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Mockery Mockery is offline
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Old Jun 2nd, 2006, 11:28 AM        TALES FROM THE LONGBOX: All Suck Batman & Robin!
Holy shitballs, you're not gonna believe what they've been doing in the latest Batman comic book series. Protoclown gives us an in-depth look at the utter lunacy that is contained within their pages. Check it out:


"TALES FROM THE LONGBOX: All Suck Batman and Robin!" -by Protoclown
http://www.i-mockery.com/comics/longbox7


Enjoy!
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Emu Emu is offline
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Old Jun 2nd, 2006, 01:01 PM       
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Johnny Couth Johnny Couth is offline
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Old Jun 2nd, 2006, 02:57 PM       
Batman is a dick.
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Old Jun 2nd, 2006, 09:56 PM       
Who the Hell do you think I am?
I'm the goddamn Batman.
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Girl Drink Drunk Girl Drink Drunk is offline
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Old Jun 2nd, 2006, 10:48 PM       
hahaha. I got that first issue less than a year ago and ive never realized just how bad it was. That's too bad, being written by a great writer.
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 01:32 AM       
i know i dont comment on much, but i do read it. and that was fantastic. :D
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camacazio camacazio is offline
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 02:42 PM       
When is protoclown going to write his own comic book for us?
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 03:13 PM       
I have loved Superman since I was 2 years old and I think what they've done to him recently sucks. Forgetting about how much his comics have sucked since he turned into PlasMan (my name for the energy/plasma dealy he turned into) then split into Red Superman and Blue Superman (aptly played by Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman, respectively), he has...

*Been given subpar powers in the Justice League cartoon, to where now he can be knocked across a city block by a boulder thrown by a character of less strength.

*Been marketed to the point where his symbol has truly no meaning besides a fashion label.

*Lost all relevance in the Infinite Crisis crapfest, but then again every superhero has.

*Turned into a whiny angsty brat on Smallville.

*Been the subject of a Five for Fighting song. *shudder*

*Gotten drunk, thought he really WAS Superman, and jumped out a window, or at least in the urban legends.

*Fallen off a horse, been paralyzed and died, and is remembered as a hero for that and not for the Super things he did. Why is he a hero? Because he's disabled!

*Become a lame bit part actor and host of Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

*Become a victim of computer doctoring to make his schlong bulge smaller in the new movie - if anything Superman should have the biggest dingaling thanks to his Kryptonian greatness.

*Not been the subject of anything like "I'm the goddamned Batman" or "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch".

And now this:



Is there no respect for the Man of Steel? Are his glory days finally over? Frank Miller's treatment of Superman in this series is the final insult. Now not only does Superman not fly (probably done for historical reasons, but still, why?), he has no sense of time, he reads the paper that HE WRITES FOR and gets surprised, he gets angry at milk, he burns the paper with his heat vision and breaks his glasses in the process, and can't even get out of the way of a stupid boat. Kal-El is smarter than that. I really hope they retcon his story into something awesome again, or else I'll have to re-read all of my golden age comics AGAIN. That is, if I can find all the pages again and re-staple them. There goes the millions of dollars I dreamed of as a child...

At least Lois Lane is now a desperate housewife. Or at least one of them is, the other's still insane.
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Ninjavenom Ninjavenom is offline
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 05:35 PM       
No one respects him because he sucks. He has too many powers. That's only cool in a villain, such as Galactus or Thanos.

I love you, Proto. I wonder, however, if Frank made it intentionally bad just to fuck with everyone? That would be awesome.
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Emu Emu is offline
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 06:00 PM       
I don't think he did. I mean, really, this Batman isn't that much different from the feel of Sin City, at least in terms of Batman's attitude.
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Dr. Boogie Dr. Boogie is offline
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 06:14 PM       
His Battitude!

Well I thought the whole thing was hilarious, seeing all these old favorites completely redone, but then again, I don't have any attachment to the characters.

Also, Superman is lame. Not Aquaman lame, but still lame.
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Girl Drink Drunk Girl Drink Drunk is offline
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Old Jun 3rd, 2006, 11:07 PM       
I think Jim Lee shoulda just worked on of the three X-Men titles, like in the good ol' days, before Andy Kubert ruined the artwork.
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 02:40 AM       
hey i dindt know if you remembered the last time i said i stopped reading this stuff, but recently i've been wanting an update on the world of writers and what they were up to, so i'd ask people.

all of it was negative, frightening, retarded, or just massively disappointing.
apparently spiderman is so incredibly... fucked up.
like, i dont even want to be reminded.

but the rub here is that i've asked around quite a bit and all those times the guy who described just how awful the books were failed to impress upon me that the same guy was credible. he'd usually come off looking as bad as the book because the details he'd choose to point out was just as allegedly lame as the comic... what would happen in the comics would be awful, no doubt, but... the people describing this to me seemed sexually aroused by the magnitude of their own contempt.

i'm not saying your speil has really gone this far, but it was probably just as badly written as the batman book was.

they keep repeating his age. obviously deliberate, probably meant to impress how emotionally fucked up his life is about to get. and yeah, it fails, but it's not disastrous. that last line could sum up how i feel about this whole article, actually.
all these desicions failed in some capacity, but you just laugh too fucking hard at it so that i think it's really not so bad when placed in the actual story.
wayne's been actually watching a trapeze artist, cops hit a woman justt o show how corrupt they are, batman tells the kid he's in a friggin war. batman's a rude, vain, and petulant guy... this all sounds like a direction that just isn't liked, or sometimes just escapes credibility, not really as hilariously disastrous.

if "i'm the goddamn batman" has been such a rousing catcall, that's actually really sad of you guys. it's cheesy, but it's kinda funny. maybe. i dont know how you guys really reacted to the true dreck that was the star wars prequel dialogue, but i imagine it borders on manic violence if this minor incident actually gets you going.

