Yes, I know its been a long time since that movie came out, but I was thinking about it and decided to give the joke a shot.
The Aristocrats, Jeanette X's version:
A married couple, a man and a woman, enter a talent agent’s office. The man is tall, tan, dark, and muscular the all-American red-blooded male. The woman, blonde, petite, quite pretty, the girl next door. They are dressed impeccably, the man an expensive suit, the woman, in a charming dress. The man is carrying a large suitcase. The talent agent says:
“So what kind of act do you do?”
They smile disarmingly.
“Please, allow us to demonstrate for you.”
The woman leaves the room, and reenters a moment later leading a magnificent pure white stallion, a really beautiful horse with a silky mane and tail. It looks like it could win the Kentucky Derby. The woman then kneels before this animal, and begins to fellate it. She does this with great enthusiasm, using every fellatio technique that has ever been described in Cosmo, the Joy of Sex, and anything else you can imagine. She deep-throat’s the horse’s length like a sword-swallower, taking it like a champion.
Meanwhile, the man has undressed, and is now nude, stroking himself into tumescence as he watches this spectacle.
The woman disengages herself from the horse, which whinnies and stamps the ground. She then opens the suitcase, and produces a large flask marked “Mare’s Urine.”
Her husband goes onto the floor, on his hands and knees, and she pours the urine down his back, where it dribbles into his buttocks. The horse mounts him, snorting, as his wife tears off her clothes and furiously masturbates with the bottle. The man does not lose his erection, on the contrary, it seems to quiver with joy as the horse covers him and pounds him. He mewls with delight as the horse ejaculates into his abused rectum, blood, fecal matter, and semen dripping down his legs. He stands up, still erect. The woman then reaches again into the suitcase, and produces a large gun. She approaches the virile stallion, and shoots it the head, causing its brains to splatter onto the fine mahogany furniture. The horse falls over onto its back and dies, its bowels releasing onto the expensive white carpeting. She again reaches into the suitcase, and produces a gas powered chainsaw, which she uses to saw off the horses head, and to saw the horse’s abdomen open. The pair then jump into the gaping abdomen, remove the intestines and the stomach, and squeeze out the contents of each. They then smear themselves with a grisly combination of blood, manure, and half-digested grains. The man bites out the horse’s eyeball, and begins to eagerly copulate with the socket. The woman reaches into the suitcase again, and pulls out large double ended strap-on dildo, which she slicks up with the mixture. The woman wraps the intestines around his neck as he does so, choking him, but giving him just enough air to continue. She then rams the entire length of the dildo into his rectum as he pounds the horse's head.
They're both close, you can see it in their eyes. The man's eyes bulge out, and he begins to gasp.
"Wait, you have to stop, YOU HAVE TO STOP! IT HURTS TOO MUCH! I THINK I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!" Indeed, blood is now pouring copiously from his torn, stretched anus.
The woman replies,
"But if I pull out now, THE TERRORISTS WIN! WE MUST STAY THE COURSE! STAY THE COURSE!" She shouts. They both continue to pound away, until they reach a wild orgasm, both their heads snapping back as they scream to the heavens.
They then turn to the talent agent, who is sitting there aghast and in shock.
“So, what do you think?!” they ask, panting.
“Wow…that’s a hell of an act, what do you call it?” says the agent.
“The Aristocrats!”
So what do you think? I thought it would be funnier if I used clinical terms instead of vulgar terms, because its rather unexpected and sounds more a police report or something.
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