This
year those hardcore soda geniuses at Jones Soda have put out 4 limited
edition Halloween sodas. Fortunately for us, I-Mockery recently hired
J-Dawg and Skeeter - also known around the globe as the Extreme
Beverage Testers. When a drink is just too intense for our
civilian taste buds to tackle, we'll be calling in the EBT's to get
the job done and report back to us. So we now turn over the Halloween
Jones Soda taste test over to J-Dawg and Skeeter - EXTREME BEVERAGE
TESTERS!
SKEETER: "OK YOU GNARLY
GRINDERS, IT'S TIME TO SKYDIVE WITH THE E TO THE B TO THE T INTO JONES
2005 HALLOWEEN SODA! YOU READY, J-DAWG?"
J-DAWG: "I'M READY TO CHUG THESE
BAD BOYS DOWN AND SCREAM FOR MORE UNTIL A JONES DELIVERY TRUCK CRASHES
THROUGH MY MOMMA'S HOUSE JUST TO BRING ME A FEW CANS! LET'S GET IT ONNNNNNNNN!"
TASTE TEST #1 - CANDY CORN FLAVOR!
SKEETER: "DUDE! MY MOUTH WAS
JUST ASSAULTED BY THE CORNS OF CANDY! IT'S LIKE BUDDHA CAME DOWN
FROM HIS HEAVENLY SNACK SHOP WITH A HANDFUL OF CANDY AND SAID "YO
SKEETER, CHECK THIS!" AND THEN MELTED 'EM WITH HIS RAD AURA AND
LET THE LIQUID GOODNESS POUR INTO MY THROAT! I FEEL LIKE I JUST
DRANK HALLOWEEN AND I MUST SAY HALLOWEEN TASTES PRETTY DAMNED
INTENSE!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS BAD BOY 8
AND A HALF AXEL GRINDS OUT OF 10!"
J-DAWG:
"I GOTTA SAY AT FIRST I WASN'T TOO SURE ABOUT THIS FLAVOR. IT
TASTED KIND OF LIKE THE CORNS ON MY FEET, BUT THEN WHEN I WAS
THINKIN' ABOUT IT I REALIZED THAT THE CORNS ON MY FEET TASTE
PRETTY ÜBER-FANTASTIC! THE WAY THOSE BODACIOUS SODA SUDS
SLAMDANCED ON MY TONGUE
MADE ME FEEL LIKE A HORNY REBEL BIKER SUICIDE PIRATE AND THAT
REALLY TAKES ME BACK TO THE GLORY DAYS!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS HOT TAMALE
8.5 BUNGEE JUMPS OVER A PIT OF LAVA OUT OF 11!"
TASTE TEST #2 - STRAWBERRY SLIME FLAVOR!
SKEETER: "WHOAH-HO-HO! NOW
THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BLAST OF TROPICAL FRUIT MADNESS! IT'S SLIME
TIME BABY! I CAN ONLY COMPARE THE TASTE TO THRASHING ON THE HIGH
SEAS OF IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME! I'VE GOT A FEELING THESE
CARBONATED STRAWBERRIES WERE HARVESTED FROM THE FIELDS OF HELL AND
THEY'LL SOON COME BACK TO HAUNT ME LIKE A KILLER WAVE JUST ABOUT
TO BREAK UPON THE SHORES OF UTOPIA!"
CONCLUSION: "AS MUCH AS I DIG
STICKING MY STRAW INTO BERRIES, I CAN'T SAY THESE ONES LIGHT MY
FIRE! 4 OUT OF 9 HAIKUS RECITED ON THE BEACH!"
J-DAWG:
"I GOTTA SAY WHEN I'M BARRELLIN' DOWN THE MOUNTAIN AT 250
KNOTTS PER HOUR ON MY FLAMIN' SNOWBOARD THAT I WON IN A POKER GAME
FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, THIS IS THE DRINK THAT I'D PASS UP ALL
THOSE FLYIN' CANS O' MOUNTAIN DEW FOR!
THIS IS THE DRINK THAT'LL PUT HAIR ON YOUR ASS AND MAKE YOU A HIT
WITH THE LADIES, BOY! I GOTTA TELL YA, IT JUST DOESN'T LIGHT UP MY
PALETTE ANY BETTER THAN THIS! "
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS ONE 9 OUT OF
7 TATTOOED BABE SUICIDE GIRL PHOTO SHOOTS!"
TASTE TEST #3 - SCARY BERRY LEMONADE FLAVOR!
