Hours from now, as you climb the ashen sides of the Volcano Doomspar in the underground kingdom of the Centaurian Mole Dancers to parlay with the Bugczar King of the Grak'nnorrt Insectian Horde who possesses the magical elixir to regenerate your leg, you wonder how on earth you ever arrived at this spot. Why, it seems just a short time ago that you were in your Great Uncle Caleb's mansion, exploring secret passages, fighting hunchbacks and trying to plant evidence that would pin the little "flood" in the bathroom onto one of the other house guests.

But that may as well have been a lifetime ago, you think, as you ponder all the trials and tribulations you've faced since then to get you to this moment. There was Professor Wizard's Diabolical Ice Machine, the balloon raiders, the host of zombie Elvis impersonators, and sadly, the loss of Petey. Poor Petey. True, you'd only just met today, but it was particularly painful to see him go out like that. What was a miniature wolf doing hiding in that bag of sugar anyway?

There will be time to reflect on the details of your insane, exciting adventures later, you think, requiring all of your concentration for the difficult one-legged climb. Throughout it all though you've carried the lifesize bubble gum statue of Warwick Davis that you picked up back in the janitor's closet. After all, you never know when something like that might come in handy.

After a great struggle to the top, you finally climb over the lip of the volcano, to reach its peak at long last! Now, the Bugczar King should be somewhere south of here, you think, losing your footing as the lifesize bubble gum statue of Warwick Davis throws you off balance. (Did I mention it was lifesize? And heavy, it's also quite heavy.)

The last thing you think is "Out of the way, peck!" as you topple headfirst into the open pool of hot magma waiting for you below, the bubble gum representation of the guy from the Leprechaun films being the last thing you see before you catch fire, melt, and die (mostly in that order). Such a strange last thought, you think, but at least it wasn't "yub yub".

WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT STATUE WOULD BE USEFUL?
START OVER!