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Les Waste Les Waste is offline
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:23 PM        Don't call it a comeback
Remember me? Of course you don't. Here's a funny thing I wrote. Talk about how you missed me / how funny this is. Also, go fornicate yourselves with a cactus.

http://www.advancetitan.com/story.as...218&story=4671

and if you're too fucking lazy to patronize the award-winning college newspaper's site which I was once the editor, here's the goddamn article. Also, fuck you.



Fat nerds in elf costumes scare me bad

by Chris Becker, of the Advance Titan
Issue: Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Added: 2/15/2006 1:03:43 AM

Recently I was discussing campus organizations with some colleagues of mine at the Advance-Titan and somewhere between gossip of the Oshkosh chapter of blind ornithologists and that one club for enthusiasts of those posters with kittens sitting in baskets, we got to talking about organizations on campus dedicated to LARPing.

If you’ve never heard the verb “to LARP,” it may sound like some disgusting sex act involving your down-there parts and a prostitute’s wet toes. However, it is actually an acronym that stands for “live-action role-playing.”

Whereas standard role-playing involves a bunch of nerds sitting in a dimly lit basement and using “magical” cards and dice to put hexes on their opponents’ tiny elf figurines, live-action role-playing involves those same nerds dressing up like their elf figurines and acting out the epic dice battles using foam swords and tennis balls, which they pelt their opponents with while chanting the magic incantation of “Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! There, I killed you Chad, now you have to play dead!”

As you can probably already tell, I find this concept to be very funny. And it’s not that I’m laughing at the participants, it’s just that I find the concept of adults (or a close facsimile) dressing up like extras from “The Lord of the Rings” and going on a quest to slay ogres in the park on a Sunday afternoon to be quite hilarious. And it seems even more comical (and makes me seem like even more of an unfortunate bully) when you hear how serious LARPers take their hobby. I’d have just figured the only obstacle LARPers face (aside from the figurative ogres, of course) is getting the permit to use the park’s gazebo.

I was chastised by my fellow journalists for being needlessly cruel to these poor nerds. What right did I have to make fun of them? They may look funny but they sure are getting more exercise running around a forest and hitting each other with foam swords than I get by laying in bed until 4 p.m., eating Funyons and watching Mexican soap opera re-runs.

After that incident with the figure skaters, I made a resolution to not belittle those I consider beneath me (I still have the stitches where they reattached my fingers) without seeing, first-hand, if I could handle the intense stress that is their brutal hobby. Thus this weekend I approached the local LARP club and expressed interest in taking part in one of their fun quests. The following is a log I kept to record the interesting parts (I edited out the long stretches of me crying while in the fetal position). Enjoy!



Friday, 4:03 p.m.

I arrive at the site of our adventure, the backyard of our team leader, Teddy Goldenstein. This site was chosen because it is especially large and full of natural obstacles, and also apparently Teddy’s mom likes to dish out lemon bars and Capri Sun juice packs after the My team is the Golden Dwarves, and our mission is to conquer the majority of the backyard (henceforth to be referred to as “the dungeon” for realism’s sake) while fighting back our opponents, the Crimson Orcs, and preventing them from doing the same.

Of course, the name Golden Dwarves is simply the team name, our party was comprised of various dwarves, elves, wizards, paladins, knights, necromancers and hobbits.

I was unsure how to dress for the proceedings, so I guessed on the appropriate garb based on my preconceived notions and whatever I happened to find lying around my apartment. Thus I came dressed in sandals, form-fitting leather pants, a crocheted sweater with an intricate flower design and a plastic gladiator helmet from an old Halloween costume (my make-believe back story was that I was as hemp knight from the Doobie Brothers Clan). Obviously, my weapon was a wiffle bat.



Friday, 5:12 p.m.

The team leaders just finished up their explanation of our mission and the rules. I got bored about three minutes into it and started playing with the buckles on my sandals, thus missing the entire point of what we were about to do. However, I think from watching hilarious Internet videos that I could keep up pretty well.



Friday, 7:35 p.m.

So far live-action role-playing is more difficult than I thought it would be. For one, these LARPers don’t seem to approve of novice players sprinting up to random competitors, regardless of what team they’re on or if they’re playing, and mercilessly pummeling them with my wiffle bat. It took me a while to realize I was doing something wrong, mostly because I was inflicting more pain with my plastic weapon than all the other dwarves and ogres were with their foam ones, and I thought that was the whole point.