SKEETER: "THIS ONE KNOCKED MY
FOOT PEGS OFF INTO OBLIVION! IT MAY HAVE AN EXTREMELY SWEET KICK
TO IT, BUT LISTEN TO ME BRO! DON'T FEAR THE REAPER! IF HE'S COMING
FOR YOU, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO BUT SCALE THE MOUNTAINS OF
LIFE AND WHEN YOU REACH THE PEAK, FLIP HIM THE BIRD! YOU THINK YOU
CAN'T HAVE A LEMONADE AND A SODA IN THE SAME DRINK? THINK AGAIN
BRO! IT'LL KNOCK YOU OFF THAT MOUNTAIN AND HAVE YOU CLIMBING BACK
UP FOR MORE!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS DRINK DON'T MESS
AROUND! I GIVE IT 200 AVALANCHES OUT OF NONE!"
J-DAWG:
"I GOTTA TELL YA, I WAS NOT ENTHUSED ABOUT THIS DRINK AS SOON
AS I SAW THE WORD 'LEMONADE' ON THE COVER! BUT DRINKING TASTY SODA
BEVERAGES IS ALL ABOUT THE TECHNIQUE, AND AS YOU CAN SEE, I TRIED
TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT BY DRINKING IT AT GNARLY ANGLES, BUT THIS
DRINK WAS A REAL KILL ON MY BUZZ, DUDE!"
CONCLUSION: "LEMONADE IS AND ALWAYS
WAS A GIRLY GIRL DRINK FOR GIRLY GIRLS. I GIVE IT 18 BARBIE DREAM
HOUSES OUT OF 3, WHICH IS ABOUT AS UN-EXTREME AS IT GETS!"
TASTE TEST #4 - CARAMEL APPLE FLAVOR!
SKEETER: "THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT
MESSIN' AROUND THIS TIME! THIS CAN WAS LOADED WITH SUCH BRUTAL
CARAMEL APPLE FLAVOR I THOUGHT IT WAS PICKED STRAIGHT FROM A
CARAMEL APPLE TREE! WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING THIS WICKED DRINK INTO
MY SYSTEM, I FOUND MYSELF COMPELLED TO LEAVE IT UP TO FATE! SURE
ENOUGH, THAT LIQUID SAID, "YO SKEETER DUDE! WE'RE ALL ABOUT
GETTING IN YOUR MOUTH AND SHOWING YOU THE WAY!" SO WHAT
COULD I DO BUT OPEN WIDE AND ENJOY THE RIDE!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS IS MY NEW LUCKY
DRINK OF CHOICE SO I GIVE IT A WHOPPING 13 OUT OF 13 FREAKY WILD
WIPEOUTS ON THE BANANABOAT OF AWESOMENESS!"
J-DAWG:
"I
GOTTA SAY, THIS RAMBUNCTIOUS LITTLE NUMBER TRIED TO GET A LITTLE
ROWDY WITH MY BUDS--TASTE BUDS, THAT IS! BUT I SHOWED THE DRINKY
BITCH WHO WAS BOSS AND PUMMELED THAT CARAMEL GOODNESS INTO
SUBMISSION, AND IT LIKED IT BY THE TIME THE BEATIN' WAS THROUGH!
ANY DRINK YOU GOTTA WRASSLE WITH WHILE IT'S GOIN' DOWN IS ALRIGHT
IN MY BOOK!"
CONCLUSION: "I GIVE THIS FEISTY
LITTLE SODA A GAGGLE OF BOBSLEDDING ONE-LEGGED GORILLA SUICIDE
BOMBERS!"
MEGA-EXTREME TASTE TEST - ALL FLAVORS COMBINED!
SKEETER:
"ALRIGHT J-DAWG, WE'VE
BEEN PAMPERED WITH THESE SINGLE DRINKS ALL DAY LONG. WHAT SAY YOU AND
I THROW-DOWN WITH ALL OF THESE DRINKS AT ONCE FOR THE ULTIMATE
CONCOCTION OF SODA FURY!"
J-DAWG: "ALRIGHT SKEETER, I
GOTTA TELL YA THAT IF I WERE ANY LESS OF A MANLY MAN'S MAN, I'D HAVE
SOME SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT WHAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN HERE TODAY! BUT LET
ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BRUTHA, WE ARE GONNA DROPKICK THIS MIX OF
CARBONATED MADNESS INTO OUR BELLIES WITH NO PROBLEMO!"
