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You find an ad in the paper that reads "Heavy Metal Band for hire - we'll thrash your parties, your weddings, and your SOULS!" You call them up and they answer the phone, "METAL UP YOUR ASS DUDE!" You thank them for the kind words and schedule them to perform at your Monster Party on Halloween. They arrive at your party with flyers and demo tapes to sell but no musical equipment whatsoever. You figure that they have a crew of roadies in route to the party that will be setting up for them, so no big deal. You even help support them by buying one of their demo tapes.

"Your band is called Satanic Gopher Balls!?"

"FUCKIN' RIGHT DUDE!! OUR GOPHER BALLS ARE ON FIIIIIRE!"

You look over the demo tape and notice they've recorded quite a few heartwarming tracks.

• "Chew on this, Jesus"
• "My Rectum Burns with the Power of Gozer"
• "Take my Loins if you must, just Leave my Metal Alone"
• "Porcupine Death Fuck"

And those four songs cover the first 2 minutes of this 90-minute tape. Scary, very scary. Well, all your guests arrive, but no sign of the roadies. Then all of a sudden, the two members of Satanic Gopher Balls jump up on their self-made mini stage and scream "ARE YOU READY TO ROOOCK!?"

Your guests look baffled because, 1) there's only two of them and 2) they don't have any instruments. They immediately bust into high pitched screeches and play some "air-guitar solos". With their ears bleeding, your guests run from your house, trampling over most of your belongings... and your body too. Two hours later, Satanic Gopher Balls finish their set and then drink all the liquor in your house and then relieve themselves on you.

START OVER, UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING PISSED ON!