Friday, 8:03 p.m.

I got penalized for my aggressive and irresponsible LARPing, and was forced to spend 15 minutes in the penalty zone (also known as the back porch). Apparently there is more strategy involved in this activity than play-fighting and horseplay. I sort of got the point of the game after some extensive explanation by an obese kid dressed as a Viking (he had to dumb it down a little). By the time he wrapped up his puppet show I had the rules of the game down.



Friday, 9:10 p.m.

I started to kick some serious nerd ass once I declared that my wiffle bat was “really” a +7 mace. Sure, I get punished when I call my weapon “the cracker smacker,” but when I make believe that it is something different, then I win. This might seem like a nutty observation on the foibles of the game we were playing, but in retrospect I think it was my saying this that lead to everything going wrong.

You might find this hard to believe, but LARPers take offense when you refer to what they do as “pretend,” or “make-believe,” or “retarded toddler recess time.” The tension was building all night, probably because whenever I referred to anything going on in the game I would make air quotes with my fingers and roll my eyes (personally I find it difficult call a foam-covered PVC pipe a “vorpal blade” with a straight face).

I think I’m even starting to piss off my teammates, especially this one fat guy with a ponytail and a neck-beard who was pretending that he was a level nine sorcerer. Every time he raised his curtain rod to the sky and yelped “I will summon a dragon to help us,” I couldn’t help but chortle and snicker for like 15 minutes. It was like a reflex; I couldn’t help it.



Saturday, 1:34 a.m.

Well I finally pushed the LARP nerds too far and they all snapped. I am writing this on my steno pad while hiding in a neighbor’s lilac bush, hoping that a pack of enraged dorks don’t find me and beat the living crap out of me with their fake weapons. A night’s worth of patronizing and heavy sighing was too much for these fragile basement-dwellers to bear. I think what pushed them over the edge was when someone threw a beanbag at me and said it was a fire-elemental spell. I naturally responded by picking up a large rock and throwing it at his head (an Earth-elemental spell).

Needless to say I smashed his glasses, and when his mom came out of the house she was pissed. Before I could say “Battlestar Galactica,” I was engulfed in a swarm of sweaty, chain mail-clad LARPers. After a barrage of beanbags, foam safety bats and plastic axes (as well as a fair amount of sprayed mist from asthma inhalers to my eyes,) The furious and pent-up rage of an army of nerds was being unleashed upon my face and head.

I had to escape; luckily, I happened to have a limited edition Dr. Who figurine in my front pocket. I threw it a good 40 feet and my attackers quickly went waddling after to grab it before stray dogs would rip it out of the original packaging. I quickly sought shelter in my lilac sanctuary.



Stupid nerds – when will they learn that nobody likes a bully?
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
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executioneer executioneer is offline
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:25 PM       
bobo adobo do you know you get a lot more flies with honey than with vinegar
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:29 PM       
from personal experience, I get a lot more flies from forgetting to take my garbage out for two consecutive weeks because of alcholism and letting it pile up in my kitchen then I do from anything else. But that's neither here nor there.
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:32 PM       
Gorillas on segways with kaiser helmets holding tommy guns in their meaty fists will patrol the streets. : (

You dont remmber me but I thought you were funny.
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:33 PM       
i told you man that rock and roll lifestyle you're livin is gonna get you in trouble one of these days
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:36 PM       
cpt. Bubba I totally remember the fuck out of you and I'm so happy you remember that weirdass imagery from one of my columns that is killer to the MAX.

and fuck you willie, I've already gotten in trouble from my rock 'n roll lifestyle and the important part is that I learned nothing from said trouble. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna drink the rest of my $6 Roundy's gin and then go to a bar and drink more gin and probably some dark beer.

