Grandpa. He's as kind and
giving as the old guy in the Werther's Original candy commercial who loves
how shiny the wrappers are. And Grandma? Why, she's as harmless as a
kitten in a vat of marshmallow fluff. But what about the bad people in the
world? The criminals, the hoodlums, the thugs, the delinquents, the punks... the
people who wouldn't think twice about putting ol' grandma and grandpa in a
hurt locker. What are our elderly amigos to do when they come face to face
with those scumbags?
Well fret not my golden
geezers, for I've just uncovered a film from the 70's that will surely put
all your fears to rest! The name of the film? SENIOR POWER!
A little old lady is walking
down a city street all by herself in the middle of the night, and wouldn't
you know it, some guy tries to mug her. But granny isn't about to give up
her purse without a fight. In fact, she's going to use her SENIOR POWER
to turn that purse into a deadly weapon!
Actually, this isn't a real
mugging, this is just part of the "Senior Power" educational film that
they're making. Problem is, the old lady keeps attacking her mugging
co-actor instead of doing what she's supposed to do...
A law officer, Linden
Chiles, steps in and tells her what she did wrong. Apparently, when you're
old and about to be mugged, you must turn your purse upside-down and empty
its contents onto the ground, then sit on the ground to avoid being
knocked over by the mugger, and finally blow a whistle to scare the mugger
away. Blow the whistle on crime! Funny how they don't mention that
it's probably not a good idea for someone her age to be walking alone down
a dark city street in the middle of the night... but hey, what do I know?
I'm not a cop.
Anyway, they show her doing
what she should've done, and the contents of her purse spill out onto the
ground. A spoon, a bottle of white-out, a coat hanger, hair clips, a pair
of scissors and other various junk. You know something? If anything, this
film is a lesson for the would-be-muggers out there: Don't mug old lady's
unless you were hoping to score a big bag of useless crap.
Cut to the studio where the
offer, who I swear looks like Pete Rose, is leading the discussion about
Senior Power. According to him, there are techniques you can learn,
techniques such as the "upside-down purse" and "the whistle" which can
prevent you from becoming a statistic. Ms. Sims is an expert on
purse-snatchers, that is, she's had her purse stolen several times. So I
guess she's an expert on being robbed. A lot of women lose their purses
because they leave them unattended while shopping. Well, Ms. Sims recalls
when she decided to try something new with her purse...
As Ms. Sims goes to ask the
clerk for help reaching an item, she leaves her purse in her shopping cart
like she normally does. Purse-snatchers love this sort of thing, but ol'
Ms. Sims was ready this time! She didn't just leave her purse in her
shopping cart, she actually tied it to it! Now when the purse-snatcher
tries to grab her purse, he drags the whole cart with him. And what
happens next is sheer brilliance...
He freaks out so much when
he realizes the purse is tied to the shopping cart that he stumbles
backwards into a stack of soup cans, knocking himself unconscious. Yep,
all because she tied her purse to the cart. Make sure you jot that
technique down, senior citizens. I'm sure you'll get the same results
every time.
But what about burglars and
prowlers? Don't worry gramps, we've got ya covered too! Keep all your
doors and windows locked is common sense, but what about the criminals who
aren't thwarted by mere locks? Well this old guy has a technique of
his very own. He simply plays a tape recording of an angry dog barking
whenever somebody tries to break into his house and then calls the police.
Apparently the criminals who come to his house can't tell the difference
between a low-quality tape player and a real dog, but hey, whatever works
for you old timer.
Moving right along... "a
common problem for senior citizens is the obscene phone call." Tell me
about it. I can't tell you how many times my grandma has complained to me
about all the lewd calls she gets. Well, thanks to Senior Power, my
grandma won't have to be the victim any longer!
Cut to an elderly couple
enjoying a relaxing evening in their living room when all of a sudden the
phone rings. The old man answers the phone and before he can even say
hello, the voice on the other line says, "I wanna take off your
clothes!" And what does the man do? He turns to his wife and says, "It's
for you." I SHIT YOU NOT!
