Features

The Underappreciated Art of Firecracker Labels
by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED


Because the first thing a lady who just had a manicure wants to do is light explosives.


Nothing suggests badass explosions quite like Unicorn brand firecrackers.


You know, in case you in the Navy and need a brand that can guarantee you'll
be blown to smithereens so you'll end up at the bottom of the ocean.


Oh no! He mistook that yellow label for tasty honey!


This bear, however, didn't care for the label and decided to eat the actual firecrackers instead!


I like how this one urges you to "retire quickly" after lighting the fuse as opposed to telling you to "get away".


A bird dropping a firecracker on you is only slightly more assholish than a bird taking a shit on you.


Distinguished gentlemen choose Cock brand firecrackers.


While it is certainly mad, I'm pretty sure that's not a man.


Anybody knows the history of the old hair band "Great White" understands just how wrong this really is.


These firecrackers will apparently target and destroy the sun. Neat, huh?


They'd have an even more astonished look on their faces if momma woodpecker had returned to feed them firecrackers.


Golden shower? Now that is one Fourth of July celebration I recommend avoiding.


Birds can be dicks to one another when there's firecrackers on the line.


Well ok, but only because you asked nicely, fella.


Somehow I think the guy with all the guns would defeat this here warrior.


That's gotta be the most unenthused looking owl ever.
ORLY?


Making the horse step on the firecrackers while shooting the gun
seems like he's just trying to give the poor thing a heart attack.


Don't worry, I'm sure it's an officially licensed Batman product.
In fact, I'd venture to guess it's from the old Adam West Batman show, what with the "BANG!" text 'n all...


Uranus is BIG and it shoots flaming balls. Is this a classy holiday or what?

Ok that's all the labels for now. Make sure you email pics of your cool label finds to me and I might add 'em to this gallery. And remember kids...

Well, at least don't play with 'em until you've saved the artwork from annihilation.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-

(Special thanks go out to jeffsfireworks.com , herbiesfireworks.com for donating some the images in this gallery!)

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If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

I-Mockery Pays A Visit To The Rose Bowl Flea Market!
I-Mockery Pays A Visit To The Rose Bowl Flea Market!

Reader Comments

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JoeyJoJoJr JoeyJoJoJr is offline
Basement Monkey
Jul 4th, 2009, 04:07 AM
These are great I'm glad this page got updated thanks RoG
PoGo PoGo is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 4th, 2009, 04:31 AM
That was a good read. I liked the Outta My Way package.
Made me think of The Punisher.
Oh, and what the hell is up with that Unicorn pack?
It looks like some weird dog-dragon hybrid.
That can't be good.
No sir.
Julio Julio is offline
Staff Sergeant
Jul 4th, 2009, 06:16 PM
What better name for a firecracker than Quick and Dead? That ought to tell you that you can bet your ass that you'll be blown to bits the very moment you light the fuse.
Danny 4 Eyes Danny 4 Eyes is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 5th, 2009, 03:39 PM
Cheers Rog for opening my eyes to a world where trademarks and liscensed characters mean diddly squat. A world where I can see King Kong flying over the Statue of Liberty, a world where cowboys make their horses dance on fireworks for shits and giggles. My eyes have been opened Rog, and I embrace it. Thank you.
CaTlaloc CaTlaloc is offline
Roid Rager
Jul 5th, 2009, 06:38 PM
"Golden shower? Now that is one Fourth of July celebration I recommend avoiding"- classic. I am still chuckling over than one.
Bavles Bavles is offline
Simpson's Trivia King
Jul 5th, 2009, 07:43 PM
I'm really amazed that someone like you Rog wouldn't point out how much the "out of my way" guy looks like Bruce Campbell
Mockery Mockery is offline
Pickled Patriarch
Jul 5th, 2009, 10:07 PM
Actually, I think PoGo is more on target in saying that he looks like The Punisher, what with that outfit 'n all.
Nick Nick is offline
Apprentice Pickle
Jul 6th, 2009, 02:06 AM
Man, I love these.
Dungeonbrownies Dungeonbrownies is offline
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:40 AM
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
Aries Aries is offline
skank pronger
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:21 PM
That one on the second page with the giant gorilla riding the Empire State Building rocket? Maybe that rocket is actually the building transformer from Big!!!
Dimnos Dimnos is offline
LOVES the IUD
Jul 6th, 2009, 03:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dungeonbrownies View Post
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
en⋅thuse  /ɛnˈθuz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [en-thooz] Show IPA verb, -thused, -thus⋅ing.

Use enthused in a Sentence

–verb (used without object) 1.to be or become enthusiastic; show enthusiasm: All the neighbors enthused over the new baby.
–verb (used with object) 2.to cause to become enthusiastic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/enthused

If dictionary.com isnt good enough for you here is the Merriam-Websters page on it.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enthused
executioneer executioneer is offline
Dexter Reilly
Jul 6th, 2009, 04:48 PM
edit: n/m didn't see dimnos' post FOR SOME REASON ;(
Tadao Tadao is offline
Bone Daddy
Jul 6th, 2009, 04:50 PM
You know what isn't a word?

isnt
PolarisSLBM PolarisSLBM is offline
Forum Virgin
Jul 7th, 2009, 12:14 AM
Holy crap, the Great White firecrackers had me laughing uncontrollably. That's so hilariously wrong.
Cruxader Cruxader is offline
Doctor Caliente
Jul 7th, 2009, 12:41 PM
The Golliwog and Dixie Boy firecrackers are an NAACP lawsuit in the making if I've ever seen one. Good thing those were manufactured in China.
Dungeonbrownies Dungeonbrownies is offline
Crazed Techno-Biologist
Jul 8th, 2009, 05:36 AM
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dungeonbrownies View Post
Yesh, moar =D but kinda one issue, i dont wanna be a dick about this... but enthused isnt a word. though if its in the pickledictionary, ill gladly add it to mine. anyways, yea i love these things! its weird though how so how much of it is unrelated to what it does. the only ones that actually look like the art are those lil snakes, the ones that whistle, and a few fountains shaped like the pictured image (ie, the Tanks and those lil volcanoes)
en⋅thuse  /ɛnˈθuz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [en-thooz] Show IPA verb, -thused, -thus⋅ing.

Use enthused in a Sentence

–verb (used without object) 1.to be or become enthusiastic; show enthusiasm: All the neighbors enthused over the new baby.
–verb (used with object) 2.to cause to become enthusiastic.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/enthused

If dictionary.com isnt good enough for you here is the Merriam-Websters page on it.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enthused
Lol, k ill accept its use, but I just remember being told to never use it in Elements of Style because it wasnt a "real word." Im guessing i should quit studying from outdated texts =P
Colonel Flagg Colonel Flagg is offline
after enough bourbon ...
Jul 10th, 2009, 01:37 PM
I'm totally enthused over this update, -Rog-!

(Golden Shower? That totally belongs on engrish.com!)
testtube testtube is offline
Member
Jul 26th, 2009, 07:17 AM
timebomb has a massive package
mister buch mister buch is offline
Forum Virgin
Aug 31st, 2009, 06:35 AM
That is one odd looking unicorn.
rabid-penguin rabid-penguin is offline
Forum Virgin
Sep 4th, 2009, 06:42 PM
Just saw that "golden shower" one in a sweetbay this july. I would have NEVER expected to find one, but you can find any worth-crap fireworks in those pre-selected kits.
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