Remember when wrestling was actually interesting? You know, way back
in the day when it was more of a weekly superhero action drama as opposed
to the lowbrow T&A crap that it's become nowadays? Yeah so do I. Back in
the day we had so many wrestlers with awesome themes... Rowdy Roddy Piper,
Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Iron Shiek, Brutus The Barber Beefcake, Papa Shango,
The Bushwackers, Andre The Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Jake The Snake
Roberts, Sgt. Slaughter, Honky Tonk Man, George The Animal Steele and the
list goes on and on and on.
One wrestler, however, was
more well known than any other, and that wrestler is of course Hulk Hogan.
Hulkamania was running wild for a longtime, and with it, he became the
most famous wrestling superstar ever. Hulk Hogan was everywhere... toys,
cereal boxes, music albums, videos, books, fan clubs... this all naturally led to the Hulkster
wanting to get into the movie business too. We all loved watching him perform
as "Thunderlips" in Rocky III, manhandling Balboa for most of the
wrestling exhibition match. After this, it was clear that Hogan deserved a
chance to star in a movie of his own.
So, No Holds Barred
was created and it gave the Hulkster a chance to display his wide acting
range... as a wrestler... again. So let's take a look at this impeccable
film which should not only exist on DVD, but should also be issued at
birth to every human being on this planet. I present to you, No Holds
Barred.
Attention filmmakers: THIS is how you start off a
movie! The silhouette of a psychotic man flailing his head back 'n forth
while frothing mucus and spittle flies outwards in all directions as thousands
of adoring fans cheer for more. You couldn't improve on this concept if
you tried. Ok, if you filled up the extra blue space in the background
with dancing gorillas in front of a fiery backdrop, that might kick it up
a notch... but honesty, we moviegoers couldn't ask for that. We've already
reached sensory overload here.
Meet Rip Thomas. Why is he named Rip? Because he likes to rip
his shirt off and rip his opponents apart in the ring! Sounds just like
Hulk Hogan, right? Well, the Ripster also has one other thing that sets
him apart from the Hulkster: his "RIP 'EM!" catchphrase! Not
only is the catchphrase "RIP 'EM!" but it is also accompanied by
sign language! He raises his hands up and make the "I love you"
hand gesture which I guess, to him, means "RIP 'EM!" for some
reason. He also makes a Ric Flair-ish "Woo" face whenever he does it,
without actually making the patented "Woooooooo!" sound. Even Rip's
little brother, Randy, makes the hand gesture to show his support. The
fans eat it up too as they hold their "RIP 'EM!" foam hands high in the
air, though you'd think that the foams hands would have the same "I
love you" hand gesture instead of the "#1" gesture. Then again,
I have a feeling that highly customized foam hands would've gone far
beyond this movie's budget.
So Jesse "The Body" Ventura
and Mean Gene Okerlund are in classic form, commentating on the match
that's going down between some guy named "Jake Bullet" and the current
champion, Rip. As far as I can tell, the only skills that Jake bullet has
are "having really bad hair" and "wearing too much mascara",
but I guess that's what it takes to get a title shot and some people just
aren't willing to go that extra mile. Jake does get Rip in a sleeper hold,
but it takes more than that to stop Rip. In the end, Rip makes short work
of mascara-boy by smashing him with a double-axe-hammer and then
celebrates his victory with a double "RIP 'EM!" hand gesture high
above his head as the audience cheers him on.
Naturally this movie needs
some bad guys and the first one is the CEO of the World Television
Network, Brell (played by Kurt Fuller). He's tired of his network
being in last place because of Rip's wrestling matches on the other
station being so popular. So, he wants Rip to sign a contract with them
instead. The best thing about this guy is that he's ALWAYS angry...
abusing his subordinates, breaking stuff and my favorite thing of all, he
constantly refers to Rip as a "JOCK ASS!" You simply can't go wrong
with lines such as, "I want that JOCK ASS on my network!"
and "Now I find that every time this JOCK ASS decides to strip
down to his sweet nothings and wallow around with some sweat hog, we eat
it!" and "Are you trying to tell me my money's not good enough for
you!? I find that a little hard to swallow you JOCK ASS!" Of
course, that last line causes Rip to stuff the blank check that Brell was
offering him right down his throat, "I won't be around when this
check clears!" Maybe now he can swallow it a little easier. And
before he exits the office, Rip leaves them hanging with his patented "RIP
'EM!" hand gesture:
RIP 'EM, BROTHER! WOO!
But Brell isn't ready to let
Rip get away so easily and has his limo driver take him to a secluded
garage. Once Rip notices that the limo driver isn't taking him home, he
starts kicking the doors as hard as he can in an attempt to escape. You
even see dent marks appearing on the outside of the door. What's hilarious
about this scene is how Rip's kicks to the side door appear to effect the
limo driver's ability to steer the car. With every massive kick that Rip
delivers, the limo swerves all over the street, up on the sidewalk, into
garbage cans, other cars and more. The driver can barely control the car
due to the FORCE behind each of those big kicks! THAT is how powerful Rip
is. If it happens in the movies, it's real. Believe it.