While her excited reaction
to the phone call is hilarious in its own right, nothing tops the facial
expressions of the pervert who's calling her...
Look at the intensity in
those eyes! Look how they just light up with excitement! Look at those big
bushy eyebrows fluttering with anticipation! "Ooooooo you have no
idea how old women exxxxxxxxxxcite me! Muahahahaha!" Oh yeah, this
caller likes himself some old lady action! CLASSIC!
While the perv on the phone
continues to ramble about how good he is in bed, the old lady puts some
ear plugs on and then blows her whistle directly into the receiver.
Perv-o freaks out with a
loud "Oooeeaargh!" and literally crashes through the front
door of the phone booth that he's calling him. Nice checkered leisure suit
by the way! Also, the pervert is played by Bruce Kerner, the guy who
directed this film. He clearly gave himself the best role and I can't say
I blame him one bit. (and yes, you'll have a chance to view this
hilarious scene in its entirety at the end of this article.)
"That's another good way
to blow the whistle on crime," says the officer and then he
goes on to remind us all to report obscene phone callers to the phone
company. I'm guessing that's what happened to the Jerky Boys. Well
either that or Caller ID.
Anyway, another problem for
senior citizens is when they go to the bank to cash their social security
checks. Criminals would wait for them to leave the bank and then they
would get robbed.
Stash it, don't flash
it! If only Mr. Boyle had followed this advice, this thug wouldn't
have seen him counting all his money as he walked out of the bank. If he
had taken that advice, he could've avoided the following situation
altogether.
(On a sidenote, when I first
saw this film, I could've sworn that thug in the bank was Peter Tork
from The Monkees. And if you keep that in mind while watching him
mug this old guy, it makes it all the more amusing.)
Upon exiting the bank, Mr.
Boyle is held-up at gunpoint by Peter Tork, er... some thug. He quickly
gives the guy his wallet, and then the thug and his partner make a quick
getaway... presumably to Clarksville. But Mr. Boyle was prepared, probably
because he'd been mugged in the past, and he gave them a phony wallet with
play money in it. "You can't trust anyone over 30!" the thug
says as his voice cracks. Mr. Boyle then calls the sheriff and reports the
license plate number of the getaway car.
Now this is the part where
the film goes off on a Dukes of Hazzard-ish tangent. Instead of cutting
back to the studio and talking about more Senior Power tips, they go on
this whole elaborate police car chase.
Eventually the car skids out
and one of the thugs is knocked unconscious. The other thug hops out of
the car and makes a run for it on foot. The chase continues into a
suburban area where the thug hops a fence and accidentally falls into a
swimming pool where the cops catch him. It's like a poor-man's episode of
TJ Hooker; no William Shatner, no Heather Locklear, and altogether
extremely anti-climactic.
Mr. Boyle talks about how if
he hadn't flashed his money, none of this would've happened in the first
place. They also tell him he shouldn't leave the bank alone, and Mr. Boyle
says, "believe me, I tried." A reference to how he's got a thing
for Ms. Sims, which makes her blush. Awwww. Mr. Boyle goes on to talk
about how he always carries two wallets, one real one fake, but how he was
prepared to give those criminals anything they wanted. Don't resist the
criminals. That's Senior Power!
The officer then goes on
with a recap of all the techniques we learned today, but as I watch him, I
can't help but think about how awesome his hair is. "You've all had
a lifetime of experience, and your brains CAN beat their brawn. When you
make the criminal's job more difficult, you help all of us blow the
whistle on crime!" Preach on brother, preach on!
As they leave the studio,
Mr. Boyle takes one last stab at getting Ms. Sims to go out with him and
she finally caves in. They walk off prepared to exercise their newfound
Senior Power on any criminal who dares get in their path.
Now you may feel safe with
all this new knowledge, and that's great, but just remember one thing...
He's out there somewhere...
and he's got your number.
