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T-Rex · #1

"Hello, I am the Green Scorpion, an aspiring Real-Life Superhero. If you don't know what that is, check out: www.worldsuperheroregistry.com It is the site where I learned that such people actually exist. I have long thought that there should be people like that, so I have decided to become one, putting my money where my mouth is. Now when I watch the news, I don't say "That's terrible, how tragic!", I say "That really pisses me off! What should I do about it?" I have not accomplished much yet, aside from occasionally patrolling my neighborhood, but I am networking with like-minded individuals and hope to really take a bite out of crime in the future! I am here to chew gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of gum!*"

*This is actually a really good quote. So manly. Oh, wait a sec! Isn't that a Duke Nukem quote?! Oh shit! When he's not fighting crime, Green Scorpion is at home in his living room playing video games. Wow! WoW even.

So, following the recommendation, I went to this world superhero registry website. It seems that superheros are far too busy fighting crime to find a web designer who isn't a Geocities retard. Poor web design aside, we are presented with the criteria an aspiring superhero must meet in order to be considered for registration.

"Costume: The purpose of a costume is not simply to protect the identity of the Real-Life Superhero from criminals that might seek revenge, but to make a statement both to the evil-doers that you fight against and to the world at large...The costume of a Real-Life Superhero must be of sufficient quality to show some care went into it's creation."

So the outfit is a statement to evil-doers? Let's check out some of these comstumes. I'll assume the role of an "evil-doer" and make a judgement.

First up, "The Eye".

Statement made: "I am Gaysexual."

Let's see, he has to make a statement with his costume, and he wears a leather jacket and a tie?! That's not even a costume! You'd get no candy if you dressed up like this prick for Halloween.

NEXT!

"Ragensi"

Oooooh! Look at me! I'm all black and "I study paranormal phenomena, mostly the similarities of beings that people perceive to be angels , demons , aliens , tax collectors , etc." He covers up his face trying to be all badass like a ninja, (which is universally agreed upon that they are totally awesome). Way to bum a lift on that train, you dolt. I love how he tried to be funny by adding "tax collectors" to his list. What an asshat. All he implies is that tax collectors are a paranormal phenomena. Please go swallow a knife Ragensi, I hate you.

I'm not going to hate on all of these guys. Believe me, there's quite a few to hate on:

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.co...ry_gallery.htm

I won't do that because there's actually a guy I like....

Polar Man!

Self declared neighbourhood bitch!

Sure, I still believe he is a turd. Perhaps it's because he is the least offensive one that makes me think of him as an actual person.

"Polar Man shovels elders' steps and walkways, entertains children and prowls the streets some nights keeping an eye out for vandals

He models himself after a figure in an Inuit legend, an unknown white man, who provided food and clothing to people in need."

Look how proud he is, standing there with his shovel! You shovel our drives and keep our bridges paint-free while we now have more time to have lives. Good on you, Shovel Man! Good on you!

Oh, but wait!! It gets nerdier!!

Superhero Lair Project

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.co...ollarlairpage/

Superhero PHILOSOPHY!

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.co...philosophy.htm

"Apprehending prostitutes saves no lives, protects no property, and does not significantly advance the cause of justice."

Superhero "Intelligence"!

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.co...telligence.htm

I bet they do all this just to avoid talking to girls.

darkvare · #2

there was a clip in the soup about some of this guys. They asked one "do you have super powers?"
he answered "not yet" priceless.

I wonder how many times they get beat up every day.

T-Rex · #3

"I am saving up money to go to foreign lands where innocent people are being killed, such as Darfur, Iraq, Afganistan. I was born to save the world from Terrorism & Injustice, and will also passionately defend Freedom to my last dying breath. I will also always help & save those in need, to the best of my ability."

New York based Superhero "Tothian". His clenched fists made me :-)

Fat_Hippo · #4

Yeah, how are these guys gonna stop any vandals? If they see some punks spraying graffiti on a wall and tell them to stop it, they are simply screwed. If any of them really wanted to stop crime, they should become police officers. Jesus.

Well, if polar man knows how to use that shovel, he might be able to wallop somebody, but that would actually be illegal, unless it was in self-defense, and then he'd have to purposely aggravate any criminals he comes across...in fact, they can't do anything they'd need to be able to do if they wanted to stop crime, because they're not even allowed to. Sad, just sad.

Guitar Woman · #5

MetalMilitia · #6

The Church of Scientology have a kind of super hero school where they teach you how to unlock your super-powers (for a nominal fee, of course). One such power you may learn though this school is the ability to control your blood salinity

The only possible time I could imagine this being a benefit to anyone would be if they were captured by cannibals. "Ha! Enjoy your overly salty meal, JERKS!"

executioneer · #7

fathippo most superheros are vigilantes by description

this is one of the reasons they have secrat identities

Fat_Hippo · #8

Right, but they still mostly get a sort of respect from the cops, allowing them to openly do things that other people wouldn't be allowed to do, while these people...I doubt the cops are gonna hesitate to throw them in jail if they're caught in high speed car chases, shootouts and whatnot.

Dread Naught · #9

As for the quote *I came here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum* That came from Roddy Roddy Piper's movie They Live. As for super heros, as if it would happen. The contemptible belief that there is any one willing to that makes me laugh. Do yourself a favor, put those comics down. Face up to the fact that any day could be your last and let those who get paid to do it do their job. Give up the belief that somewhere some one will rise up to fight. It will never happen.

The Leader · #10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fat_Hippo

Right, but they still mostly get a sort of respect from the cops, allowing them to openly do things that other people wouldn't be allowed to do, while these people...I doubt the cops are gonna hesitate to throw them in jail if they're caught in high speed car chases, shootouts and whatnot.

Apparently you've never read Batman.

darkvare · #11

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Leader

Apparently you've never read Batman.

sure cause batman is a perfect portrait of reallity

Sethomas · #12

Fuck all these assholes. You wouldn't believe how much male-on-male sexual contact I've had to avoid, along with the idea of entering the Red Light district while in Amsterdam, to get to my illustrious point of heroically having donated about three gallons of blood by now.

And today, when a guy cut several people at my cash register, I heroically denied him the senior citizen's discount I usually give to people who just look old and made him feel mentally inferior in the process. I would have loved it if he'd called me out and demanded a refund, because those take TIME to complete that he so obviously didn't have.

T-Rex · #13

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkvare

sure cause batman is a perfect portrait of reallity

Yeah, I wouldn't model myself after Batman...

There's another hilarious one somewhere on the web. Basically Robin asks Batman what his parents are going to get him for Christmas. Batman loses his shit and bitch-slaps Robin exclaiming, "My parents are DEAD!!!".

The Leader · #14

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkvare

sure cause batman is a perfect portrait of reallity

My post was meant to point out that superheroes in comics aren't always given special privileges and are treated as criminals. Smiley= sarcastic tone.

darkvare · #15

an angry smiley is not sarcastic this one is

The Leader · #16

No, the use of that smiley in my post was meant to show that I was overreacting, thus, the post was sarcastic. You need to stop taking everything literally, unless your previous posts were all sarcastic responses to my sarcastic responses which would make them double the sarcasm and that would make me infertile. I'm chalking this one up to the language barrier.