Nov 4th, 2007, 06:04 AM
be in your hometown
Be your idiot in your hometown, spoending your night hopping around like a lunatic and drinking madly to pass away b oredom that filled you to your proverbial limit. Stand on a car and announce you will not take anymore of this until you get another beer.
Tire out in the corner, sit down, have a spit; have a talk; talk about glory and honor and treachery and wait for the day that will never come to you.
Spend your life singing along to songs but only in your head because you hate your own voice.
spend your life looking at beautiful paintings and drawings and bemoaning your lack of skill; write about it on internets and debate strongly, feel strongly, because all you have is your clashing of words and feelings.
feel the flesh, breath the flesh, imbibe the flesh in your every pore and die from the sickly diseases of your desire, whithering in your chair and biting your tongue raging against your human form.
Get close to God when you sleep, when you shower, when you defecate and urinate onto porcelain once declared valuable.
clean things to make them dirty and carelessly rub the spit into your clothes so it evaporates.
there you are, on your mountaintop looking down at civilization -- all the buildings and the ridgeline -- this is a city you knew too well, most of these corners you spat in or vomited and it was just a few short years.
The autumn has come and the leaves have changed looking most beautiful in their deaths and you are pleased because you know no matter how you die you will encompass that same beauty.
Your life is so meaningless except to you and those around you, a snowflake in the blizzard of humanity temporarily united. remembering the faces of other snowflakes. all a little different and all a little the same.
fornicate, drink, cavort, dance, regret. flail your limbs when you are bored and talk about a poem written by somebody dead who can no longer flail their limbs.
Be in your hometown again, in your mind or in actuality, with your closest friends rolling dice and drinking rum, watching television shows and reliving past moments; walking down streets and seeing the same humble abodes of the post-modern.
Walk away , by yourself, or drive away in your car. Take the long way home and pass your house and go right on and remember the things that you are seeing. promise yourself to remember them later.
explain over a telephone you are going home and then call back later and tell them you are coming back.
Be in your hometown with your special friends, leaving your other special friends in their hometowns; await your personal death as your life slowly melts.
get real drunk and forget what you did and regret it but laugh about what you heard.
clean your mouth out and kiss your reality and cherish it in your arms.
it is illegal for somebody to dump a human beings ashes into a river or into a lake in the United States but my grandfather had half of his ashes dumped into a lake in Hackensack, Minnesota.
I have decided I want the same for me, I want them to find my own Holiday place. I want my children to dump my ashes in a spot of my designation against the stupid laws of the human governments.
Now this is important:
1 year ago I was at a special training program with a man named Vecchio and we related together so well it was uncanny. We laughed all the time and promised to drink together (which we never did). We commented on the 600 year old graves in the hills where we trained.
He promised that if I were to die he would tell nobody and drag my corpse into the hills and bury them next to one of these long gone. I thought of it as a romantic declaration and I think about it as often as I think about the Rembrandt painting I stared in the eye 4 years ago in Los Angeles at the Getty museum with my uncle.
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- Mockery
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