Oh what, oh what are insecure parents to do when they find out their son wants to play with their daughter's Easy-Bake Oven? After all, what kind of manly man would want to cook? Cooking is for girls right? Pffft. Well anyway, for those parents that can't get over their own stupid phobias about their son liking "girly things", the geniuses at Hasbro have come up with a perfect solution - THE QUEASY BAKE COOKERATOR OVEN!

Yep, they've taken all of the "girly" pink stuff out of the Easy-Bake Oven and replaced it with "boyish" things such as brains and a spooky light-up face. There you go dad, now you don't have to worry anymore about your son turning out to be gay. Instead, all you have to do is worry about your son becoming a...

...completely insane badger-boy mutant.

So I was fortunate enough to find one of these bad-boys (the Queasy Bake, not the kid) in a close-out sale, and the temptation to make things like "Mud 'n Crud Cake" and "Dip 'n Drool Dog Bone" was far too great for me to resist.

I mean really, how could you NOT buy something awesome as that? Just look at the face of the kid on the box for crissakes. He's so goddamned happy with his bowl of worms, I want to be that kid. And the only way I can be like him is to have a Queasy Bake of my own. So I bought it and ran home, excited as hell to try it out so that I, too, could be happy as the kid on the box. Then I realized I had to buy a 100-watt light bulb since the Queasy-Bake Cookerator Oven didn't come with one, so it was back out to the store again... damnit.

Upon opening the box, the first thing we noticed was all of the goodies this thing came with. A variety of cake and candy mixes, cooking utensils, bowls, bug/worm mold, a pan pusher, and warmer cover that was shaped like a brain. This brain could easily be used to make one of those brain-shaped Jell-O molds too, so this thing is already turning out to be quite a deal. And if Jell-O isn't your thing, you can always accessorize!

BRAIN FASHION!

Naturally, when Protoclown discovered that I had brains in addition to my super good looks, he just couldn't control himself any longer...

He used the queasy pan pusher to... well... push my pan. Don't worry folks, unlike the employees at fast food establishments such as McDonald's, we made sure to wash off the cookware after having it shoved up our asses. Well, most of the cookware at least.

Anyway, now that we had thoroughly examined (and defiled) all of the accessories that this thing came with, it was time to bust out the Queasy Bake Cookerator Oven itself. You could already see the spooky face behind the slimy window, and we were all excited to see it light-up. Unfortunately, putting in a light-bulb required you to unscrew the back of the oven, which meant going on a half-hour hunt through the house to find where we misplaced the damned screwdriver.

The one cool thing about removing the backing from the Queasy Bake is that you get to see what goes on inside there. And truthfully, it's pretty much nothing but a light bulb behind some plastic and metal. Oh well, at least you get to see the evil metal face.

But holy shit, nothing, and I mean nothing compares to how badass this thing looks when you finally do turn on the light bulb inside it. Even if this thing makes the absolute nastiest food on the planet, you've still got yourself one hell of a good Halloween decoration for future use. I might even start using it as a night-light to help me go to sleep from now on. Nothing like the warm glow of evil to send you off to dreamland...

Starting out, we were in agreement that the "Dip 'n Drool Dog Bone" sounded like the most interesting thing to make, so we prepared the ingredients. After carefully following the directions, the mixture that was supposed to turn into the dough which would then be formed into bone shapes wasn't very doughy at all. The instructions suggested forming the dough into a ball with your hands, so I picked up a glob and went to work.

Ok, that was just wrong. It looked wrong, it felt wrong, it smelled wrong, it was wrong. I even took off my hat 'n goggles to make sure we followed the directions properly. No matter how much I sloshed that mixture around in my hands, it wasn't becoming anything remotely like dough. It was just a nasty snot-like goo and we pretty much gave up on making it into a dogbone shape.

While I was washing that nasty ooze off my hands, Protoclown was already preparing the ingredients for our other attempt at cooking with the Queasy Bake Oven - "Mud 'n Crud" cake. With a name like that and the fact that a light bulb was going to cook it, how could it not be absolutely delicious?

After adding water, this stuff was already looking like snot too, but in this case it was a good thing. The funny thing about the cake mix is they provide you with such a small amount, you wouldn't even be able make a friggin' cupcake with the stuff. Then again, they probably only give you that much because they know there's no way in hell anyone could stomach more.

I offered Proto the chance to lick the spoon, but he turned it down. I guess he was tired from licking the pan pusher clean earlier on. Well, I have this belief that no matter how nasty something might turn out to be, someone always has to lick the spoon. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one left willing to do it. If the raw cake mix was any indication of how the cake would turn out, none of us were in for a treat.

While I was doing everything in my power to rid my mouth of the taste of raw pseudo cake mix, Proto excitedly loaded the mixture into the Queasy Bake Cookerator Oven. While most people would have walked away during the 10 minutes it takes for the light bulb to "cook" (and I use the term loosely) the mix, he just sat there in wonder as if the Queasy Bake had taken control of him. Considering the look in his eyes upon removing the finished cake, I'm guessing it did.

Now it was time to serve the cake to all the kiddies who had been anxiously waiting all night for a taste of the finest queasy cuisine money can buy. And just look at how much cake they each received! Why, you could feed a whole army with that much cake! :o So how would they judge this wonderful light bulb cooked treat? See for yourself:

Well I dunno about you people, but it sure looks like it was a hit to me. But what about the bugs and worms? Wait, isn't a worm a bug of some sort? Hrm, I guess not. Maybe that's why I never became an entomologist after all... or a cook.

The worm and bugs mix appears to be nothing more than the same stuff they use to make Jell-O. Just add water and it quickly becomes a nice bright red ooze which you then pour into the worms and bugs mold.

After that, simply heat it up underneath the brain on top of the Queasy Bake Cookerator and then throw it into the freezer for 10 minutes. After that, you're supposed to have yourself some tasty worms and bugs to eat.

Well, it did form the shape of the worms and bugs, but they were all stuck together in one big glob. I still had to freeze them for an extra 5 minutes cuz they were dripping all over the place. So much for following the instructions.

The worms and bugs tasted decent I guess, but it's not really something I would want to eat on top of a chocolate cake like you're supposed to do. Interesting side note though: I went to get the remaining worms & bug mix that I hadn't yet poured into the mold yet, and it was no longer a liquid. Without even being frozen, it became a solid round Jell-O disc. A tasty disc too. So I guess the "heat-then-freeze" thing isn't even really necessary for this stuff? Go figure.

MMMMMM! TASTY!

So there you have it, the remaining piece of cake topped with some delicious worms and bugs. Considering I couldn't talk anyone else into eating it, and I already had my fill of these nasty foods for the night, I did the only logical thing one could do.

I fed it to the cat. I hadn't fed Panthor since... well... since I first got him, so it was safe to assume that he'd scarf down this stuff pretty quickly. Well, I was wrong.

Bad kitty.

the end.

-RoG-

If you're big into "gross" toys like this one, be sure to check out
the Thingmaker or the Mad Scientist Monster Lab!

Copyright © 1999-2007 I-Mockery.com : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.