"Okay, Mr.
Smarty-pants mayor and assorted skeptical townspeople," You shout
defensively, "How's about this all then? Come on down with me to the
field where I saw the Alien Mothership land, why don't you? Unless
you're… Scared!!"
It would have been really cool had there been a huge swell of ominous
music like the one you just imagined, but this isn't a movie, it's just
your sad, disappointing life.
"Oh, we shall certainly follow you all right!" Snaps Mayor
Monocle snappishly. "But only on account of the entertainment value
of publicly humiliating you. If there's anything I love more than
feeling superior, it's pointing at a person with one hand and placing
the other over my mouth whilst I giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl."
Nonplussed, you tramp across the picturesque town square, the Mayor and
assorted townsfolk behind you. It gives you time to collect your
thoughts and wonder what the word 'nonplussed' means. Boy oh boy, you
can't wait to show that smart assed monocle-wearing Mayor the space
ship. That'll shut his clam snatcher up but good! Of course if the
Aliens use a heat ray and burn you all to a crisp like at the beginning
of the good version of "War of the Worlds" that doesn't have Tom
fucking Cruise in it, your feelings of triumph will be short lived and
extra crispy. Tom Cruise really sucks ass, though. You hope he hasn't
hurt Katy. You wonder if you took your ADD medication this morning. You
think you probably didn't. But you've got larger, more embarrassing fish
to fry.
As you crest the hill dramatically overlooking the field in which you
saw the Mothership land, you can't help but notice it's… GONE! You
hardly have time to hope against hope that it's 'gone' in the way that
the cloaked Bird of Prey in "Star Trek IV: Spock gets a whale chubby"
when it strikes you that while the terrifying eight bit graphic type
Mothership is gone, where it had once been there is now… A GINORMOUS
CROP CIRCLE!!
"This is bad,"
you quip, tersely, "Real Bad."
"Why?" asks the Mayor, "Because despite this crop circle, you
look the fool because you said there was a ship here and instead we find
this easily hoaxed grass pattern?"
"No." you respond forcefully. "Because this is like something
out of the M. Knight Shamalamadingdong movie with Mel Gibson. And M
Knight Alabamakingkong movies all got one thing in common, which is the
twist ending. And I've never seen that one with Mel Gibson in it, and
if you go try and look up a synopsis of an M. Knight Saladmastaringtone
movie on the internet, they never ever tell you what happens at the end
because revealing the twist ending of an M Knight Gassybastardshinbone
is AGAINST THE LAW!!!"
It's suddenly so quiet you can hear the crickets packing their bags just
prior to getting the fuck out of dodge.
