There were a million robotic warrior toys back in the 80's, and while
series such as the Transformers and the Go-Bots took the spotlight,
there were many other excellent ones that went practically unnoticed.
One of those toy lines were the Robo Force by Ideal — easily my
favorite of the lot, they were big, clunky, and had suction cups
instead of feet. Years ago I started up a
Robo Force fan site simply
because nobody on the web had even written a thing about them at the
time. I wanted to provide a simple site with information about what
they were... or at the very least, let people knew they existed.
Unfortunately, with the huge popularity of the Transformers and some
other toy lines, the Robo Force stood no chance and they were canned
far too early.
It was hard enough dealing with the fact that my favorite robots would
no longer be made, but the worst thing was seeing some of the items
that Ideal had planned to release. I was pretty excited about some of them,
but sadly they never made it to the toy store shelves. So here's a
rare glimpse at the Robo Force toys that could have been, but never
were. Damn you Megatron! DAMN YOU!
First
off we have some of the evil robots. Hun-Dred was pretty much the big
bad guy of the bunch, but I always preferred Cruel. He just looked
mean, he had huge hands... and let's face it. If you're gonna be an
evil purple robot, you're gonna have to make up for it by being pretty
damned tough. Enemy and Vulgar rounded out the bunch. But there were
three new robots featured in this catalog ad that had lots of evil
potential...
PLUNDOR - THE
PULVERIZER!
Now
here's a unique robot if I've ever seen one. Sure we've all seen the
robots that have lasers in their eyes or in their mouths, but not
Plundor! No siree! Plundor is the world's first robot with
CHEEK-LASERS! I guess that allows him to laugh while he shoots and
robs you. And how do you explain that one to the cops? "Yeah officer,
this friggin' robot shot me with his cheeks and then robbed me." Trust
me, if Plundor robs your ass, it's best to just let it go because
nobody is gonna believe you were overpowered by robotic cheeks.
NOBODY. Just be glad they weren't robotic ass cheeks... though I'm
sure "Assdor" was somewhere in Ideal's plans for future robots.
FANGAR - THE
CONSPIRATOR!
Damn,
now this guy would've been one of the first ones I purchased had he
ever made it to the stores. Forget chutes and ladders, the Robo Force
were onto something much better: Snakes and Robots! Fangar
looked like one hell of a menacing robotic cobra and definitely stood
out from the rest of the pack. Sure, he doesn't actually have any
fangs even though he's called "Fangar", but he does have some snakes
coming out of his mouth. Maybe he was eating his offspring or
preparing to spit them out at his enemies. Whatever the case may be, I
wouldn't fuck with the guy. Then again, I'm not sure how snakes could
hurt other robots, unless they were robotic snakes with robotic venom.
But that, that would just be madness since everything else in
the world of Robo Force is so realistic.
ARSENAL
- THE DEVASTATOR!
Good
god, does this little robot have enough crap on him or what? Arsenal
lives up to his name without a doubt, but with all of that heavy
weaponry, I imagine he'd be pretty slow. Plus, aside from that
intimidating black head, he's bright yellow and orange... so it's not
like you wouldn't see the guy coming away. I guess that's why he needs
all the weapons. My guess is that the rest of the evil robots would
just throw Arsenal at the Robo Force and let him explode. Sure, he'd
be vaporized by all of his weaponry in an instant, but chances are
he'd take out some of the other robots, along with a few blocks too.
The Robo
Force were lead by the mighty Maxx Steele, who is the one robot from
the series that people seem to remember... most likely because there
was actually a huge life-sized robot, a phone, and an Erector set modeled
after him. His other good guy robo-buddies included Coptor, Sentinel,
Wrecker, Blazer, and S.O.T.A. — but I always called him "Soda" when I
was a kid. I recall that I even poured some soda into his suction cup once
and drank it. Actually, no, no I didn't do that ever. Just pretend you
didn't read that, ok?
There
were also three new robots that would be coming to the aid of the Robo
Force — though in all fairness, the Robo Force already outnumbered the
bad guys by two extra robots from the start. So yeah, they kinda had
an unfair advantage at all times, and at most they should've only
gotten one extra robot. I thought good guys never cheat? Care to
explain that one to me, Maxx? I didn't think so.
TILTOR
- THE CHANGER!
Out of
all the new robot designs, this one cracked me up the most by far.
Ideal was apparently so proud of the fact that they had introduced
some new robots that had "flexible waists", they decided to name one
of them after this amazing feat. His name? TILTOR. No fancy
weapons, no snakes, and I don't even think he has cheeks. But hey, he
could tilt like a mofo. Maybe he was just some kind of horribly abused
sex-bot for the Robo Force to have their way with since they already
outnumbered the bad guys. Yep, they just bent Tiltor over a table any
time they pleased and lubed him up. Then again, he does appear to have
a red robo-phallus, so perhaps he was a giver and a taker. Either way,
it sounds like Tiltor was used for sex and then tossed aside. And that
my friends, is the sad, sad story of Tiltor.
OPTICON
- THE INTERCEPTOR!
Holy
shit! Those X10 camera people ripped off the Robo Force! Look on top
of Opticon's head... it looks like one of those web-cams to me. I'm starting
to see the big picture here. Apparently Ideal's plan for the Robo
Force was to have them destroy the small group of bad guys and then
break into the field of internet pornography. See, they had Tiltor,
the "porn star" of the group, and then they had Opticon, the
"director" of said porno flicks. And the audience? Children ages 4
years and up. Damn! My hat goes off to the people at Ideal for making
such a bold move!
RIPPER
- THE ANTI-ROBOT!
