 by FatSatan
The demise of Fat Black Man
Fat Black Man |
Surprise Suicide Shocks Cast
Irem Corp., Nintendo - This morning a memo containing a most shocking revelation was sent to various Nintendo officials in preparation of a large press conference scheduled that very afternoon. For several hours various rumors popped up among the employees, ranging from a hostile takeover to the making of a new Punch Out game. Then it finally came out - Kung Fu's Fat Black Man had committed suicide the night before.
Irem Corp. expresses its deepest regrets at the loss of its valued character, Fat Black Man. In an act of mourning, Fat Black Man's employer, Mr. X, has decided to schedule one day of not performing evil deeds (i.e. kidnapping Sofia, girlfriend of Kung Fu hero Thomas).
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Kung Fu. One of the greatest NES games ever created, while also one of the least complex. You played the part of Thomas, a Kung Fu fighter who was in love with Sofia. For unclear reasons the evil "Mr X." had decided to kidnap Sofia and tie her up on the top level of his five-floored oriental building. Next, he positioned four bosses, traps and critters, and a legion of baddies on the five levels to kill you. Kind of a jerk, huh? What did Thomas ever do to Mr. X? Well, Nintendo refused to answer this question, but a source at Irem Corp. claims it has something to do with Mr. X's mother, a cucumber, and fourteen shots of tequila...
Dreading the black man
The Floor #3 Boss |
Over the course of the game, you would fight your way up to the top level so you could free Sofia, close her in your arms, and then play the game all over again. Not the most rewarding of endings, but you were probably at the age where kissing girls seemed gay, and wanted to get passed the mushy stuff before your friends started suspecting anything.
Er, anyway, at the end of each floor a boss awaited, either for you to thrash him, or to thrash you and
laugh in that loveable digitized Nintendo sound they used for most of their games. On the first floor you faced a guy with a stick or pipe, on the second there was a ninja-esque figure who tossed boomerangs at you, and while at the fourth floor you could happily kick off the midget wizard's head, you were probably wetting your pants when you neared the end of the third floor. Because this is where you would face the fat, black man of the game.
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Fat Black Man, boss of the third floor, lashed out at you with menacing punches, and with his fierce kicks he'd quickly have you dropping off the ledge. The only way to successfully pummel him into submission was by repeatedly socking his groin. At one point Fat Black Man would have enough of the abuse and toss himself off the ledge before you could do anymore damage to his reproductive organs, and you'd get past. (I know you think you defeated him, but make no mistake - no one can defeat Fat Black Man. No one.)
Rest In Peace, Fatso
Fat Black Man suffered of long-term manic depression, brought on by his being fat and bald, and old. To top that, Thomas' dealing repetitive punishment to the Fat Black Man's genitalia had left him impotent and sterile. In the knowledge that he would never reproduce, Fat Black Man's marriage ended in a painful divorce. This was when he started using synthetic drugs.
Though Fat Black Man was being eaten up inside by his shortcomings, he managed to hide his depression from his colleagues in Kung Fu. Even his best friend, Midget Wizard Guy, never suspected a thing up until the moment the Fat Black Man chose to end it all. Moments before Thomas would come along to dish out his 6,743,003,737th crotch-pummeling, the Floor 3 boss put a gun to his (bald) head and pulled the trigger on his life.
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Fat Black Man, found by co-workers
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Chewing the Fat
Of course Fat Black Man's death left no one untouched, in particular his co-workers at Mr. X's building. They would like to
publicly express their feelings and memories about the Fat Black Man here.
Boomerang Ninja Dude
Function: Floor #2 Boss.
Fear level: Annoying.
"Fat Black Man, or Black Fat Man, as I called him, was one of the few friends I had in this place. He was the only one that would get my Star Trek jokes. His death has shown me that this business is far too dangerous. I'll be moving into an apartment in Boca this summer, along with my
soul mate Alfonse."
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Skippy Midget
Function: Floor #2 and up minion.
Fear level: Laughable.
"Me and my friends are glad he's bit the dust! That jerk used to toss us around out of boredom when Thomas was stuck on the lower levels. And no, we will not answer to allegations that we provided Fat Black Man with a firearm. It's always the midget that gets blamed, is it? Screw you!"
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Bearhugging Henchmen
Function: All around cannon fodder.
Fear level: Oh, please.
"All of us are very shocked at Fat Black Man's suicide, especially the guys on floor #3. Currently, we're all chipping in for a big wreath that says 'Adios, 8-ball.' The third floor will never be the same again... particularly since Thomas can just walk through now. Some of us are hoping to be picked as Fat Black Man's successor... but you didn't hear it from me."
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Mister X
Function: Ultimate Boss.
Fear level: Fearsome like a doorstop.
"As Fat Black Man's employer I should have been first to realize he had problems. I blame Nintendo players, though. If they wouldn't keep defeating me and my minions with the same tricks, Fat Black Man would be perfectly fine. Did you know that a barrage of hunched kicks can kill me without me ever touching you? Oh, you didn't? Hm... this won't be in the article, will it?"
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Sofia
Function: Damsel in distress.
"I've told you a hundred times already - I don't know Fat Black Man, and I don't care about Fat Black Man! Could you just untie me? I've got some serious rope burn here!"
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Thomas
Function: Hero.
"I've been seeing a therapist to deal with my feelings of guilt due to Fat Black Man's reasons for suicide... I find it very hard to cope with this all. And no one shows any compassion towards me. Not Mr. X, not Sofia... God, I just want to cry. H-hold me. Please, don't run away. Please, I need love too! I NEED LOVE TOO!"
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Midget Wizard Guy
Function: Floor #4 Boss.
Fear level: Cute.
"I was accused of political incorrectness when Fat Black Man first came to the building. Really, does 'Big Chubby Jigaboo' sound all that offensive? Hey, don't hassle me man. I know magic and can survive decapitation."
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Staffbeating Bloke
Function: Floor #1 Boss.
Fear level: Sleep-inducing.
"I prefer not to fraternize with the guys upstairs. They're so snooty and stuck up, I don't like them much. Fat Black Man? Who? Wasn't he in Double Dragon 2?"
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For old time's sake
Hit the button to work a number on Fat Black Man's crotch
one more time, and hit it a second time to allow him respite.
We salute you, Fat Black Man
Kung Fu will never be the same again without you, heck, it'll be a helluva lot easier. Thanks for biting the bullet, dude. Your spirit and memory will live on, until another memorable fat black character pops up. Hm... I wonder if Mr. Sandman is free for tomorrow.
[Click
here to download the Kung-Fu NES rom]
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