"that's queer"
"shut up"
wayne named his car the batmobile. the kid's twelve (in case we forgot), that sounds like a genuine reaction from a snot like him. and again, it's kinda funny.

the milk carton/time problems
so what so what so what SO WHAT. just say you got cheated out of a few dollars by dragging it out so much. gleefully poking at it as if it were a major flaw just sounds so obtuse and anal.

dialogue/time inconsistency.
i bet you're not a chris claremont guy.

i petered out near the superman bit, because you lost me by then. all i kept thinking was "who friggin cares."
it just struck me that all the derision was completly out of proportion to the bad quality of the book, and how you decided to point that out was frustrating and inane.
and i was all ready to laugh with you too.



dont hate me. i liked your other aticle
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 03:15 AM       
Frank Miller may be a genius, but even they have their lowpoints The issue of Spawn was surprisingly lame, but the Spawn Vs. Batman comic was well done. After all, he did write Robocop 2 and 3. I guess taking TOO much of a spin on things tends to make people nauseous.
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 10:46 AM       
what possessed him to remind us of the kids age every time somebody speaks?
I always recalled batman as a more nice-guy than making a kid eat rats.
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 10:55 AM       
when frank miller refers to kids in his books he always says ages like in sin city "i gotta save nancy callahan age eleven"
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 11:27 AM       
Oh my Gawd...

What has Frank Miller been smoking?
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 11:29 AM       


Great one
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 12:49 PM       
I heard that one idiot made batman look really queer once, like all blue and shit and going around in daylight instead of black and brooding at night. I think that asshole's name was bob kane.
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 03:09 PM       
That was a great read.

I honestly think Miller is just being weird for weirdness sake. I mean, this review has me curious to read the whole book to see if it's really that off, and I haven't read a comic in years.
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master_d_68 master_d_68 is offline
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 03:30 PM       
Batman never was stable, exactly. I have noticed the annoying trait Frank Miller has in constantly reminiding us of a character's age, but being noir-influenced, I can see where he gets it.
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Old Jun 4th, 2006, 04:49 PM       
Wow, I really never really had much interest in comics, outside of occassionally reading my dad's collection, but that really looks like a fucking ape-shit crazy series that I am going to have to try and check out.
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Zbu Manowar Zbu Manowar is offline
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Old Jun 5th, 2006, 12:20 PM       
Protoclown rocks. I love reading these Tales from the Longbox columns because they're so damn funny. Of course, nothing is funnier than seeing Batman turned into some crazed lunatic who lusts after boys AGE TWELVE. Good sweet zombie Jesus.

Are comics this openly pathetic nowadays? Is this common? I'm too scared to look, but whenever I feel the urge to get back into it I grab an issue, flip through it, and.....the glory days of the medium are essentially over now. When the so-called geniuses of the medium are putting out shit like this, then it's hard to see how this can be saved.

And when the hell did Batman call anybody retarded? Funny, but it's so out of character that it's like Miller just drank some bleach before sitting down with his crayon and shooting that out. Fucking hell.
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Old Jun 5th, 2006, 12:53 PM       
Good job Proto.

I also am loving this run. It's like bad Star Trek, every bit as good as good Star Trek and sometimes better. Sure "City on the edge of forever" rocks, but "Spocks Brain" still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

I don't object to everything you did (I actually liked "That is so queer" "Shut up".) and I think it's one of the moments that shows some of what Miller meant to do in ths comic and has failed at so memorably.

This is a very messed up Batman, and not just in the ways you'd think of immediately. A man who's spent his whole life in training and masquerading is socially retarded. He wants to appeal to Robin and everything he does is ridiculous and awkward. Up close, the 'Batman' charade doesn't work, he doesn't have it down yet.

I've always thought that writing Batman and dealing directly with the fact that he's a nutjob is fun. I just think Miller is really screwing up. The sad mesage here, is that like any other type of writing, almost nobody writes well forever. Almost all good writers have a period of good work, and then, sadly, a lot of mediocre work to keep paying the bills.

Not me, though. I'm always awesome.

You too Proto.
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Old Jun 5th, 2006, 06:18 PM       
stephen king's latest is awesome......floaty cell people....

infinite crisis reminded me why i don't buy comics that much......it bored the SHIT out of me. I really only bought it after Burbank's take on it, and for what?......

byorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdommmmmmmmmm.....
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