Thinking quickly, you
pop a cap in the Star Trek Abe Lincoln. Never mind where you got
a gun or how you got it through airport security, there's no time for
persnickety details, you're saving the world single handedly from an
Alien invasion!
Or you would be if the Abe Lincoln you just shot had actually been a
robot, like he said he was. But obviously this "Abe" wasn't being
"honest", because instead of a hail of bloody grey matter busting out
the exit wound, his entire bodyshifts and twitches and grows!
"HERMAN MUNSTER!!!"
You scream above the horrid, Stretching rubber sounds coming from the
former Gene Rodenberry lovin'emancipator, and then everything goes quiet
and he just stares at you.
"Herman Munster? What are you a fucking moron?" the Glasses wearing
Lincoln inquires politely.
"Oh my God. Oh my sweet
Jesus, you're stupid," says the Monster Lincoln. "You totally,
TOTALLY screwed my moment."
"I'm sorry" you say, "You just... kind of look like Fred Gwynn...when he
played... Herman Munster and stuff."
"Okay, fine" Says the still animatronic without the glasses Lincoln,
"But what in the world does that movie have to do with Alien Invasions?
No, no, don't tax yourself. Let me answer for you. Nothing."
"I'm the monster from the original 1951 "The Thing", retard,"
says Monster Lincoln. "Cause, duh, that monster is an Alien?"
"Although the John Carpenter remake has far better special effects."
Says Glasses Lincoln
"Perhaps," says Monster Lincoln, "But I think it's exactly the superior
special effects that make the remake an inferior film. It relies on them
far too heavily"
"What are you talking about!?" the still robotic bespectacled Lincoln
shrieks , "The remake monster is AWESOME!"
"Look, computers and puppets are a sorry replacement for James Arnez.
His monster had pathos."
"Excuse Me," You ask, "But is this going to be a wrong answer?"
"What?" says the monster. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry, just let me finish up here
and then I'll kill you." Which, after about a half hour of fairly dorky
cinemaphile debate, he does. Painfully.
