Higher learning indeed.

You’ve got some money left over. Why not add some class to your otherwise classless party? You’re sure that there’s an orchestra out there that will play for the $7.58 that you can offer them. Luckily, there just happens to be an orchestra in town performing at the local high school’s annual Halloween concert, and if anyone knows about a cheap orchestra, it has to be the high school.

Even though you dropped out of high school seven years ago, you still remember the exact way to get there from your house. You arrive just in time for the beginning of the Elmer High Symphony of the Night. You even manage to skirt the $2 admission charge by pretending to be a war veteran. Inside, everyone is sitting all nice and quiet-like. You break the silence by yelling for the beer man halfway through the first piece. A couple of the PTA’s bouncers come in to quiet you down. Fortunately, you see them first, and bolt out of the auditorium.

Now, not only do you need to talk to someone in the orchestra, but you also need someplace to hide from the PTA’s goons. You duck behind some tissue paper Halloween decorations and try to come up with a decent plan of action. After a couple minutes, it dawns on you: hide out in the women’s restroom until the concert is over. Oddly enough, you remember from your high school days where it is as well.

Hours pass, and you finally decide to remove yourself from the stall you’re standing in. You deftly sneak into the backstage area just in time to see the orchestra packing up. The orchestra’s conductor is standing near the doorway, so you mosey on over to her and make your pitch: You tell her that you need an orchestra to perform at your party, and that hers would do nicely. You mention that you’d be able to pay her well, fanning out the seven dollars in your hands for emphasis. She calmly rolls her eyes at you and says that you should leave. You try one more time to sway her, telling her about all the wonderful food you’ll be having at your party, when one of the orchestra members recognizes you as the jackass who ruined the first musical piece. You try to play innocent and make your way to the door, but before you can, another member of the orchestra smashes your head in with a double bassoon.

THE DOUBLE REED MEANS YOU'RE DOUBLE DEAD!

STAY IN SCHOOL, AND START OVER!