While
stopping by a local 7-Eleven shop to satiate our Slurpee cravings, we
noticed something in the refrigerator that just didn't seem real.
Right there, sitting quietly like a lion waiting to pounce on a
helpless elk,
was an energy drink like no man had ever seen before. It was an energy
drink produced by Steven Seagal called
Lightning Bolt™!
"I
have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that
I know,"
says Seagal, who lived in Tibet and Japan in the 1960s and 1970s while
learning Buddhism and martial arts. "I have included in this drink
everything I could to strengthen the body." -Steven Seagal
Seagal's
menacing face was right there on the can, staring at us as if to say,
"How does it feel to know you're about to die?" And while the
allure of ingesting the raw liquid energy of an Aikido master is
almost too hard to resist, the simple fact is, no mere mortal could
possibly handle this concoction of rare herbs from Asia such as the
Tibetan Goji Berry without being killed. It is with this in mind
that we here at I-Mockery must once again ask our in-house Extreme
Beverage Testers to rise to the occasion. Keep in mind, the EBT's are professionals and claim to
have been testing beverages since the dawn of the Samurai. So we now turn over the
Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Energy Drink taste test
over to J-Dawg, Skeeter and Bodhi - EXTREME BEVERAGE TESTERS!
SKEETER: "We-he-hell!
What's up my most extreme compadres? Are you ready to surf on the
carbonated shores of Valhalla?"
J-DAWG: "Dude, I was born
to surf the carbonated shores on the back of a giant albino shark,
riding it into Valhalla like a pot-bellied stallion!"
BODHI:
"I just had my spine replaced with aluminum to improve
flexibility, so let's catch the wave and ride headfirst into the
sunset of perdition!"
J-DAWG: "Behold, my
bodacious brothers in extremosity, but it seems that we have been
bestowed a miraculous gift of Asian confectionary delights! Forsooth,
let us open its golden palisades and partake of the treasures within!"
SKEETER: "Dude, don't
crack that thing open, it's clearly a work of art! That'd be like
using the Mona Lisa as a parachute on one of our base-jumping
excursions!"
BODHI:
"Whoa, art reference! Mayday! And there's another problem
brosciples: Just one fortune for three righteous dudes? What gives!?"
SKEETER: "Just be careful,
I was watching one of those Hellraiser movies recently and I'm pretty
sure the puzzle box that killed everybody when they opened it was an
Asian confectionary delight as well. I'm pretty sure there was a
Gremlin in it too!"
J-DAWG: "Well, let's crack
this bad boy open already! Like our old mentor Facesmasher McGee
always used to say, 'No guts, no intestines and pancreas and all that
other messy stuff!'"
BODHI:
"Sweet retinal disfigurement! The light! The magnificent light!
Its power... its glory... forever and ever!"
SKEETER: "It's a damned
good thing we have on our patented extreme eyewear or we'd be kayaking
our way straight to The Eye Institute of American Eyes!"
J-DAWG: "Not only is this
light out of sight, my boisterous brethren, but it also
emanates forth a putrid stench of a most malodorous persuasion!"
SKEETER: "FATHER!"
BODHI:
"Jesus shaved!"
J-DAWG: "Casey Ryback?"
STEVEN SEAGAL: "It is I, Steven
Seagal, Chungdrag Dorje, Takeshigemichi Shihan... your eternal sensei.
Tell me my pupils, what does it take to change the essence of a man?"
SKEETER: "Cologne made
from the piping hot urine of a rabid jackal?"
J-DAWG: "Crushing your
enemy, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentation of
their women?"
BODHI:
"A long walk off a short pier?"
STEVEN SEAGAL: "No. Trust your
doubt. Always fight for your beliefs. That is the path beyond
thought."
STEVEN SEAGAL: "I have traveled
the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know."
J-DAWG: "Sensei, I always
go for the path without thought! Leave the thinkin' to those
egg-headed wimps! But truly, a beverage that floats is a righteous one
indeed!"
BODHI:
"I have given great thought to thinking about the path beyond
thought, and I think that thinking about the path beyond thought is
too much thinking for me to think about in my thoughts... Perhaps it
is the natural potency of the Tibetan Goji Berry indeed that can bring
peace to the tumultuous storms within my inner being."
