...CONTINUED

After the music video concludes, the search of their apartment continues and little Lumpy is extremely upset that they're going to search his room. They finally calm him down and get him to play with a video screen. Somehow they don't notice he's watching a cartoon about his father engaging in rebel activity, but that's the Empire for ya. Their troops were never made out to be bright... even when compared to a child Wookiee.

So the cartoon itself isn't very entertaining, but many consider it to be the most important part of the Star Wars Holiday Special because it's the first time people were introduced to the Boba Fett character. If you ask me, though, that's a sad way for a character to be born. Especially one as cool as Boba Fett. Well anyway, the story is pretty simple, he's trying to get in with the Rebels so they will lead him to their hideout. Then he can report back to Darth Vader and collect his fee. C3-PO and R2-D2 overhear him talking with Darth, however, and inform the others. So Boba Fett makes an escape, but promises that they'll meet again as he flies off into the sky.

There's a few things that bother me about the cartoon which I'd like to discuss...

R2-D2.
Last time I checked, he was a metal droid, not a fucking Jell-O Jiggler.

Luke Skywalker.
Before they even get him the medicine he needs in this cartoon,
Luke's eyes indicate that he's already on some kind of medication if you ask me.

The Millennium Falcon.
If memory serves correctly, the bottom of the Millennium Falcon is not pink.

Boba Fett.
It's already bad enough to introduce a cool character like his in this abysmal holiday special, but if they had to do it, couldn't they of had him riding something a little more
badass than a cute creature that swims in what looks like a sea of bubble gum?

Han Solo.
I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow they made Harrison Ford's face look
like worn-out moccasin that had been accidentally used in an elephant's colonoscopy.

After the cartoon ends, we cut back to Lumpy's room where the troops are tearing it apart in search of anything related to the Rebels. They even tear off the head of a big stuffed animal and then tell Lumpy to go to clean up his room. It's like they're making a point to pick on little Lumpy. As Lumpy cries out in woe upon discovering the severed head of his favorite stuffed animal, the Imperial Officer chuckles, "That will keep him busy for a while." Call me cruel, but I think this is hands-down one of the most entertaining moments of the entire holiday special.

After putting a blanket on the mangled stuffed animal, Lumpy sits on the floor and starts to assemble the mini-transmitter that Saundan brought him as a gift earlier on. It comes with a video in which an Amorphian citizen instructs him on how to assemble it. The problem is, the motor abilities of Amorphian citizens are frequently impaired by malfunctions which result in a temporarily loss of power. So basically, the instructor (again played by Harvey Korman) keeps jittering around and/or falling asleep during the video. It's basically a sight gags segment that runs on for too long. Still, little Lumpy is brighter than he looks and he manages to put the thing together without the help of the instructor.

Back downstairs, a broadcast is sent to the Imperial forces instructing them to watch this video so that they can feel better about themselves due to the lack of moral value that the characters in the video have. But trashing the room of a Wookiee kid is full of good wholesome values! The video takes place on Tatooine in the same Cantina we all remember from the movies. Han shot first.

Ackmena (played by Bea "Golden Girls" Arthur) is the lady that serves the drinks in the Cantina. Harvey Korman returns again for his third character in this show as Krelman, a patron who's in love with Ackmena. Her infamous caustic attitude stands out in what is an otherwise extremely dull and pointless skit. Of course, what would a holiday special be without Bea Arthur singing a song and dancing with none other than Greedo himself?

Well it's not much, but at least you can check off "Witness Bea Arthur and Greedo gettin' down to boogie" from your "things to see before you die" list.

Lumpy, being the tricky little Wookiee that he is, uses his mini-transmitter to send a fake message to the Imperial troops in their home. The message tells them to report back to base, but they leave one stormtrooper behind to question Chewbacca when he arrives about rebel activity. The stormtrooper then goes upstairs and discovers that it was Lumpy playing a trick on them and he chases him outside the treehouse where Chewbacca is just arriving. While the stormtrooper prepares to arrest Chewbacca, Han Solo sneaks up behind him and kicks the gun out of his hand.

Remember how I said they never make them out to be all that bright? Well here's a perfect example. The stormtrooper dives after his gun, trips on a log and falls through the guard rail all the way to his doom. And that's the big battle of the entire special, a quick fight between Han Solo and one measly stormtrooper.

Now that the threat is gone, they all exchange hugs because they can finally celebrate Life Day. In an overemotional moment, Han takes a deep breath and tells the Wookiees, "You're like family to me." Awwwwww! Then Chewie and Malla are reunited and they hug and cry and moan and hug. Awwwwww! Saundan even saves their asses one last time by telling the Imperial Officer a lie about how the stormtrooper, who really fell to his death, robbed him and then headed for the hills. Awwwwww!

After all the hugs and other pleasantries are done with, the Wookiee family each grabs a glowing ball and then are somehow teleported into space while wearing red robes. I'm not really sure just what in the hell is going on here, but it probably has to do with Life Day. Maybe the balls teleport them to a magical Life Day land? Maybe the balls actually release a hallucinogen that makes the Wookies THINK they've been teleported to a magical life day land? Who knows? And more importantly... who cares?

We then see tons of Wookiees walking into a light source. SO EXCITING!

All of a sudden, our favorite Star Wars characters are standing together in some mystical mountainous area with lots of smog. Princess Leia then addresses the crowd: "This holiday is yours, but we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom and to harmony and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. I hope that this day will always be a day of joy in which we can reconfirm our dedication and our courage, and more than anything else, our love for one another. This is the promise of the tree of life."

From there, she goes on to sing the Life Day song, which is nothing more than a slowed down version of the Star Wars theme song with bad vocals on top of it. Really bad vocals. One look at the faces of Han, Luke 'n Chewie and you know they're not really enjoying the song either. Then again, if you had to pretend to enjoy a tune performed by a coked-out actress (just one look at Carrie Fisher in this special will confirm this), you'd have the holiday blues too. Yes my friends, THIS is what life day is all about. After her song concludes, it cuts to various clips from the Star Wars movie. Once that's done, we're back at the Wookiee's home... probably because they didn't want to stick around for Princess Leia's encore performance.

The Wookiee's all join hands, say a Wookiee prayer and then prepare to eat that delicious Bantha Surprise which Malla worked so hard on. Hopefully it'll leave a better taste in their mouths than this godforsaken holiday special left in mine.

I don't care how many public claims he's made about wanting this holiday special wiped off the face of the planet, I still have a hunch that George Lucas watches it every night, masturbating furiously as he cackles like a madman. Oh you knew what you were doing Georgie boy... and just because you made sure your name didn't appear in the credits doesn't mean you're not still responsible for it. Come on George! It's time for you to let the world see that twisted stepson known as "The Star Wars Holiday Special" whom you've had locked in the attic all these years. After all, if you can show the world "The Phantom Menace" with no shame, I see no reason why you can't give this special the same treatment.

the end.

-RoG-

Haven't experienced enough Star Wars pain yet? No problem!
Click here to check out our review of the Star Wars Christmas Album!

For more info on the Star Wars Holiday Special check out:
starwarsholidayspecial.com

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