Now that I
finally have a video capture card just in time for the Halloween season
(thanks Chojin), I
now have the power to do some nice movie features. I'm not talking about high
quality films that James Lipton jerks off to on a daily basis. No sir,
I'm talking about those ultra-bad, low-budget horror flicks that hold a
special place in all of our hearts. I've been watching cheesy horror flicks for as
long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I remember going to the video
store and wishing I could rent the movies with all the scary looking
boxes. "Mom, can I rent that movie with the giant piranha eating the lady
on the box?" "NO!" Ah childhood. Well, I'm not sure what it is that I like about
these horror flicks, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the allure of
witnessing extremely bad actors die again and again. And what better way
to start things off than with an in-depth look at a movie all about slugs. KILLER SLUGS!
Ahh,
fishing. Nothing drives the babes wild like a man and his rod. Actually,
the blonde gal is quite bored and wants to go swimming, but stud-boy Wayne
just wants to fish. So, she does what any self-respecting gal would do
in a situation like this. She begins to strip. Calm down boys, you're not gonna be seeing any skin here, because just as she begins to undress...
KER-SPLOOOSH!
Oh my god!
Pretty boy Wayne just fell in the water! What ever could be happening??
Actually, if you watch closely, it's pretty obvious that he's throws
himself in the water rather than being dragged in by something lurking
beneath.
Acting at its finest folks. This does bring up an interesting
question though. Was Wayne really pulled into the water? Or, is he really
not interested in this girl and when she began stripping down, he decided
to bail ship? Could they be subliminally suggesting that Wayne wasn't a
heterosexual male? I'm sad to say that we'll probably never know the
answer for sure.
Soon Wayne's hand pops out of the water and moves around in a
not-very-frantic
manner for somebody who's supposed to be getting eaten alive or something.
If I was being eaten alive underwater and had my arm sticking out I would
at least make an effort that I was really in distress. Even blondie thinks
Wayne is joking around and trying to scare her. Oh but she is wrong...
DEAD WRONG! (was that cliché or what?)
NO! NOT THE SLURPEE DEATH!
I'm afraid
it's true folks... Wayne has been turned into a 7-Eleven Slurpee - cherry
flavor. If the bad acting wasn't enough to clue you in on the fact that
this is a low budget movie, seeing that they couldn't afford decent
looking blood for the opening sequence, and had to use cherry Slurpees instead, should be a sure sign
for ya.
THEY OOZE. THEY SLIME. THEY KILL.
From here, we
roll straight into the title in which a slug slime trail spells out the
word 'SLUGS'. Sure it's not the most creative title sequence we've ever
seen, but give 'em a break folks. Considering what this movie is about,
I'm just happy they were able to spell the title correctly. So, I guess we
are to assume that there are these super slugs that have the strength to
pull a guy out of a boat and into the water and then make him a slurpee. Makes perfect sense to me!
Next we are introduced to another classic horror movie cliché: the
helpless, bumbling drunkard who is destined to die immediately.
Oh sweet nectar of the gods how I love thee!
After
stumbling home with his dog, and taking a few more sips o' liquor, he
enters his house only to find an eviction notice and some leftover pizza.
Naturally, he's only interested in the leftover pizza like any good drunk
should be. But the pizza is actually too crappy even for his dulled taste
buds to handle. So, he chucks the box into his cellar and that's when we
get our first glimpse of the evil that is in this house.
SLUGS!!!!
Yes indeed
his house is just crawling with the things, but he's too plastered to
notice. For when he lies down on his couch...
After
flailing around on the couch for a bit, conveniently out of our
view, we miss out on the gory slugfest, and instead get a nice view of his
house while we listen to him scream. I'm already starting to feel really
cheated. On a good note, the next day when the sheriff comes to
investigate, he finds the remains of the ol' drunk. What's left? Well,
frankly it's a skeleton with a bad toupee and a lot of blood. But hey, I'm
not complaining. At least the blood effects are already improving. No
slurpee here! So just how evil are these slugs?
Evil enough to leave a dog alone in the world without his drunken, abusive
owner. THAT'S PRETTY GODDAMNED EVIL IF YOU ASK ME. >:(
Next we meet
Mike Brady, the local health inspector. He thinks that rats could be the
explanation for what ate the ol' drunk guy. I guess that's why he makes
the big bucks eh? Well, Mike gets a call from an old lady complaining that
the sewers are backed up. So he trucks on down there and meets up with his
buddy Don Palmer from the sanitation department to inspect the sewers.
Don takes
his sewer work quite seriously as you can tell by his suit. No he's not
handling plutonium or anything, he's just very wary of the methane gasses
and toxins in the sewer. Thanks for the safety tip Don, we'll remember
that one. So Don starts scraping around in the sewer pipes and begins to
remove all sorts of nasty gunk including strange looking fleshy parts
(which I'm pretty sure are just large pieces of fish from the local
grocer). Some hooligan stuffed the pipes with fish! It's that classic gag
that everybody loves! The stuff-the-fish-in-the-sewer-pipe-to-clog-it-up
gag! Surely this must be what's been clogging up the sewers! Oh how wrong
we were to think that. For when Don continues to poke around in the sewer
pipes, something almost yanks his arm right in there. And since most dead
fish really don't have the strength to move a full-grown man, Don knows something
is very wrong and decides to split.
