)she might not make the first move, (b)she might of never have woken up, or (c)you have passed out on accident due to your alcohol conssumption. So if nothing of importance happens within 10 minutes it'll be time to try something else. I mean, you don't want to lose your buzz right? What would even be the point of all this if you didn't have a buzz? So lightly run your fingers down her back or through her hair. She'll wake up, but she probably won't know why she woke up. Whisper that you're sorry to wake her up and that you've tried sleeping on the couch, but all it did was just play hell on your back. Tell her you're sorry again and that you'll be asleep on the other side of the bed. Roll over and put your back facing her. While you're pretending to try and go back to sleep she'll come around. They always come around. She'll roll over and face your back. She'll say she can't sleep, or maybe she'll thank you for everything you've done for her. Now all you have to do is wait for your feet to touch. Once your bodies make contact youre in like flint, son.
The next morning you have to tell her that you have to be at work in an hour, and unfortunately the extermination guy is coming to fumigate you're place today. It's not due to roaches or some gross ass bugs like that because youre a clean guy and you handle your business when it comes to mopping and shi*. She'll probably ask if she can wait outside or hang around until you come home because she's, you know, homeless. Tell her you'd like for that to happen, but the landlord is a jerk and he'll throw you out if he sees somebody living there that isn't on the lease. Once she's out of the house and you "go to work." You're in the clear man. Call your buddy that is coming back home tomorrow from his vacation and tell him that you fed his cats while he was gone. Also tell him that you drank about six of his beers in the fridge last night as well as polishing off his $13 bottle of wine.You had the day off today and just got a little too into the game last night while watching his big ass flat screen. Tell him you crashed there last night too because you got a little "too drunk." Tell him that you'll hit him back ASAP before he has a chance to say anything. He'll say, "awww man it's cool bruh, thanks for looking after my place while I was gone!"
Just go home and roll a cigarillo at this point and remember how good it feels to be you.
You're welcome.
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