Halloween is nearly upon us, and so it is time that we all started thinking about costumes. Any jackass can go as a gangster or a naughty nurse, but Halloween is when you’re supposed to concoct a really great costume idea and wow your friends and neighbors as you go door to door making vague threats for candy. Luckily for you droogs, I’ve come up with an oft-overlooked idea for some winning costumes. And best of all, they should be fairly easy to make yourself.

The source for these spiffy ideas comes from a certain video game. Nowadays, it seems like anyone who would ever think of parading around dressed as a character from a video game would be a dork carrying several tons of weapons-grade nerdium. I assure you, however, that if you go with these ideas, people won’t think you are a loser, but rather a genius of the highest caliber… of self-made Halloween costumes.

The game in question is a wonderful little gem made during the 16-bit era called Boogerman. It tells a tale rife with vengeance, pollution, and bodily fluids. As the title character, you belch, fart, spit, and fling snot at a variety of equally colorful villains. This Halloween, you have the opportunity to dazzle the costumed community by dressing up as a character from this delightful game:

Boogerman

The most obvious choice would be to go as the hero. In that case, all you’d need to make the costume are some green spandex, brown gloves and shoes, a red cape, and a black mask. The five o’clock shadow might take a day or two for you to whip up, but if you’re not particularly patient, you can just grab some cheap five o’clock shadow makeup from one of those seasonal Halloween stores.

Hickboy

Some tattered overalls and a red shirt will put you well on your way to looking like the hillbilly villain, Hickboy. To complete the look, you can pick up some fake crooked teeth, and you can sew a red “H” on the overalls a la The Scarlet Letter, only without the scorn of the puritan community. Lousy bonnet-wearing, musket-toting, Columbus-lovers. Anyway, the final touch is the chicken. No mere rubber chicken will suffice. You could go get a convincing stuff animal chicken (Stuffed chicken? No, that sounds edible), but it would probably be cheaper to just grab a real one. Your best bet is to shop around for the farm with the least attentive rooster and snag a chicken while the rooster is busy mocking the weathervane, as roosters often do.

Revolta

If you’ve ever gone as Supergirl (or Superwoman, if you want to be PC) for Halloween, you can just take the old costume and spraypaint the blue parts red, and the red cape yellow. Next you’ll need to attach a yellow “V”, which is sort of like The Scarlet Letter, only this is more of a Marigold Letter. It may not have been as bad, but I don’t know for sure; I only read the Cliff’s Notes. You’ll also need a yellow girdle, which I imagine will be quite uncomfortable, but if you want to look really good for Halloween, you need to make some sacrifices. For your extremities, you’ll need some yellow dishwashing gloves and matching flippers. The veil can be produced with little more than one or two pieces of tissue paper. Last but not least, your hair will need a good amount of mousse to retain that look, so I suggest you grab a Bride of Frankenstein wig and spraypaint it red.

Flyboy

A generic Superman costume with the shorts painted green will do for the body. Make sure there’s enough of that paint left over to cover some gloves and a pair of go-go boots. For the headgear, you’ll need an old-fashion aviator’s cap (goggles optional) and a small butterfly net to go on top. For the wings, just grab one of those fairy costumes that manufacturers are always trying to push on little girls. If you wind up with one that had a bunch of glitter all over it, douse it with grey paint. Or don’t, and you can go as a more flamboyant Flyboy.

Deodor-Ant

This one will require some time and effort. The costume itself isn’t too hard. Red shirt, cap and tights, grey gloves and briefs, a deelybopper hat, and a grey mask will take care of that portion of the overall look. The hard part, however, is the physical training you’ll have to endure. You’ll need to adopt a sort of reverse Atkins diet, wherein you eat nothing but carbs, supplemented with chocolate and anything that can be deep fried. By the time Halloween rolls around, you should be in perfect shape to really pull off this costume, and there will be no doubt in anyone’s mind who you are supposed to be.

Booger Meister

This costume will take even more time and effort than the Deodor-Ant costume. Some clown shoes, oversized gloves, and another one of those giant cloth letters will combine with an appropriately-painted wetsuit and Speedo to take care of the below-the-neck portion. For the head, just take a gorilla mask, an oversized nose, and some coat hangers with papier-mâché draped over them, and spray the whole thing green. If the gorilla mask has insufficient teeth, you may have to steal a set of those giant plastic teeth they have at the dentist’s office for display purposes. Easy enough.

And there you have it, my friends. I’ve bestowed upon you something that is both a gift and a curse. On the one hand, it’s great to have a bunch of nifty ideas for Halloween costumes, but on the other hand, you now have no excuse for going as something lame like a serial killer (Yeah, I know, they look just like everybody else. We all know you just forgot to get a costume, you ass). If despite your best efforts, people are still confused about who or what you’re depicting with your costume, just drop a little scatological humor on them. That should erase all doubt as to which mid-90s video game character you represent. If not, then you must’ve done a crappy job on your costume, in which case I will disavow any knowledge of this whole affair. For shame!

Dr. Boogie