Man, just
typing out Cyndi Lauper's name brings a flood of great 80's memories back
to me in an instant. With her kooky hairstyle(s) and clothes, she truly embraced what
the decade was about... kooky hairstyles and clothes. Then there were her hit songs. "Girls Just Wanna
Have Fun" made many a guy wish they could be a girl... and through
extensive surgery, some of those guys later achieved that dream. "Time
After Time" showed us how sad it can be for a gal to leave her hubby...
even if he is a bum living in a trailer park. And, "She-Bop" was an
instant classic as it had kids dancing and singing along... not knowing it
was a song about masturbation. Good times, good times...
These songs
and others proved that Cyndi Lauper was one of the most interesting
musical personas to come along in ages. Still, I can't help but feel that
one of her songs has been overlooked. Her "Goonies 'R' Good Enough" tune
is easily, in my opinion, the best song she ever created. Insanely catchy
and it was the theme song for one of the greatest movies ever, The Goonies.
Yet, when you ask most people about their favorite Cyndi Lauper song, they
don't even remember this one. Even worse, most people haven't seen the
SPECTACULAR two-part video that was created for it. An all-star cast of actors,
wrestlers, and even hibachi chefs makes this video a must-see. So kids, take your
J-Lo videos and shove 'em up your ass... cuz it's time for a look at what
REAL music videos are made of.
"HE KNOWS WHERE THE TREASURE IS!"
Her "Mom &
Pop's Gas Shop" was being forced to close, and "them cheatin' creditors"
were about to slap them with an eviction notice. Captain Lou Albano looks
at a large picture of "Great, Great Grandfather Captain One-Eyed Pegleg,
Booze-Guzzlin' Mean Lou Albano". If that isn't the greatest pirate name in
history, I don't know what is. Anyway, Lou talks to the photograph
explaining that if he only knew where his great pirate grandfather's
secret treasure was, he could pay off the creditors and save the gas
station.
FREE COOKIES WITH GAS. FREE COOKIES!!!
Yes folks,
you read correctly. "Free Cookies With Gas". As you can imagine, this
video made every future stop for gas in my life a complete let-down, for I
have NEVER received free cookies at a gas station. Next, a big limo pulls
into the station and they're all excited about getting some filthy rich
customers. The limo is extra cool, because it has the same schnazzy
lift-up doors
that you'd find on a DeLorean. But who is in the limo? Why it's Rowdy Roddy Piper,
one of the evil creditors! But there's more!
LOOK, IT'S THE IRON SHEIK!
It looks as
though he's got Cyndi's family in a camel clutch, because he's come to
personally deliver the eviction notice. That bastard sheik doesn't care
about the little guy, he just wants to expand his empire and wear
ridiculous looking boots... all at the cost of "Lazy Americans".
COOKIE!
Piper laughs
at the free baked cookies and tells Cyndi's mom, "Now why don't you go
inside and bake yourself a suitcase!" I swear I'm getting flashbacks of
"Piper's Pit" every time he makes one of these cracks.
Captain Lou
gets pissed, and soon enough him and Piper are in one of their infamous unintelligible verbal
disputes, shaking their heads ferociously. Piper tears off Captain Lou's
"smiley face" button and compares it to his own "sad face" button. He then
tosses the smiley face to the ground and stomps on it. I'm guess that the
message here is that we're witnessing a true battle of Good versus Evil.
Or maybe a true battle of hippies versus manic depressives? It's hard to
say...
MILKY MILKY MOO MOO!
As if
Captain Lou, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and the Iron Sheik weren't causing enough
of a ruckus, Nikolai Volkov (the Iron Sheik's old tag-team partner)
appears in the back of a pick-up truck, pretending to milk a fake cow and
singing the Russian national anthem. Once again, I'm sure there's a deep
message behind this somewhere, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.
But why stop there? Let's throw some more absurdities into this musical mix
of mayhem!
HIBACHI CHEFS!
From out of
nowhere, a group of hibachi chefs wheel their table in front of the free
cookies stand and begin to work their hibachi magic. Why hibachi chefs?
