by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

After a long day of romance, dancing and music (even though in real life, there'd be no music playing in the middle of the desert or at a construction site), Ice gives Kat a ride back home. Her father is there waiting for her and he's extremely upset about her hanging out with Ice. After telling Ice to leave his daughter alone, Mr. Winslow takes Kat inside and tells her about his past. Oh my god! Their real last name isn't "Winslow", it's "Hacket". He used to be a policeman, an honest guy, and ended up sending some dirty cops to jail. Then he was offered to be put in the witness protection program. Now those dirty cop thugs are back and they want money for all the years they were in jail.

He then goes on to tell her that Ice is with them, and even though Kat doesn't want to believe it, her father forbids her to see him. The next day she reluctantly tells Ice that she can't see him ever again. As expected, this weighs heavily on the heart of our friend Winkle...

We get treated to a variety of glamour shots of Ice sitting on a couch in deep thought.

Kat's little brother Tommy shows up and asks Ice to make good on his promise to take him for a bike ride. Ice being a man of his word even during times of sadness, takes the kid for a ride. I mean, he has to be a man of his word right? He says "word" all the time. During their motorcycle joyride, they drive past Rick the Dick and the kid gives him the finger. I'm starting to like this kid.

Ice drops the kid off at home, and when he goes inside, Tommy finds those two dirty cop thugs waiting for him. You knew something was up as soon as he walked in the house though, it was all dark and the smoke machines were once again running on full blast. They drag him off kicking and screaming. Oh no! Little Tommy Winslow has been kidnapped! There's only one thing to do now!

ICE FORCE ASSEMBLE!

Kat brings Ice an audio tape that the dirty cops left at her house because deep down inside, she still believes in him no matter what her father says. So the bad guys are demanding a large chunk o' change in exchange for the kid. Ice plays back the tape and recognizes a clanking sound in the background, no doubt a result of his keen sense of hearing from all those years of intense musical study. Well whaddaya know! It's the same exact sound he heard being made when they were fooling around at the construction site earlier on! The kidnappers must be keeping Tommy there!

Ice, Kat and the rest of the crew hop on their motorcycles and head on back over to the construction site. They look around for a while but can't seem to find Tommy anywhere, so they shrug it off and seemingly drive off into the night.

The two dirty cops start to laugh about it, as they stand in front of a large open wall. Without any sound of a loud motorcycle approaching, Ice's motorcycle comes bursting through the wall. God was that ever so predictable. And now it's time for Ice to lay down the law.

His crew takes out the shorter thug while Ice goes mono-a-mono with the big guy. The big guy gets in a few shots, but Ice doesn't have no punk-ass glass jaw. No way homeboy, Ice is a man on a mission. He then gives the big thug a rage-filled spinning backfist and it's all over for the dirty cop thugs.

They drive the criminals back into town, tied to the hood of their own car. Tommy returns to his parents and his hair is looking all disheveled. When his mom asks him if the kidnappers did that to his hair, Tommy replies, "Hell no! I did it myself!" That kid learns pretty damned fast. You've got a prodigy on your hands there Ice, continue to mentor him and one day he too can become a rappin', dancin' honkey superstar!

Mr. Winslow, having seen the error in his judgment, thanks Ice for all his help as he shakes his hand. It's basically Mr. Winslow's way of saying, "Ok, you can have my daughter now. Enjoy!"

Rick the Dick then shows up in his sports car and tells Kat that she'll never get to ride in it again. Ice laughs and rides off into the night with Kat. Then he slams on the "Hold on, I forgot somethin!

True to form, Ice turns around and speeds down the road and jumps his motorcycle straight over THATwas Cool As Ice.

Having saved the day, Ice and his homies are back up on stage dancing their asses off. Kat is in the crowd looking up at her main squeeze, rapping like a madman as always. But Ice seems to have a really close relationship with one of his dancing partner homeboys. See for yourself...

What can I say, Kat? Maybe you guys can work out a threesome.

Well, by this point you've already made it through the entire movie in one piece, but if you decide to wait through the credits there's a little surprise at the end. A personal message from Vanilla Ice himself: "b kool stay n skool." Got that kids? If you don't stay in school, you'll end up spelling all your words like that.

In closing, Cool As Ice is about as bad as movies get. More plot holes than a city has potholes, horrible acting, terrible script, cornball sound effects, etc. It stayed in theatres for a whopping 3 weeks, which in most people's opinion was 3 weeks too many. How Universal thought this would even do well in theatres is beyond me (though it would do extremely well on DVD as many people would love to watch this laugh fest, hint hint). Now while I poke fun at this movie, and Vanilla Ice is certainly an easy target for mockery, I have to say something: Ice really is a great dancer, and if he would just embrace his early 90's cheesiness instead of trying to be so "hardcore", he'd be far more successful these days. Word to your mother.

*** BONUS VIDEO! ***

CLICK HERE TO SEE VANILLA ICE JUMP A FENCE ON HIS MOTORCYCLE
AND THEN GET PUNCHED IN THE GUT!

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