by: Dr. Boogie

First off, when I say "The Omen", I'm not referring to the godawful 2006 remake. I'm referring to the original 1976 film, which reportedly went by the working title, "The Adventures of the Antichrist and the World's Most Oblivious Parents." In the film, Gregory Peck plays Robert Thorn, an ambassador who learns that the son he secretly adopted after his biological son died at birth is the antichrist. At least, that's ostensibly what the movie is about.

As you watch, however, you'll realize that the real story is that Robert and his wife are the dumbest couple on the face of the earth. Whenever something ominous happens with their son, Damien, they quickly write it off as nothing at all. They think nothing of him having a psychotic episode on the way to church, and they certainly have nothing to say about the swell of choir music that kicks in whenever their son is about. Neither do they have any qualms with hiring a mysterious and transparently-evil woman to serve as Damien's nanny. The message of the film is quite simple: bad parenting equals Armageddon.

There are a few really memorable moments in the film, including one in which a woman is severely injured after falling almost seven feet, but for my money, the best involves horror icon and all-around intimidating British person, David Warner.

Warner plays a photographer named Keith Jennings. After yet another acquaintance of Robert's dies mysteriously, Jennings starts to put the pieces together. In fact, he does pretty much all the investigation, stopping just long enough to explain the situation to the perpetually slow-witted Robert. Why is he doing all this? In the course of photographing several people around Robert, Jennings noticed that strange marks were appearing on the film near those people who died. And the most recent marked person has Jennings a little worried:

Now Jennings has a personal stake in figuring out just how much of an antichrist Damien really is.

He and Robert set out on a globetrotting trek to discover the truth. The search eventually leads them to a man in Megiddo who knows exactly how to deal with Damien: with a bundle of knives.

It has taken a long, long time for Robert to fully grasp that his son is indeed the antichrist. It took the deaths of several people he knew to convince him, but he finally comes around to the idea. When he learns that he must kill the boy himself by stabbing him seven times, though, it's back to square one. In spite of the absolutely overwhelming evidence, Robert is still not convinced that Damien really is the worst kid ever. He chucks his collection of antichrist killing knives away. Jennings is much more aware of the stakes, and so he goes to collect the knives.

Uphill from where Jennings is gathering the knives is a truck. The driver hops out and puts the parking brake on, but you know how unreliable those Jerusalem-made cars are.

The truck starts rolling downhill and ironically, Keith is so absorbed in thinking about how to prevent his own death that he doesn't notice the truck speeding toward him. Luckily, the truck hits a small embankment and stops just short of running him over. Unfortunately, the company that made that faulty parking brake was also the same company that made the clamps holding the plate of glass in the truck bed.

You see, folks, this is why you are required by law to turn your wheels away from the curb when you park uphill!

Anyway, seeing his friend get decapitated is the last straw. Robert gathers up the knives and heads back to London to finally put this whole antichrist thing to rest. Does he succeed? Well, let me put it this way: there were three sequels to the original Omen, and they don't feature a new antichrist each time.

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