by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the sewers on the other end of town, George Cooper and Murphy (a freelance reporter who is trying to get a "big story") are looking around in the sewers for evidence. Well, their detective work was a little too good, because they find a C.H.U.D. which once again, grabs Murphy by the throat and then shows off those pearly whites...

REMEMBER KIDS! FLOSS DAILY!

George wisely hightails it outta there, but elsewhere in the sewers, the Reverend is still trying to find an alternate exit. Instead, he finds what I can only assume is the main den of the C.H.U.D. They appear to be worshipping a large puddle of vomit, or it could just be really old soggy cabbage. Either way, they're not too happy when they hear the Reverend accidentally kick over a few rocks, disturbing their cabbage worship.

AROOOOOOO?

The Reverend runs outta there as fast as he possibly can, dropping his Geiger counter in the process. Well, I guess since he has monsters chasing him it's not gonna come in that handy anymore. I mean, he KNOWS they're in the room, you don't need a stupid machine to tell ya that.

Well I'll be damned! It really works!

Back in George's apartment, his girlfriend Lauren wanders down into the basement just because she saw a door to it and felt the urge to "check it out"(?). What she finds is a cute little dead puppy hanging from its neck. Awww. So in case you were wondering, here's how the C.H.U.D. deal with different earthly creatures so far:

• Human Adults: Kill/Maim/Eat/Dissolve/Brutalize/Etc.

• Human Children: Leave them mentally scarred for life.

• Puppies: Hang the little critters.

There might not be any real logic behind the C.H.U.D., but you gotta admit, when it comes to fucking up lives... they get the job done one way or another. And speaking of which, it's time to fuck up the life of Captain Bosch.

Some guy reported seeing something dead in the water. What he didn't say is that it was Bosch's wife! Man, she was quite a looker. Bosch must have had a big heart... what with marrying a gal who had no body 'n all. Sorry Bosch, tough break. Keep your chin up pal, for there's C.H.U.D. to battle! Anyway, back to Cooper's apartment.

With no gore in the movie, you'd think there would at least be some cleavage right? Wrong. Nontheless, once Lauren starts to get undressed, the C.H.U.D. start coming up from the basement. And here we learn another important horror flick lesson...

Monsters always come for the nude.

She hops in the shower and the drain quickly becomes clogged. Perhaps she finally popped that big zit on her ass and the puss clogged up the drain? Well I'm happy to report she didn't... for even I couldn't stomach a scene that utterly horrific. She pokes around in there with a coathanger and apparently she jabs a C.H.U.D. with it! How the giant C.H.U.D. creatures can fit in a tiny drain pipe will forever baffle me. Nonetheless, it spurts out a ton of blood all over the place. And it is as this point which I feel the film's most horrifying moment is shown to the viewer. Behold!

By all means, take a break if you need to. Go for a walk... collect yourself. Seeing a bloody bar of soap isn't easy to stomach. Calm down... it's gonna be OK.

...

Ok, do ya feel better now? Good. Don't feel too bad. After all, they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... right? Perhaps not. Anyway, let's move onward to another C.H.U.D. star cameo!

WHOAH! IT'S JOHN GOODMAN!

Yep, John Goodman and his buddy cop walk into the local diner to get some burgers and hit on the waitress. He did this movie right after he did Revenge of the Nerds. To this day I still can't decide if that was a step up or down in his career. Unfortunately, all we get to see is Goodman flirting with the waitress for a few seconds before the diner gets overrun with more of those pesky C.H.U.D. They could have at least shown him duking it out with a C.H.U.D., but no. What happens next? You know the routine...

C.H.U.D. ATTACK. EVERYBODY DIES.

As you can see, the diner is torn to shreds... but once again, they never show any of the actual massacre. All we ever see is a glimpse of the bloody aftermath. Bastards! Well, at least now there's no way in hell Wilson and his corrupt company can cover-up the truth about the C.H.U.D. any longer. But we'll get back to Wilson and his evil plans shortly. First we have to return to Cooper's apartment one more time.

NINJA GIRL vs. C.H.U.D.

After being bathed in blood in her own shower, Lauren does her best to barricade herself inside the apartment. But a desk and a door isn't enough to stop the almighty C.H.U.D.! So, she picks up a nearby sword (don't ask) and creeps down like a ninja waiting to pounce on her prey. Now this is where things make even less sense. The C.H.U.D. walks in and sees her with the sword, but instead of attacking her, it forces it's neck to stretch out really high making it easier for her to decapitate it. Why they didn't just have it hold up a sign that said "SLASH YOUR SWORD RIGHT HERE!" is beyond me. Since it apparently wants her to chop off its head, she slices away and we finally get to see some C.H.U.D. BLOOD!

Mmmm slimy!

It gurgles. It bubbles. It crackles. It's C.H.U.D. BLOOD!

But it's still hungry! Hungry for ankle! C.H.U.D. LOVE ANKLE! Sadly, she boots the hungry severed head into the corner, and his flashlight eyes slowly burn out. I swear, this is the one moment in the movie that almost made me cry. Almost...

Ok I did cry.

Back outside at the scene of the diner massacre, Bosch and Wilson get into an argument about the cover-up. We now learn that C.H.U.D. also stands for "Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal". I dunno, somehow I don't think the movie would be as infamous if they used that for the title. So... Bosch punches Wilson and then runs off to uncover the manhole that is blocking the Reverend and Cooper (who magically ran into each other in the sewers). Bosch frees them, but then Wilson comes back and guns him down. Oh well, you were a trooper Bosch. By the way, someone spilled ketchup on your shirt. Actually I'm not even sure if he really dies or not, the ending is kinda hazy on the details there.

Next, Wilson then tries to run down the rest of the survivors with a truck, but the Reverend is here to save the day! He picks up a gun and shoots Wilson straight through the chest! Way to go Rev! It's good to see Daniel Stern kicking some ass. But then they decide that a gunshot through the chest wasn't enough.

So what do they do?

They have the truck explode for no real reason whatsoever. Sure. Whatever.

In the long run, C.H.U.D. certainly was a movie. A movie that I watched. A movie where people aren't scared to walk the streets of New York alone in the middle of the night. A movie where homeless people turn into monsters with flashlight eyes. A movie with a bloody bar of soap. Even with all of these things in mind, there's one thing that still keeps me up at night...

The Quarter-Eating Bandit is still out there!

the end.

-RoG-

(and yes I will be reviewing "C.H.U.D. 2" at some point...
which is completely unrelated to the original C.H.U.D.)

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