Now, cut to
the high school where the kids are all just getting out of class. They
head straight to the local diner for some good wholesome fun. Rumors about
what happened to the old wino are already circulating like wildfire. One
girl speculates to her friends (two of which can't stop sucking face, a
sure sign that they'll die soon) that it was probably "The Goat Killer"
that was responsible for the old man's death. The goat killer apparently
"comes down from the hills at night, kills people, then eats them." What
that really has to do with goats is beyond me. I would think somebody
called "The Goat Killer" would come down from the hills and kill GOATS
rather than people. But whatever... we also learn there's a Halloween
party coming up this weekend. Gee, I wonder if anybody will die at it?
Now we're
brought to a greenhouse where Harold and his wife are tending to their
plants. Harold's wife is badgering him about all the nasty slugs and slug
eggs that are covering their plants and wants him to get rid of them
immediately. Harold tells that ho' to get off his back, but he knows that
she's the one in charge around here. So he goes to put on his gardening
gloves and get to work. WAIT HAROLD! There's a slug crawling into one of
your gloves! Don't put it on!!!
Too late,
Harold is already wearing the glove and the slug is chowing down on his
hand. Now, you would think that if a slug in a glove was eating
your hand you could just take the glove off and problem solved. Well,
you'd be wrong. Apparently slugs have the ability to hold the glove on
your hand while they eat it, making it impossible for you to remove the
glove. I'm no physics major, so what they hell... I'll buy it.
So, Harold
frantically grabs a pair of hedge clippers and starts cutting away at the
gloves and blood trickles down his arm. Harold screams in pain, but his
wife is inside cleaning and vacuuming the house while blasting the radio
(yet another horror movie cliché - the screaming victim that nobody nearby
can hear). Harold falls to the ground, and a bunch of plant chemicals
spill as well. Harold is in agonizing pain and just can't get the slug off
of his hand. So what's the next logical step?
Off with the hand!
Yep, Harold
grabs a nearby hatchet and hacks off his own hand. Good thinking Harold,
I'm sure you're in a lot less pain now. He continues to scream and the
spilled plant chemicals continue to fizzle and fill the room with smoke.
Fortunately, Harold finally screams loud enough for his wife to hear him.
I say
fortunately, because when she finally comes in to help him, the spilled
plant chemicals catch on fire. And, of course, there's a gas can nearby
and you know what that means. Say bye bye to Harold, his wife, and their
greenhouse. Oh well, if nothing else, I'm pretty sure the slug that was
eating Harold's hand is dead now.
So, Mike
Brady returns back home to his wife after a hard day at work only to
discover that Harold and his wife died in a greenhouse explosion. As if
this shocking news isn't enough, Mike notices the slug slime trails and
the slugs in his wife's garden. "Jesus Christ those things are big!" And
just like a curious little kid, he attempts to poke one of the slugs. And
what happens next is, in my opinion, one of the greatest moments in cheesy
horror movie history EVER:
CHOMP!
You saw it
here first folks. An angry slug biting a human oppressor! I swear, I must
have replayed this scene 20 times when I first saw it. I mean look at the
thing. It has teeth, and a tongue and everything! Now I know where the
budget for the entire movie went. It went into this little fella and I'll
be damned if it wasn't worth every penny!
Anyway, Mike
is obviously disturbed when the slug bites him. These obviously aren't
your garden-variety slugs we're talkin' about here folks. So, he scoops one up into a
jar and brings it to his wife's friend, John, who just happens to work in a
science lab. John then proceeds to give us a lesson about slugs and how
they leave a mucus trail behind them wherever they go. They actually use
it to move. You can even place a slug on a razor blade and it will crawl
across it without ever touching the metal. He also states that they
basically feed on vegetation, not meat. Horror AND Education all in one
movie. You can rent this movie for 2 bucks or you can spend thousands on
college. I'll leave it up to you to decide which choice is better.
Meanwhile,
the local rich folks are busy heating up the evening by being very naughty
with super-sexy lines like:
"We've been
eating too much red meat lately."
"Well I've
gotta keep up my strength."
"Before you
go any further, you had better decide whether you want your dessert before
or after the main course."
See what I
mean? There's nothing quite as sexy like when yuppies try to talk... well, sexy. But
she wasn't kidding when she said they were eating too much red meat
lately. She decided to fix her hubby a nice salad instead. Too bad the
lettuce had a big juicy slug inside it! There's a real nice close up of
the slug getting chopped up into sections inside the lettuce. And parents
wonder why kids don't wanna eat their veggies? This is why folks.
Soon after,
the husband complains about abdominal pains but he says it will pass. He's
an important guy after all. No sense in worrying about your health when
you've got a big shopping center deal to "clinch" the very next
day. Just chug down a few Rolaids, right? Somehow I have
a feeling we'll hear more from this guy again pretty soon...
Back at the
lab, John cuts up one of the giant slugs to examine the innards closely
under a microscope. But he leaves the jar containing another slug
open, and that slug starts oozing its way out and heads straight for
the cute little caged hamster!
Will the
John the scientist and his stupendous scalpel of death
stop the runaway slug before it gets to the cute little hamster?
