This is ridiculous!
You've got three mechanical Abe Lincolns all telling you to shoot the
other ones. This is the kind of crazy shit that L. Ron Hubbard would
have written an entire novel about, and he's the crazy fuck who came up
with Scientology! Well, you don't need that kind of crazy served up warm
and piping hot on your plate of life, no sir, you do not! So you decide
that you're going to shoot all the crazy bastards and have done with it.
Of course, right about then you realize that you don't actually have a
gun. In fact, you don't even own one. In fact, you weren't even allowed
to have a BB gun, and you used to get all pissy if someone even shot you
in a water gun fight, so guns probably just aren't your thing. Boy,
don't you feel stupid getting all ready to shoot them. Come to think of
it, they should feel stupid for assuming you had the gun to shoot
them with! Who the hell do they think you are? John Wilkes Booth?
"How in the hell am I
supposed to shoot any of you when I don't even have a gun?"
"I see," says Lincoln in glasses, resting his hand upon his chin. "This
is indeed quite a conundrum," chimes in Star Trek Lincoln. "Of course,
there's only one solution," says non-glasses Lincoln. "You're going to
have to take all of with you! Ho ho! Adventure awaits!" he cries, taking
off his stovepipe hat and placing it against his chest while turning his
head and staring off into the distance with great interest.
Take all three Lincolns with you on your mission to stop the alien
invasion? What is he, kidding?? Like you really want to hang out with
these guys. Still, there's a certain kind of logic in what he says.
After all, you don't have time to goof around with games like "which
fake Lincoln is the REAL fake Lincoln?".
But where are you even GOING? You've reached a bit of a dead end and you
don't even know where to go. You ponder it for a bit, and eventually
decide to head up to Washington, DC. There've got to be SOME answers
there. Perhaps even the Lincoln Memorial could help you figure out which
Lincoln is the one you should be listening to. But you can't possibly
take public transportation with the three Lincolns, because that would
raise too many questions. One Lincoln could be your father (a Lincoln
impersonator). Two Lincolns could be your father and his twin brother,
your uncle (also a Lincoln impersonator). But three Lincolns you could
never explain.
Fortunately, when you leave Disney World (with no one giving you and the
Lincolns a second glance), you find a car in the parking lot with the
keys in the ignition, and how about that—-it's a Lincoln of all things.
Anyway, the four of you pile into the car, and in between games of "I,
Spy", the License Plate game, and "Whose Hand is That?", you try to pump
the Lincolns for information, to determine which is the real one.
Just then your efforts are rendered futile as one of the Lincolns
excitedly points out the window and yells "Fast food! This exit!"
"What? You guys are
robots! You can't possibly eat food!"
But the Lincolns won't take no for an answer. They demand soggy,
processed food product, and they demand it now! You look at the sign for
the exit, and, conveniently, there are exactly four food options listed!
