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by
Roger Barr |
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When it comes
to American Presidents, Calvin Coolidge was by far the most
succinct speaker of them all. A young woman once said bet she
could get at least three words of conversation from him. Without
looking at her he quietly retorted, "You lose."
On one
afternoon, Coolidge was enjoying his lunch at an upscale
restaurant when the waiter handed him his check. Coolidge looked
at the check, tore it to shreds and proclaimed, "You lose." On
another occasion, he was challenged by an enemy to a duel at dawn
with pistols. Coolidge shot the man on the spot and said, "You
lose."
In fact,
nobody ever recalls hearing him say anything other than the
phrase, "You lose." His family was not without a sense of humor,
however; on his epitaph are the words "He lost." |
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While many
people think Herbert Hoover was the guy who started the
world famous Hoover vacuum cleaner company, it simply isn't true.
He was,
however, the author of a guide for lovers eager to be more
proficient in bed, entitled, "Hoover's Maneuvers". It became the
second best-selling sexual technique guide in the world, outsold
only by the Kama Sutra. |
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"The only
thing we have to fear is fear itself." These famous words by
Franklin D. Roosevelt struck a chord in the hearts of the
American people. He later made an addendum to this famous phrase,
changing it to: "The only thing we have to fear is fear
itself... and killer bees!" For some unknown reason, Roosevelt
became paralyzed with fear at the mere mention of killer bees.
Already wearing a beekeepers protective uniform 24/7, he had a
giant net draped over the White House and refused to leave the
premises due to his immense trepidations. This marks the first and
only time that the secret service men were armed with cans of bug
spray instead of hand guns.
When the
Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941, Roosevelt refused to
believe that killer bees weren't somehow involved in the
destruction. By 1945, his fears got the best of him, as he died of
a heart attack in his sleep while supposedly having a nightmare.
Those who were closest to him claim that while he was sleeping he
mumbled something along the lines of, "Get them off me! They're
stinging me to death!" just before he passed away. |
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Harry S. Truman
will always be remembered as the President who dropped the atomic
bomb on Japan in response to their attacks on Pearl Harbor. In
retrospect, he believed that he may have used too much force, and
was overwhelmed with guilt.
Soon after,
Truman ordered that "glitter and sprinkles" be dropped on Japan.
He hoped it would restore peace and happiness to the people who he
had just bombed the ever-living crap out of. All the people of
Japan then "flipped the birdie" to Truman in perfect unison. |
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While the
slogan "I like Ike" was extremely popular, helping
Dwight D. Eisenhower win his bid for Presidential election
easily, his team went through quite a few other rhyming
catchphrases?all of which failed miserably for obvious reasons.
Here's a brief sampling of the failed slogans:
- I'M
NOT GONNA VOTE FOR IKE... SYKE!
- IKE
CAN RIDE A BIKE! YOU LIKE?
- LET'S
PLAY VOLLEYBALL WITH IKE! HE CAN SPIKE!
- WANT
YOUR EMPLOYEES TO END THEIR STRIKE? VOTE FOR IKE!
- IKE
GOES FISHING FOR PIKE!
- WANNA
GO FOR A HIKE? HIKE WITH IKE!
- IKE:
NOT A MEMBER OF THE THIRD REICH!
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John F. Kennedy
was the youngest man ever elected President, and it seemed that
his popularity would only continue to grow. Sadly, tragedy befell
him when stealthy terrorists snuck into his bedroom one night and
installed a bomb inside his skull while he was sleeping. The very
next day, while making a public appearance with his motorcade in
Dallas, his head exploded to the shock of millions around the
world. |
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By day, he was
Lyndon B. Johnson, President of the United States of
America. By night, he was Lynda B. Mine ? a transvestite
1-900 number operator. Little did people know, that for only $2.95
a minute, they could have a steamy discussion with the President.
Rumor has it that he/she was damned good at the job too. |
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Richard Nixon
believed he was about to be impeached due to the Watergate
scandal, so he resigned and quickly turned to a life of crime. He
wasn't seen again until 1991 when he and some of the other
ex-presidents started a bank robbing crime spree. Sadly, he was
killed by Keanu Reeves, an undercover FBI agent posing as a surfer
named Johnny Utah. |
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"We...declared
our independence 200 years ago, and we are not about to lose it
now to paper shufflers and computers," is what Gerald Ford
once said to his fellow Americans. Since then, roughly 50% of
Americans have worked a 9-5 computer job in a cubicle, shuffling
papers and doing mindless data entry projects, all while praying
for the sweet release of death?and they all hate Gerald because
it's his fault. |
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After his
Presidency was over, Jimmy Carter founded the Carter Center
in 1982. "Creating a world in which every man, woman, and child
has the opportunity to enjoy good health and live in peace,"
was the goal of this center. It was received well and has helped
thousands of people in the world.
In 1992, he
also founded the Jimmy Center. "Creating a world in which no
lock is impenetrable," was the goal of this center. Sure
enough, more locks have been opened without a key than ever
before, since the creation of this center. Ironically, the Carter
Center was closed soon after a student from the Jimmy Center broke
into it and stole all their funds. |
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Ronald Reagan
was a popular President, but he was also known for his acting
career. In the movie "Bedtime for Bonzo", Reagan played Professor
Peter Boyd and tried to teach human morality to a chimp. While the
movie was nothing more than Hollywood fluff, Reagan just couldn't
stand all the attention his co-star Bonzo the chimp was getting.
Upon finding out that he was only making 25% of what Bonzo was
receiving for being in the film, Reagan turned to alcoholism and
drugs. In perhaps what was the lowest moment of his acting career,
Reagan began hurling feces at everyone on the set while shouting,
"Look at me! I can be a goddamned monkey too, just like your
precious little Bonzo! Now will you pay me more???" While the
feces-throwing fiasco was obviously never aired in theatres, rumor
has it that it will be included in the upcoming "Bedtime for Bonzo:
Extended Edition" DVD set. |
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We all
tried to "read the lips" of George Bush, but
unfortunately his lips were just too small. Had he the gargantuan
moose lips of Angelina Jolie, then we might've known that he was
really talking out of his ass, since he could've printed on them
with a much larger font. |
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William Clinton
declared, "the era of big government is over," and instead
chose to begin, "the era of big breasts." Sure enough, in
the 90's, boob jobs became as American as apple pie, and Bill
couldn't be happier. |
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George W. Bush
pumped Jose Canseco and the rest of his Texas Rangers team with
more steroids than you could swing a baseball bat at. What most
people didn't realize is that this wasn't to get them prepared to
win a world championship, it was to have the Rangers prepared to
go into Iraq and fight the terrorists* with the mighty swing of
their bats. He rewarded each team member with vials cocaine from
his own private stash for every terrorist they knocked out of the
park. |
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*innocent civilians |
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