Your guess is as good as mine. We then get a quick
glimpse of the gas station's slogan, "You haven't had GAS until you've had
Mom & Pop's". Now, I'm not really one for buying into advertising
slogans... but considering what we've already witnessed, I'm inclined to
believe every word of this one.
Next up,
Cyndi feeds the fake cow some milk while Nikolai has his head polished by
one of the other attendants. Unfortunately, this sale isn't going to be
enough to save the station, for Captain Lou and his wife are already
packing up the place. I'm not sure, but I think I saw a few tears dripping
from his rubber bands. :(
Cyndi goes
inside to start packing up more of their things, and to her shock, she
finds a hidden cave behind the picture of "Great Great Grandfather Captain
One-Eyed Pegleg, Booze-Guzzlin' Mean Lou Albano". God, I love saying that
name. Great Great Grandfather Captain One-Eyed Pegleg, Booze-Guzzlin' Mean Lou Albano!
Ok, I'll stop. This brings up an interesting question though. Did they not
notice the cave when they originally hung the picture up in the station?
Well, when you have hibachi chefs running rampant about your station, I
suppose it's easy to overlook such things. Without any light or spelunking
gear, Cyndi bravely enters the amazingly well-lit "hidden" cave.
Back
outside, Cyndi's mom pleads with the Iron Sheik but he just laughs in her
face and proclaims, "this is my property!" Maybe if she complimented his
infamous curved-toe boots, he would have mercy on her? Nah, I doubt it,
he'd probably just kick her a few times for the hell of it.
Cut back to the cave, Cyndi comes upon a (literally) hair-raising pirate
skeleton who loves to sing. After she, and her hair, are done freaking out
for a good 30 seconds, she grabs the map from the skeleton and moves
onward.
Then all of
a sudden Cyndi runs into The Goonies. They're all standing in a cave, each
with one of the letters from "Goonies" on their shirts. Andy is not in the video for some
reason. Perhaps she took a ride up on Troy's Bucket after all eh? Stupid
slut. Well, they gave her extra letter to Chunk, who now sports both o's
in the "Goonies" name. Get it? He's fat, thus they figure he can fit 2
letters on his chest. Hilarious. No really!
Before they
have a chance to really look over their treasure maps, they are ambushed
by a green sea hag and evil pirates! But these aren't just any pirates,
it's Rowdy Roddy Piper and the gang, all dressed up in pirate gear!
Apparently,
they didn't have a big enough budget to hire some extra actors, so now
these wrestlers are playing the roles of bloodthirsty creditors and
bloodthirsty pirates. Yes, they are existing in two places at once, but
you and I will just pretend we didn't notice that, ok? So, they capture all of the Goonies, but Cyndi
escapes and runs off deeper into the cave. Of course, the Iron Sheik is
still outside having fun smacking around Captain Lou's wife with that
eviction notice. He's a class act, that sheiky one.
Being the
brilliant pirates that they are, they ask a skeleton where that wench, er...
Cyndi Lauper is. I guess it was a magic skeleton, because it was kind
enough to tilt its head in her direction. So where was she hiding?
AT THE LAST CHANCE HIBACHI GRILL!
Those crazy
Japanese chefs will do anything to reach a potential customer... this
apparently includes setting up shop deep inside a hidden cave. Hey, ya
gotta appreciate that kind of dedication.
Cyndi what?
Lopa? Oh, another stereotype. Awesome. I'm not sure what that guy said
before "Cyndi Lopa", but I'm pretty sure he's pissed that she ate some
hibachi food without paying for it. But, she's gonna pay alright... she's
gonna pay!
"Save me Steven, save me!"
As you can
see, Cyndi is trapped on the same infamous log from The Goonies where the
Fratelli brothers slipped and smashed their crotches. Quite possibly the
most memorable crotch-smash of all time. Unfortunately, there are no
crotch smashing scenes in this music video. Cyndi cries out loud begging
for Steven Spielberg to tell her how to get out of this mess. Then
Spielberg appears, mullet and all, only to tell her that he has no ideas. Judging
by his recent films, I'm not surprised.
Will Cyndi
get out of this jam or is she about to be sent to a watery grave? Well,
back in the 80's we had to wait for MTV to air part 2 of this video... but
you lucky spoiled little bastards only have to click to go to the next
page to see what happens.