When the limo finally makes
it to the garage, barely in one piece thanks to Rip's power, a gang of
thugs are waiting there to give him a beatdown. Oh but they clearly don't
know who they're messing with. Rip explodes through the steel ceiling of
the limo in a dramatic Incredible Hulk-ish TV moment complete with angry
growls!
Rip then takes on all of the
thugs, one at a time, pummeling the crap out of them and eventually
stuffing each of their beaten bodies into the limo whether it's through a
window or into the sunroof. He then goes to the only guy who's left, the
limo driver, and picks him up by his neck while grunting and snarling in
his face. It appears that something is wrong with the driver's pants as he
squirms around in Rip's grip. What follows is one of the most fantastic dialogue sequences ever put
to film along with living proof via facial expressions that Hulk Hogan
would make a fucking awesome pirate.
ARR! ARRRAAF! RAAARR!
*SNIFF* *SNIFF* WHAT'S THAT SMELL!?
DOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEE!
DOOKIE!?
And there you have it.
Absolute perfection. A wrestling superstar destroys a limo, some thugs and
then makes the driver literally shit his pants. Many would argue
that the movie should've ended right here and fans would've been
completely satisfied. While this is true, there's so
much more to No Holds Barred. Oh so much splendor that you've yet to see,
so let us continue on this journey in which we seek more knowledge from he
who possesses the 24 inch pythons. (oh and don't worry, you'll have
a chance to watch the "dookie" scene in all of its glory at the end of
this article!)
Later on, Rip is now back at
the office meeting up with his new account executive, Samantha. Naturally,
she's a "hawt babe" with piercing blue-green eyes that make Rip's heart
pitter patter with glee like a little school girl. Anyway, she's trying to
find new ways to market the 'Rip' character, but Rip says his main outside
interests are his charity work. Funny, I don't remember Hulk Hogan ever
having a problem with merchandising his name. Or did I just imagine the
whole Pastamania
thing? No, I don't believe I did.
Anyway, Rip and Sam go out
to dinner at a high class restaurant later that night to "talk business",
but there's a snooty waiter to thinks Rip is just a typical bonehead tough
guy (or "JOCK ASS!" if you will). He makes all kinds of snide
remarks and teases Rip about how he'd probably want a hamburger instead of
some fancy foods and Sam can't help but chuckle a bit under her breath.
Then, the cook comes out to greet Rip because, it turns out, Rip is a
regular customer of the restaurant and speaks French. In your face mister
snooty waiter! Wee wee, madame!
Elsewhere, Brell realizes
that if he can't get Rip to come work for him, he needs to find some other
way to bring his network to the top of the ratings. So Brell goes to one
of the shittiest scumbag hangouts that he and his two suck-up pals (Unger
and Ordway) are able to find... The No Count Bar. Aside from booze,
this bar features a wrestling ring in the center so any random joe can
come in and pick a fight. It also features their own in-house tattoo guy,
and I'm sure all of his equipment has been sterilized. There are also
sorts of crazed characters roaming about in the establishment, but this
guy takes the cake:
This dude is the physical
embodiment of everything that ever was, everything that is, and everything
that ever will be a drunken redneck. "Git him, boy! Yeah!" The
waitress informs them that this guy is her brother (eloquently named
"Bubba") and if they don't have cash to pay for their beers, he'll rip
their nipples off. Not only does Brell pay for the beers, but he offers
Bubba extra cash to go fight in the ring. Bubba fights, Bubba wins, and
Bubba empties an entire keg of beer onto his own face in celebration.
While Brell is loving every
minute of the reckless violence, Unger and Ordway decide they need to get
away from it all so they go to the bathroom. Bad choice.
It's pretty much the worst
bathroom you could imagine. Filth everywhere, overflowing toilets and even
an angry dog chained up to the wall for no apparent reason. Plus the
entrance sign reads "V.D. Room" - yeah, it's a classy joint. Oh and the
urinals? They're not your typical one-man urinals. They're more like long
troughs overflowing with piss and bile. The kind of place that guys like
Bubba call home.
Unger and Ordway start
talking shit about all of the lowlifes in the bar, not realizing that
Bubba is in one of the stalls behind them hearing every word they say. He
comes bursting out of there with rage and...
Takes a look at their
peckers. Yes, you read that right. He takes a look at their peckers,
laughs and then proclaims, "Whadda we got here? A teeny weenie! And
here's another! You ain't even worth it! Hahahahahahaha! Aaahhhhhhhahahaa!"
He then walks away while laughing and groping his crotch with vigor. Gotta
love that Bubba! He's a real red-blooded American, that one!
