by: -RoG- & Protoclown

The following "Pillow & Sheet Fort Wars" documentary is completely non-fictional. All of the footage is from actual events that took place in a small suburban townhouse on the 15th of February, 2003. Viewer discretion is advised.

footage clip #6A: A brief survey of the townhouse, before encampments were setup.

-RoG-'s War Journal - Entry #23:
There was an eerie mist throughout our townhouse that morning, or perhaps it was simply poor jpeg compression. With the smell of Bisquick pancakes and carnage in the air, the only soldier left in my squad, Military Messiah, sat nervously at his post. For he knew that today would be our final stand... we would either emerge victorious, or the enemy downstairs would conquer all that remained. I was quite confident however, for the enemy had to fight an uphill battle, whereas we could simply throw various debris at them as they tried to make their way up the staircase.

Another tactical advantage, this was OUR home. We knew it like the back of our heads, and we weren't about to give it up to the invaders from the South. They did have control over the bottom floor though, so it was time for us to setup a solid base, for I was positive that they were going to do the same. War is hell.

footage clip #13q: The South Invaders have setup their stronghold.

Protoclown's War Journal - Entry #178:
After what must have been at least thirty minutes of arduous labor, our fort is complete! My partner Jaeger actually moved most of the cushions around and attached our sheet canopy into place, but I'm confident my role as supervisor and shiftless layabout served some kind of useful purpose.

footage clip #23j: Sliding door technology established. Rations secured.

Here you can see the best technology our fort has to offer: the sliding door! Those barbaric heathens who live at the top of the stairs could only DREAM of having such niceties in their crappy fort of mere sheets and pillows. We have CUSHIONS! And even a wooden door guard, who doesn't really do anything, but if we painted an angry face on him, he might almost look menacing. We also have food, as you'll notice, which is kind of funny because it actually belongs to the guys in the fort upstairs. But it was part of the table, which we claimed in the name of the revolution! We even munched on some of the Combos while we were in there, and I almost didn't feel guilty about it.

footage clip #3P0: The T.V. takes its toll.

The television that we had also captured and made claim to was almost to our detriment. As we watched, it became harder for us to find the motivation to leave the comfort of our shelter and go attack the other team. It was only after misplacing the remote and having the channel stuck on the show "Andromeda" with Kevin Sorbo, that we started to feel malcontent over our situation.

footage clip #AAA: Jaeger goes stir-crazy.

Combine that with my incessant farting in an enclosed space, and my partner Jaeger was feeling angry and ready to go kill the upstairs-dwellers. We got our gear, charged our laser gauntlets, and moved out.

footage clip #805: Northern Base outer defense team and enemy detection gear.

-RoG-'s War Journal - Entry #53.5:
We've heard a lot of noise coming from downstairs, and I can only assume they have been experimenting with chemical warfare judging by the smell that has been wafting through the house. It's going to take a lot more than that to penetrate our fortress of steel... wool. I have already taken it upon myself to hire some mercenaries - 3 pink mini-ninja that will stand guard outside of our base and slow down the enemy. Hell, I think these three mini-ninja might be able to kill off the enemy completely.

If not, I have used my vast knowledge of surveillance and packing materials to alert us to any enemy intrusion: The Bubble-wrap Intruder Alert! Should the foolish enemy dare crawl inside our base, we will be alerted as soon as a single bubble pops. We will be ready goddamnit, we will be ready for them!

footage clip #R2D2: The Northern base is established.

After creating the initial outer defenses, we got to work on creating the most intimidating pillow & sheet fortress man has ever seen. The entire room was covered, sheets sometimes reaching as high as the ceiling! I'd love to see the enemy try to navigate their way through our pillowy labyrinth of pain. Our sheets have been secured with sturdy objects such as: An oversized candle, a hardback copy of Stephen King's "IT", and a bottle of vodka. I must admit, I do worry about Military Messiah taking one drink too many from the vodka bottle, thus making it not weigh enough to secure the sheets properly.

footage clip #923.1: Rations cooling unit and enemy distraction propaganda.

