You've got an insectoid janitor closing in on one side, and a gash-headed man pressing in on the other. You've got to think fast, or it's curtains for you! Surely monsters such as these appreciate the great, greasy taste of Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits! you think to yourself, fumbling for the coupon. Just as they're both about to chomp down on your headparts, you present the coupon to them in a shaking hand.

"Arooooo?" they both say, tilting their heads quizically to examine the coupon. (Well, the insectoid janitor just makes a buzzing and clicking noise, but you're pretty sure it's the equivalent of "Arooooo?").

"Popeyes", you intone, waving the coupon before them as if it were some magical talisman. "Chicken. Biscuits. Heart attack in a bucket. Mmmmmmm! Tasty!" you say, patting your tummy in satisfaction. "Come on, let's go!"

After the third most awkward car ride of your entire life, you arrive at Popeye's with your two new..."friends" and sit down for a deliciously unhealthy fast food dinner. Sure, the conversation is a little uncomfortable at first, but after the ice is broken with a joke or two, you have a surprisingly good time, discussing the usual "getting to know you" chitchat when talking to someone you've only just met.

Apparently the two monstrosities are having a great time too, attentively listening to everything you have to say, smiling a lot and making plenty of eye contact. In fact, they seem to be enjoying themselves so much that they seem to expect a little more from you at the end of the night, if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge).

After not taking no for an answer, they see themselves up into your apartment, and yes, they do expect you to put out, and no, I'm not going to write about it, because I have standards, thank you very much. Suffice it to say that you won't be pursuing this adventure any further as you find yourself plenty busy after the birth of your "hatchlings".

I'VE HAD BAD BLIND DATES, BUT WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE? START OVER,
AND NEXT TIME TRY NOT TO ASK THE MONSTERS OUT TO DINNER!