I need to whaz.
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:45 PM       
I'M ONLY CRICITAL CUZ I'M JEALOUS U KNOW THAT RIGHT ;_;
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 10:53 PM       
Oh man what happen to the real les waste in your avatar
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Esuohlim Esuohlim is offline
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Old Aug 2nd, 2006, 11:28 PM       
Bobo I hope you know that I still visit and read stuff from Gorilla Pirate pretty much religiously man and that I never actually laugh at anything else as much as your writings.
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 02:26 AM       
Hi, I'm new!
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 02:27 AM       
Hi, I'm new!
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 08:37 AM       
bobo!
i've been asking about you. what're you doing now that you're a bona-fide, college-graduated adult? still writing?
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 09:29 AM       
so are you not coming back
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 11:34 AM       
I endorse this brief appearance by Bobo to cuss us out.
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 12:04 PM       
Bobo, pimp my post was brilliance. Plz stay a while
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 12:33 PM       
I was trashed last night on a liter of Roundy's gin and several pints of Lizard Lager and Chojin IMed me out of no where right before I went to a bar and told me that I should post again because I was missed. Being all drunk and whatnot I saw no harm in the proposal and now I am pleasantly surprised to see that there are still people here who not only don't suck, but are cool. I thought this board had gone to holy hell in a handbasket or whatever, but maybe that's just time's way of telling me I need to do a lot less goddamn drugs.

Did I mention I saw Primus in concert last saturday? And right when the show started I dropped acid. It was kickass.

Hi Sadie! Since I've graduated I have enjoyed a lucrative career as an unemployed person. And I've been writing, just not really for anyone or any thing. Also I've been drinking a lot.
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 12:43 PM       
I saw Les Claypool & His Fancy Band in July. Everyone was really drunk and smelly and it wasnt very fun because I gave up the sauce so i couldnt act foolish
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 01:37 PM       
I would give up shitting before I ever gave up drinking. I was still drunk today when I went to the store to buy come Colt 45s and smokes. Before I saw Primus I was at a friend's house who coincidentally lives like a mile from where the festival grounds were (I had drank many, many beers) and he made the mistake of producing a bottle of Jack and asking who wanted some. I then proceeded to chug. Then I chugged it again when no one was looking. Then I finished the bottle so nobody would get suspicious. Once I got to the concert (I chugged a beer on the one-mile car ride there) I made myself puke because I was full and wanted to make room for more drinking. Then of course, you know, the LSD.

Life just isn't nearly as fun if you don't have a constant slant on.
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 01:39 PM       
THINK OF YOUR HEALTH

Did claypool do any whamola? He did it for like three seconds when i saw him
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 01:45 PM       
no this wasn't just Claypool, it was Primus -- actual, real Primus, with the other real members, doing all old Primus songs. It was their only show of the year, apparently. But it was amazingly kickass to see Primus songs live (My Name is Mud and Southbound Pachyderm were especially awesome)
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 01:47 PM       
During the hallucingenetics tour claypool would do whamola stuff during Tim Alexander's drum solos. And promote Farenheit 911
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Les Waste Les Waste is offline
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 01:49 PM       
because I didn't know I had one. Also I just replied back to it.

and how the fuck come nobody commented on my brilliant LARP article? I got an award for that one
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 03:05 PM       
hello, bobo. it is so hot outside I'm e-scairt to leave work.
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Les Waste Les Waste is offline
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 03:24 PM       
Hello Max, I remember you as someone who is funny!

I live in an apartment with no air conditioning and it's been like 120 degrees in here for like two weeks. And I live in goddamn Wisconsin. It's winter for nine months of the year, so what the fuck. I have two fans in windows in my living room and also a huge, metal, industrial-ass-looking fan that I stole from my college newspaper's office (don't tell anyone on account of the stealing, but shit the office is in the basement of a heavily air-conditioned building, I worked there for five years and nobody goddamn used it so who the fuck is going to miss it).

You know when it's so cold that you can see your breath? It's so fucking hot now that I can see the little heat vapor lines everywhere. It's like the other thing only it makes no sense. Shit I hate the summer.

I saw a thread made by one mister Max Burbank about said heat but now since I said that I feel like I don't need to look at said thread. So there.
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Bobo Adobo is funnier and smarter than all of you, proven by the fact that he is currently in a high-paying and important government job where he earns a fat cash paycheck and much pussy. How did he get so famous and successful you ask? It's simple: he has never, in his entire life, watched one second of anime.
- Outerspacekid
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Old Aug 3rd, 2006, 03:38 PM       
We just got a bunch of thunderstorms in chicago and it's alot cooler now. Maybe some of that action is coming your way
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