That’s it, no more fooling around. It’s time to carve this jerk into a jackass-o-lantern. You head out to your garage to gas up your chainsaw. The chain is still sharp, mainly because you only use the thing just to scare children during Halloween, or whenever the children start getting a little too cocky. To complete the look, you use some scissors and some “aged” ham from your refrigerator to make yourself a Leatherface mask. Now, time to put on a little show…

"Good thing I had some gloves. My hands tend to blister easily."

You head back into the house, with the chainsaw in one hand and the mask in the other. Once the instigator is in view, you fire up the chainsaw. A couple of the guests jump at the noise, and a few others scoff, saying that actually turning on the chainsaw was a bit over-the-top. You walk over to the man who started all the fighting, and he gives you a look of derision. He jokes about your costume, and begins to tell you to get lost, but then he sees that you mean business. You slide the mask on. He begins to get very nervous when you slowly raise the chainsaw to chest level, and begs you to reconsider. After a moment you lower the chainsaw and smile at him. He breathes a sigh of relief, but soon after he does, with a maneuver right out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, you jerk the chainsaw up and saw him in half lengthwise, starting from the crotch.

30,000 BTU's of pure doom!

Afterwards, the other fighting guests stop what they’re doing and look in your direction. You point the bloodied chainsaw at them menacingly, and they run screaming out the door. Despite your visceral method of problem solving, the other guests cheer you, and you accept their applause graciously, bowing deeply before heading into the kitchen to get a snack, as all that mutilation has made you hungry. While you try to make yourself a sandwich out of some of the Jolly Green Giant’s roughage, one of the guests comes in to compliment you, asking if you could do your Leatherface impression again. You agree, as chain sawing people seems to be the only thing that you can do right. You put the mask back on and swing the chainsaw around wildly. You get a little too into it, however, and one of your swings goes right into the wall. You curse yourself silently for being so careless, but when you try to dislodge the chainsaw, the chain cuts into the gas line leading to the stove, resulting in a fairly large explosion that fully ruins your night. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: go electric.

GET A NEW STOVE AND START OVER!