SKEETER:
"MIXING THESE DRINKS
TOGETHER WAS POTENTIALLY MORE HAZARDOUS THAN MIXING ALL THOSE VOLATILE
CHEMICALS WE USED TO MIX TOGETHER IN CHEMISTRY CLASS! WHOAH, REMEMBER
THOSE DAYS, J-DAWG?"
J-DAWG: "HOO BOY, DO I! I
REMEMBER WE BLEW UP THE CHEM LAB WITH OUR MIX OF BAKING SODA AND
APPLESAUCE! THIS MIXED DRINK IS EXTRA DANGEROUS BECAUSE IT'S ORANGE,
AND ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF EVIL!"
SKEETER:
"RIGHT ON! AND BEFORE WE
GO, I GOTTA REMIND ALL YOU CIVILIANS OUT THERE, DON'T TRY THIS AT
HOME! WE ARE PROFESSIONALS!"
J-DAWG: "EXTREME
PROFESSIONALS!"
SKEETER: "MY MIND? BLOWN! IT'S
SPLATTERED ON THE PAVEMENT AND THEN SOMEONE CAME ALONG AND TOOK A
JACKHAMMER TO THAT SAME PAVEMENT AND SPLATTERED IT ALL OVER THE
PLACE TOO! THIS IS ONE BADASS DRINK FROM THE MOST HEINOUS OF
PLACES THAT THE HUMAN MIND MAY OR NOT BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND! IT
WILL SET YOUR FLESH ON FIRE AND JETTISON YOUR SOUL INTO THE
FURTHEST REACHES OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM! AND WHEN IT GOES FLYING BY
JUPITER, JUPITER WILL GIVE IT A NOD AND SAY 'HANG LOOSE LITTLE
BUDDY!' AND INSIDE YOU'LL KNOW YOU LIVED LIFE LIKE A MAN!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS DRINK IS BEYOND
RATINGS! IT TRANSCENDS RATINGS, SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"
J-DAWG:
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'I'M NOT DEAD'! I GOTTA TELL YA,
THIS IS KIND OF A RIP-OFF! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY 'SUICIDE
PUNCH' CUZ I WAS GONNA GO OUT WITH A BANG! I TELL YA, I'VE SEEN
AND DONE IT ALL. THIS SODA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY LAST HURRAH TO
CAP OFF AN EXTREME LIFE OF EXTREMITY! BUT ALAS, IT LOOKS LIKE I
SHALL LIVE TO CLIMB MORE ERUPTING VOLCANOES AND DO MORE NAKED
TSUNAMI HANG-GLIDING!"
CONCLUSION: "THIS DRINK WAS A BIT OF
A WUSS BECAUSE IT DIDN'T MANAGE TO FINISH ME OFF, BUT IT SURE PUT
FORTH ONE HELL OF AN EFFORT! I GIVE IT TWO THUMBS UP--ON HANDS
THAT ARE HOLDIN' GRENADES!"
EXTREME CONCLUSION!
SKEETER:
"IN THE END, I GOTTA GO
WITH THE MINDWARP THAT IS THE JONES SODA CARAMEL APPLE FLAVOR! IT'S
BOLD TASTE AND 'NEVER-SAY-DIE' FLAVOR ATTITUDE HAD ME BEGGING FOR
MERCY IN THE BEST OF WAYS!"
J-DAWG: "I GOTTA TELL YA, THE
STRAWBERRY SLIME FLAVOR WOULD HAVE HAD A LESSER MAN BENT OVER IT'S
KNEE FOR THE ULTIMATE SPANKING, BUT I MANAGED TO HOLD MY OWN AGAINST
IT'S MIGHTY THROAT-SLAMMIN' POWER! THE CARAMEL APPLE CAME CLOSE, BUT
MY FINAL VOTE'S GOTTA GO WITH THE SLIME THAT ONLY STRAWBERRIES CAN
PROVIDE!"
SKEETER:
"ALRIGHT DUDES AND
SHE-DUDES, THAT WRAPS UP THIS CHUGGIN' 'N BUGGIN' EDITION OF EXTREME
BEVERAGE TESTERS! CATCH YA ON THE FLIP SIDE!"