Fortunately, we had more than enough rations of our own, including a cooling unit filled with enough liquors to keep Messiah away from the vodka bottle sheet placeholder. Next on our list of advantages was some background information I had dug up on one of our enemies from the South: Protoclown. He had already been insulted in the past as we distributed photos of him in a compromising position with a certain Elf from Lord of the Rings. Our surveillance also showed us that he was a huge fan of the show "Farscape". He even wore a "Save Farscape" T-Shirt. Muahaha, an obvious weak spot! So, we printed out the photo of him in a compromising position with the elf and wrote "Farscape Sucks!" below it. Surely, this would distract Protoclown enough so that we could capture, and if necessary, kill him immediately. They might have been using chemical warfare with their noxious ass gasses, but we had something far superior... psywarfare!

footage clip #878: Communications center and cubby-hole assassin in position.

They also probably thought that having a T.V. would be a great advantage, but we had a computer! Sure, it was a Pentium 1 that crashed when you tried to open Notepad... but it was a hell of a lot more than they had! If I could simply convince Military Messiah to remove all of the porn from his hard drive, we could free up enough space to save some more information about the enemy. Or, we could at least simulate some possible battle scenarios by playing a few games of Warcraft.

The best part of our base would have to be the hidden cubby-hole! A small crawlspace just behind the door to our encampment, I was able to fit in there perfectly. Once the enemy entered the base and was distracted by the "Farscape Sucks!" sign, I would jump out from behind and subdue him. The plan was flawless! It had to work!

footage clip #911: The Southern Invaders make their way up the staircase.

Protoclown's War Journal - Entry #192:
Jaeger and I made our way stealthily up the covered staircase to launch a sneak attack on the base of our enemies. And let me tell you, it's not a good idea to stick a sword in your mouth, even a plastic sword, because you don't know where it's been. Especially when it's been in -RoG- & Military Messiah's house for a while.

footage clip #53: Protoclown is ambushed by 3 Pink Mini-Ninja.
(either that, or Jaeger is inserting something into his ass)

We reached the top of the stairs after a difficult climb, only to be surprised by ninja guardians at the threshold of their base! This is definitely something we hadn't planned for, but there was no turning back now!

footage clip #2000: Protoclown and Jaeger defeat the 3 Pink Mini-Ninja.

They put up a hell of a fight, but in the end they proved to be no match for me and ol' Jaeger. We could only hope that no more mini-plastic figures awaited us inside the enemy base.

footage clip #-69: Protoclown accidentally alerts the Northern team to his presence.

After sweating through the fight with those ninja goons, I suppose my guard was let down a bit, because I stumbled right into their bubble-wrap detection system, alerting them immediately to our presence.

footage clip #583: Protoclown gets distracted by the sign and -RoG- pops out from the cubby-hole with bloodlust in his eyes... er, goggles.

Then I was distracted by some sign they put up to taunt their enemies, and next thing I knew, the trap was sprung. I was prisoner to a most bastardly duo. Fortunately, Jaeger was able to use his combat training and wilderness survival skills to escape.

footage clip #666: -RoG- snarls as he holds Protoclown hostage.

-RoG-'s War Journal - Entry #B103.7:
I can already smell victory, or perhaps that's just the stench of our captive, Protoclown. He fell for the distraction propaganda cubby-hole trap just as I had planned. But, much to my chagrin, his accomplice managed to make his way back down the stairs without being captured. Military Messiah decided to go chase after Jaeger while I guarded Protoclown. This was fine by me, because I had quite a few new torture techniques that I had been dying to try out on him. You should have seen him whimper as I performed an A Cappella version of the Weather Girls' hit single "It's Raining Men". Soon I would have his spirit completely broken and he'd unveil all the secrets of the Southern base to me!

footage clip #345: Military Messiah falls victim to Jaeger's "Laser Gauntlets".

Military Messiah bravely descended the staircase with his light-up sword, when out of nowhere Jaeger emerged with a brutal blast from his patented laser gauntlets! My friend had been rendered unconscious by the evil Jaeger (or his own alcohol abuse, I'm still not sure which).

footage clip #678: Jaeger drags Military Messiah into his base and puts a sack over his head to keep him confused about his whereabouts when he awakes.

I peaked out of my base and saw Messiah's body being dragged away. That bastard Jaeger had taken Messiah hostage too! Each team had one hostage! Something had to be done, so I yelled down to Jaeger and told him we had to talk on neutral ground.

footage clip #912: Domo-Kun angrily waits at the bottom of the staircase.

We agreed to meet at the bottom of the stairs, though I must admit I was a bit nervous since a giant Domo-Kun that I had previously encountered resided there. Domo assured me that he was only there to referee our discussion to ensure that there was no foul-play. He also gnawed on our shoes for a while and grumbled quite a bit, but we were able to overlook such a minor annoyance. 

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