now i am going to tell you the second funniest thing i have ever seen:
it is a week before Christmas in 2007. i am meeting nancy and her boyfriend at the mall to pick up the kids. at this point i have still never met the guy. he has stolen my wife (good job too, i was glad she was gone), and buried my dog. he was justifiably afraid of me and demanded a public meeting place, hence the mall. i look down on myself and realize there is blood all over my shirt. I HAVE TO GO TO OLD NAVY AND BUY A NEW SHIRT
i have blood on me because i am working part time as a bartender/bouncer at a local biker bar, and i had to stop two dudes in ass less chaps from fucking the whole place up. one of them bleeds all over me. i put the old navy shirt over the bloody shirt and the blood immediately soaks through. sigh.
now i look as crazy as i feel, and it is all because of bubba. now this may seem like the funny part, and it is pretty great, but it is just setting the mood.
NANCY'S TRAILER BURNED THE FUCK DOWN
i had a daydream about it. pure clear dream. i knew it happened. and when i got off work and turned on my cell phone, it immediately rang. Nancy.
"You killed my dog." is how i answered. and i hung up. i went on to work at the bar.
it was a slow night and i was trying to close early. a big tub of redneck lard shambles into the bar, and makes it clear he wants to stay. he starts asking me if there are any places with female bartenders open. how the fuck should i know? i ignore him and he tells me a story
Once not so long ago, him and his buddies used to go to a bar and when the place closed and the bartender, a girl named nacy (knda fat, brown hair), would let him and his buddies fuck her. one time they forgot condoms (thank god she made them use them) and she wrapped their dicks in saran wrap and took it in the ass and mouth... (eww..)
i went home to my parents house, watched fiddler on the roof with the girls, made fun of the movie, and when the girls went to bed i went to the living room. i put my head in my mothers lap and cried for the last time over nancy. i was so fucking glad to be rid of her.
so with this in mind, looking a hot mess, and strung out from constant driving and a lot of energy drinks i was sitting and waiting for nancy and dipshit to finish whatever they were doing with my son and i was hating god a little more than usual. and then god sent me a miracle.
this douche bag comes running in with about a dozen Pomeranian on a big dog walker. since one of our favorite family activities is to make fun of the rest of the world, and this guy looked like as smug as the winner of the biggest cock contest at Slutty Whore Beach. and he was whisking his dogs off to get portraits at the mother fucking Sears portrait studio. so i hit my daughter in the arm.
and just as she looks one of the gaggle of dogs lays a huge piece of pipe on the floor, about ten feet from the entrance to the food court in a busy mall. and king cock just keeps cruising. we laugh at the whole scene.
and at once we both realize that there is a turd lurkiing at the entrance of a busy mall. anyone can step on it. we just have to wait for it to go down. there are MANY close calls. some so close it is astounding that it has not gone down yet. and then comes the kid.
ever meet a kid who did need ADD medicine? this kid was that kid on crack, his mother told him to shut up well over twenty times in the short period of time we shared together. watching him dance. over the turd.
he jumped over the turd. he marched over the turd. he was mr. goddamn bojangles and he danced over poo in worn out velcro shoes. and he had no idea the turd was there. and missed stepping on it by a margin of cunt hair well over three hundred times in the ten minutes we watched him. there were well over a thousand near misses that were more hope than anything. this kid did not stop moving until his mom spock pinched him and he fell to his knees right over the turd.
from the angle i had it looked like a little brown boner. my daughter and i laughed so hard. we still talk about this at least once a week. the mother drug the kid off, the turd was intact, and we could not handle any more.
what happened to the turd i dont know. if you want i will tell you a story about the cleaning crew for that mall at another time that is also a very funny tale on it's own. remind me if you like.
and that is how god apologized to me for killing my dog. very appropriate.
next is the funniest thing i ever saw, i hope you enjoyed this one