SKEETER: "Many years have
I spent focusing my energies towards my internal methods. I can only
hope that I am now prepared for the most onerous guttural challenge of
my life."
STEVEN SEAGAL: "Hear this: When I
walk into a room, some people see a dog, some people see a cow. I am
all of what they see. It is their perception. But of you,
grasshoppers, I perceive imperfection... To walk this path, your
attire must not dishonor this drinking dojo!"
J-DAWG: "Observe this, my
fellow fellows! We've been mystically bedecked to the nines in the
most honorable raiment befitting a ninja warrior!"
SKEETER: "Kamikaze my
karate! We each now possess a glorious gi which will enable us to take
on the Lightning Bolt!"
STEVEN SEAGAL: "You are ready to
battle my Lightning Bolt flavors, but know this: The eastern winds
have prophesized that any man who dares to drink two flavors from
one cup is a fool. To fuse the Cherry Charge and the Asian
Experience would be like trying to merge the Yin and the Yang into
one. They must remain separate entities to preserve the equilibrium
of the natural universe. Joining the two would be a truly
catastrophic catastrophe. Would you invite disaster into your home? Now go my extremely
brave warriors... go and show the world that you too can harness the
power of the Tibetan Goji Berry."
BODHI:
"I dunno... this fabric doesn't breathe, brahman. I'm sweatin'
off my goji berries!"
STEVEN
SEAGAL: "BOW & DRINK WITH EXTREME HONOR!!"
TASTE TEST #1 - CHERRY CHARGE!
SKEETER: "How does it
feel to know you're about to die? I'm sure that's exactly what
an untrained citizen would think upon raising this caged heat to
their lips. I shall not let this bubbling broth besmirch my black
belt! I have focused my chi on the cherry charge and I shall
emerge victorious! Perhaps then I will be truly worthy to stand by
the side of Master Takeshigemichi Shihan! KIYAP!"
SKEETER'S CONCLUSION: "When you
take on a powerful potation, you know your stomach is in for some
mortal kombat like its never seen before. The Cherry Charge may
have had my iron innards marked for death, but I prevailed! I
believe myself to be a more seasoned veteran of the martial arts
having tamed the beast that is the Cherry Charge! I give this
concealed weapon of a beverage 1000 ninety-point throwing stars
embedded in
a samurai's battered body out of 4!"
J-DAWG:
"The
only thing you'll be charging this cantankerous Cherry concoction
with is first-degree murder... of your taste buds! This drink'll
chew you up and spit you out if you're not tough enough to handle
it! Indeed, your stomach will be under siege, and you may notice
more than a few exit wounds as this drink smashes its way through
the weak fleshy walls of your intestines!"
J-DAWG'S CONCLUSION: "I know
what you're thinking... after this drink has destroyed your taste
buds and all other semblance of normal bodily functions, you're
naturally out for justice against this liquid that wronged you...
but this troublesome drink isn't above the law... IT IS THE LAW!!
I give this mantastic drink 14 cockpunches by an angry Buddhist
out of 3!"
BODHI:
"Sound the trumpets and storm the walls, for in the name of
Shenlong the spiritual dragon... he who generates wind and rain for
the benefit of mankind, I'm about to POP this cherry!"
BODHI'S
CONCLUSION:
"Sweet, hellish nectar of the messianic master Dorje! This
explosive draft is clearly out for a kill, but that kill
is most definitely out of reach, and like J-Dawg said,
I'm naturally out for justice, but I'm also out of puns!
Therefore I bestow upon this throat-lashing liqueur 6.2
earsplittingly fractured forearms out of 10!"
TASTE TEST #2 - ASIAN EXPERIENCE!
SKEETER: "I recently
consumed some 'Asian Sensations' microwaveable chow with no
problem whatsoever. I was indeed master of the yum dynasty. With
Seagal's intimidating Asian Experience, however, it appears as
though a black dawn lays before me. Will I have the power
of one to become the best of the best? I may be putting myself
at maximum risk here, but that is simply the way of the warrior.
BONZAI!"
