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CaptainBubba · #1

Hey guys apparently nobody looks at loveline anymore and I mean totally unrelated I havent posted in a while. Since all the other threads in here are boring and you are boring just post your problem in here and I will solve it succinctly and accurately because you're an idiot and there will always be someone as desperate fat and drunk as you are ugly and awkward.

Terra · #2

HOLY MOLIE!!!!

A talking dick!!!

MockMeAmadeus · #3

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainBubba

Hey guys apparently nobody looks at loveline anymore and I mean totally unrelated I havent posted in a while. Since all the other threads in here are boring and you are boring just post your problem in here and I will solve it succinctly and accurately because you're an idiot and there will always be someone as desperate fat and drunk as you are ugly and awkward.

When you and Jonathan Clement get into bed, I bet I know which one off you are the drunk bitch.

CaptainBubba · #4

Terra the answer to your query is that fuck you.

When me and Jon get into our bed neither of us are drunk because Jon doesn't drink anymore since the custody suit and I have a heart condition and we are very comfortable with our sex life. Really we are both strong willed and independent people so we kind of just wrestle eachother for 2 hours until there is insertion so there isnt a constant bitch but usually his weight gives him the edge so if you are implying its me then kinda yea I guess I'm the bitch its not shameful if you know how to take it its kind of fun really I like to lie down and let the friction of the grind rub my dick against the bed its nice.

MockMeAmadeus · #5

You throw CaptianBubba into the mix and you're guaranteed to tear your funny cruciate ligament, I swear.

Magreaux · #6

CaptainBubba THANK GOD! Listen, I will admit any day of the week that I am a miserable failure when it comes to "getting with a lady" to use the vernacular (perhaps the most miserable of all failures), and that I am most definitely a boring idiot who's entirely unworthy of an average lady's attention (plus I think i'm getting a bit too soggy around the midsection for my own good but that's a whole other problem). However I figure it might be nice to try this whole "getting with a lady" ordeal at least once of my own volition without the whole forceful-angry-lady-raping-me thing before I attempt some suicide later on down the road and actually maybe PULL IT OFF FOR ONCE, so perhaps you can help me out here (haha not with suicide, with wooing the LADIES). Okay here's the deal, the only thing i've got going for me is that I own a house. Like seriously, it's mine and there's no mortgage payments forever, only an electric bill and lawn to mow. And it's a nice house too, not at all a trailer! Anyway here's my question: is there any way at all in your infinite knowledge that I can exploit this homeownership in order to "get with a lady," because i'm telling you at this point i've got absolutely nothing else going for me. NOTHING.

kahljorn · #7

Mail-order bride?

You could always get with oneof those poor homeless girls who just wants to use you for a place to sleep and free food.

CaptainBubba · #8

Magreaux there is actually one way to use your home-ownership to get a female to let you enter her, and as far as I know only one way. Here is what you have to do and you'll be so pleased to hear just how easy it is!

Form a covenant with the dark lord Satan and offer him your house as a brooding den for the drooling minions of hell which will rise forth from the pools of filth that will fill every inch of your floor wall and ceiling. As the vile monstrosities tear through the walls dripping with menstrual blood so dark that it blots out all light, go to a bar and find a fat ugly woman and have sex with her in a taxi.

Magreaux · #9

Unless mail-order brides have gotten way cheaper in the last few years, I don't think i can afford one. Thanks for the input though (that homeless girl idea might work later on, MAYBE). However for the time being I can definitely afford a Satanic covenant and taxi fare! CaptainBubba, you have my gratitude.

MisSFiT · #10

I really want to be a slut, but I have way too much self respect.

Any suggestions?

Chojin · #11

4chan.org

Grislygus · #12

A crazy middle-aged woman with a rolling backpack is stalking me.

Solutions, now.

Rongi · #13

CaptainBubba, quick question.

Jenna Haze or Riley Mason?

Perndog · #14

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisSFiT

I really want to be a slut, but I have way too much self respect.

Any suggestions?

BOOZE

(this post is now longer than six characters)

CaptainBubba · #15

Misfit, chojin's answer is the correct one.

Grislygus, begin carrying around your own rolling backpack and when you notice her stalking you again gingerly reach into your own backpack and remove a sign that says "fuck off", make sure she sees it, then remove another sign that says "not you the lady behind you", and when she turns around position yourself directly in front of her so that when she turns around you can stare into her soul and whisper "I decide who lives or dies".

Rongi, they are both two of my favorites actually, especially Jenna in the Flesh Hunters series of films. They've been a favorite since I was 14. Riley on the other hand is simply much cuter , has better tits, a better ass, and less 10-year-old screams. Riley is the winner in the cute porn actress competition because jenna just kinda strikes me as a hoochie whereas I still have that spark of suprise when 1 minute into the film I see Riley go down on some dude. Good question though.

MockMeAmadeus · #16

Pretty soon you are going to bitch-slap yourself 15 years into the future. I think. :slap

MockMeAmadeus · #17

Awww. Don't let it get to you. I'm just trying to mock.

Chojin · #18

I love you, bubba.

Any suggestions?

CaptainBubba · #19

Begin a downward spiral of drinking and one-night stands and call me about every 3 and a half weeks to explain that I'm the only one who ever really understood you. Get really quiet for about 30 seconds on the phone then start crying and claim you are afraid you are going to hurt yourself and say that I am the only one who makes you feel safe then ask me to come to your place and when I do shamelessly expose yourself, all the while demonstrating how you are fully shaved, and offer to blow me if I watch the series finale of "Friends" with you, but I'll say no and you'll just puke and pass out anyway because you've been drinking all night. In the morning pretend it never happened and eat a micorwavable TGIFridays potoato skins appetizer for breakfast and wonder why the "Friends" cd is missing.