Oh come
on! That's just horse shit! There's no way a badass robot (er...
excuse me, "anti-robot") like that
could be one of the good guys. He's green and had those chompin' jaws
of death that just scream "I'm a bad guy." If you think for one minute
that Ripper wouldn't go insane and slaughter every member of the Robo
Force team in a fit of evil robotic rage, you're a fool. Just look at
him! One look at Blazer's ability to squirt water out of his
head/snout, and Ripper would tear him to shreds and then go laugh
about it with Hun-Dred and the rest of the crew. Look I'll make it
simply for you people. Ripper = bad guy. End of story.
MARK FURY and DEENA
STRONG!
Ok, now
why the hell would they want to introduce a bunch of inferior
fleshlings into the world of Robo Force? If they want to put them in
the comics or shows, fine... but realistically, no kid would want to
buy some extremely plain looking human figures when they could buy a
robot like Ripper. Even if they did have names like Mark Fury, Deena
Strong, or... Max Power, kids still wouldn't buy into them.
Ok, so
you remember my theory about them having the Robo Force geared towards
making pornos, right? Check out the description of Mark Fury:
"Mark
Fury, the young scientist and freedom fighter who designed and built
the mighty Robo Force robots, is a 5-inch, articulated and fully
decorated action figure with poseable arms, legs, knees and head. His
action accessories include the Anti-Grav Command Console (a figure
stand that allows Mark to fit into any Robo Force vehicle), Robo-Charger
"Energy Pak," Mega-Blaster Laser Rifle, "Energy Cable," boom
"microphone" and hand controller."
There
you have it. Now we've got a "sound guy" for the porno film. You've
now got a full cast and crew just aching to get to work. I rest my
case.
But
don't look over Deena Strong's description either:
"Deena
Strong, the fellow freedom fighter of Mark Fury is a 5-inch,
articulated and fully decorated action figure with poseable legs,
arms, knees and head. Her action accessories include the Anti-Grav
Command Console, Twin-Turbo Flight Pak with spinning propellors,
Power-Beam Defensive Shield, and Power Glove weapon."
What was
she doing with Nintendo's "Power Glove" long before they released it
to the public? Oh yeah, she was probably fisting poor ol' Tiltor with
it. Gives a whole new meaning to that "Now you're playing with
power" phrase, eh? Eugh...
While
all of these new Robo Force robots would've made for some interesting
battles, there was one big bad guy that was more impressive than any
of them:
Nazgar
the Tyrant. Just look at that magnificent spectacle of evil brainy
robotic doom. Sure, he does seem to be really into that Naziesque "sieg
heil" gesture, but I guess it just helps drive the point home that
Nazgar is one evil mofo. Not only was he battery operated and had a
bright glowing brain, but check this out:
He could
actually grow taller! A glowing brain and the ability to grow from a
stumpy little dude into a giant nazi-giant... most impressive by evil
leader standards. The Robo Force already outnumbered the bad guys,
plus they had the big "Fortress
of Steele" base (which believe it or not, I still have
one sealed in the box) and the ridiculously huge "Command
Patroller" vehicle, so it's good to see that the bad
guys were going to get something to help even things out a
bit... even if it was a tall, brainy robotic Nazi tyrant. Oh if only
he had made it to the shelves in stores, maybe then the Robo Force
would've been noticed by everyone a bit more.
So that
does it for all of the new characters that they were planning to
release, but there were still a few new assault vehicles. Funny thing
is, with the older vehicles such as the "Robocruiser"
and the "Dred
Crawler" weren't powered by gasoline or plutonium. No
no no... they were powered by a much more incredible technology that
mankind has yet to master: BALLOONS. Sure, they said that the
vehicles were powered by the "air bot" 'n all, but trust me... they
were friggin' balloons. As the air from the balloons was released, the
vehicles would move forward. Amazing! So would the latest vehicle
additions live up to the mighty power of balloons?
Ok, now
this thing looked like a joke to me. As a flying attack vehicle, sure,
it's fine 'n dandy, but the way they promoted it as a three-way
converter was b.s. It just sounds like they were trying to figure out
a way to compete with the Transformers, but I'm sorry — removing two
propellers and green tubes doesn't really count as "converting" a
flying ship into a "land glider". Pretty lame...
Can't
say this thing looks much better, but at least they're not trying to
bullshit what it really is. It's just a simple crank-powered cannon
for the robots to fit into. Not sure what their obsession with those
green tubes on these new vehicles was, but at least they've moved on
from the balloons. The only cool thing about the Transblaster was that
it could either work as a stationary standalone unit, or it could
attach onto the "Robocruiser" or "Dred Crawler" for some additional
firepower.
Sadly,
it didn't look like they were planning any kind of a base for the evil
robots. Where was their Snake Mountain, huh? Well, I suppose
it's understandable. I mean, you'd need to make a pretty friggin' huge
base to fit mister growing-legs Nazi Nazgar into it. I can just see
him having another growth spurt and bursting through the roof. So in
the end, I guess it's best that the evil robots remained homeless and
out in the open. All the repairs for their base would've been far too
costly.
Well, I
hope you guys have enjoyed this rare glimpse at what could've and
should've been some new additions to the Robo Force toy line. I'll
have some more Robo Force rarities to share with you in the not too
distant future, so keep your eyes peeled for 'em. You know, it's
really sad that these new toys never made it to the store shelves, but
even sadder is the fact that...
I've
been a member of the Robo Force Fan Club for over 20 goddamned years now and
they still haven't sent me another fan club pack! THIS CLUB
SUCKS!!!