SKEETER'S CONCLUSION: "Uh oh,
I'm feeling some big trouble in little china! I'm clearly gonna
have to see my acupuncture specialist to restore my health and
well-being after downing this liquid Godzilla! My Zhong Fu is
pleading for mercy! And yet... I still want more! With each
gulp, I feel the surge of energy rushing through my body, way
down in my marrow, preserving itself to just the right moment
when it is time to STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY! No
longer shall I move like a pregnant yak, for now I shall move
fast as lightning! I give this grandmaster's grog 500 push-ups
on my knuckles out of 23.7!"
J-DAWG:
"I had an 'Asian Experience' in Bangkok that involved a
lot of itching and required a lotion, but something told me this
liquid thunder would be another kind of experience altogether! A
little voice from the can whispered "today you die" as this
beverage found itself submerged in my labyrinthianly
extreme digestive system, but in the end I proved hard to kill!"
J-DAWG'S CONCLUSION: "This was
one tough liquescent customer, and I didn't even need any topical
cream to make it go away! In fact, this is the foreigner
that's welcome to come back and visit my esophageal municipality
any time! I give this 100 movies on airplanes where the extreme
hero doesn't die in the first fifteen minutes out of 10!"
BODHI:
"Asian Experience, eh? What's that all about? Some sort of
liquid equivalent of working 14-hour days in the sweltering heat,
sitting on a concrete slab, sewing garments until your fingers
bleed, earning $50 a month (if you're lucky) from some schmucky
American corporation? We'll see about that!"
BODHI'S CONCLUSION:
"What the?!? I think my heart just stopped! I'm half past dead
but still breathing! This is incredible! Much like the flames of
the sacred incense I feel a fire down below! Of course,
all I can do is hope that said 'fire' isn't just a re-ruptured
colon... it wouldn't be the first time those stitches burst, but
there is no gain without the PAIN! Give it an
unapologetically hearty grade-A kick to the unprotected crotch!"
EXTREME CONCLUSION!
J-DAWG: "Check it,
brohiawathas, the combined power of imbibing these fine beverages
back to back is almost too much to handle! I need to keep my rage in
check, lest I activate some plate tectonical happenings with the
sheer force of my anger! I feel like I've entered some dark
territory here!"
BODHI:
"We've walked on deadly ground and survived unscathed, but
we have not yet gazed into the sun of the righteous truth! I,
too, can sense this boiling rage bursting forth from my inner...
inner.. inner Buddha!"
SKEETER:
"I dove headfirst
into the belly of the beast and emerged as the patriot
of the precious Goji Berry! Prepare to feel the sudden impact of my
stone cold fury!"
BODHI:
"I'll crawl up every orifice you got. When it's over you can go
to your favorite proctologist and get a nice, soothing ointment and
rub it on the hole that hurts most."
J-DAWG: "What kind of
babbling bullshit is this? Your fury is nothing compared to the
might of my tectonictastic frenzy! I've reached my boiling point,
with brohovah as my witness!"
SKEETER:
"I know you're a
scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and
I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up."
J-DAWG: "And just what is
it you think you need, Mr. Nice Guy?"
SKEETER:
"I need to mix the
Cherry Charge and the Asian Experience flavors together to create
the ultimate surge of energy in order to take my martial arts to the
next level!"
BODHI:
"Disaster's my middle name! Invite it into my home!? DISASTER
IS MY HOME!!!"
J-DAWG: "Wait a minute
guys, didn't Seagal's floating head say something about something?
Hey, wait a minute! I remember now! He said 'DON'T CROSS THE
STREAMS'!!"
SKEETER:
"TOO LATE!"
( shortly thereafter... )
STEVEN SEAGAL: "What does it take to
change the essence of a man? Apparently, it takes three complete
fuck-ups who don't heed my warnings."
BODHI:
"Yeeeaaahhh, baby! Now that's what I call riding the lightning!
'Flash before my eyes! Now it's time to die! Burning in my brain! I
can feel the flames!'"
SKEETER:
"I have reached the
pinnacle of existence! The peak of the mountain! The crest of the
wave! The tip of the iceberg! And I think it's gonna be a long, long
time 'til touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man
they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no... I'm a rocket man! Rocket
man burning out his fuse up here alone!"
J-DAWG: "Woah, check it,
dudes! We're all spiritual now! Let's go haunt the ladies' locker
room!"
STEVEN SEAGAL: "If your daddy knew
exactly how stupid you were, he'd trade you in for a pet monkey."
Questions or Comments about this article? email -RoG-
